Single Black Women Wake Up!!!, by Stacey McClain – T.B.A.
I heard an alarming statistic the other day…42 percent of black women have never been married compared to 21 percent of white women. THEN I HEARD… black women are the least likely to get married.
After hearing this, I started counting my friends who have never been married…one, two, three, four -have been seriously looking. Five, six, seven — have given up on looking. Eight, nine, ten – decided they don’t even care anymore. Damn, what’s really going on? Are they too picky? Are they just not interested? Or are they just waiting for the brothas? A’ight ladies, a word to the wise— STOP WAITING!
Let me tell you, I’ve heard lots of excuses from black women like – “ain’t no good brothers out there, a lot of brothers are in jail, or on the D.L.,” or “I’m waiting for a man who has (insert specific like salary, height and credit history here)” , or “ brothers are dating white women,… younger women,… white women, Asian women…” (No, I’m not talking about MOTU). Most recently, I heard the excuse… I want to marry a black man to help further our race. Well, ladies I’m asking you to wake the hell up and get on the f@#king bandwagon!! IF THE BROTHAS CAN’T BE FOUND, or who are M.I.A., OR JUST AIN’T INTO YOU… LOOK ELSEWHERE!!!
What I know to be true, is… a lot of sistahs are loyal to a fault. A brotha could be in jail, have one leg, be abusive, blind, cripple or crazy and a sistah say… “Girl, he loves me, so I have to be there for him.” This idea of loyalty and the idea that you’re SUPPOSE to be with a black man no matter what, is crazy to me! Ladies, it’s a new millennium, time to move forward – our brothas have so what are you waiting for?!
SEVERAL of my male friends are dating younger women, older women, white women as well as other races of women and my sistah friends seem to be standing on the sidelines mad or waiting for the brothas to simply notice. After talking to people who are (or were) married to “brothas of a different hue,” they’ve said—“a relationship can be blissful or it could be hell no matter whom you’re with.” Could race mixing present a different set of problems if you’re with someone outside your race? Sure. But, ALL relationships are work!! Be alone or be brave!
Some black women will talk about how they can have they own job, take care of their own car, will pay their own bills and any other independent task to show how tough they are. This idea was groundbreaking in my mother’s day when women didn’t really work and they stayed at home with their husband for the sake of their kids, or when they got married because they were pregnant. And, even back then, I bet all that shit was hard to do! However, our social norms are changing, and values are shifting. So, where is the same independent thinking when it comes to dating? You can do whatever you want, but you won’t date whom ever you want? C’mon sistahs– IT’S OKAY! Date who you want to date!
Stop limiting yourselves! Go! Explore the world of men in — Asia, Korea, Europe, Italy, Peru, Guatemala, Mexico, and Australia! I’m hoping that after you read this, you will open up your hearts, and minds to any race of man who might be checking for you. How do you know you can’t be happy with an Asian guy, or a guy from Guatemala? You don’t know until you get your azz out there!
Stop worrying about shit you can’t control. And, the idea of trying to save our race is something that you truly can’t control! Seriously! You can’t control how the world will be several years from now. You can’t control whom black men choose to date. And, you have never been able to control other races of women looking to date black men! What you can control is your own damn happiness.
Think bout it… Black men who’ve dated outside of their race never worried about “continuing the race.” Black men who left their families behind didn’t worry about how black women were going to survive. Don’t be confused, I am NOT telling you to stop looking for that perfect “Obamaesque” brotha!! Hell yeah– keep looking for him, especially, if you can find him. All I’m saying is, the idea of “only” searching for a black man in today’s society, is just as antiquated as afro-puffs and blue eye shadow. Sure you can sport them every now and again, but you surely have many more options. And, by only seeking black men to date, is like going to a store and buying the same dress EVERY time you go shopping for a dress. Why in the hell would you do that?
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Stacey McClain is a writer who lives in Los Angeles.
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March 17th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I don’t mean to sound naive Stacey, but, do your friends who tell you they want to “continue the race” realize that they still, sorta are doing that? You brought up a perfect example. Isn’t Obama still considered part of “the race” even though his mother was white? I would think that he would be a perfect example for your friends who feel that way.
March 17th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
I agree with Shane. A good man is a good man. In today’s world I think it’s short sighted to only look at one race. Find a man who wants to be a good father. Your children will be considered black, no matter who you chose… but they will also be LOVED. As will you. And isn’t that what’s important?
March 19th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Yes, Shane and E… we are all saying the same thing. Find a good man, no matter what race he is… However, regarding my friend(s) who would prefer to continue the race– they are seeking men who are culturally, and clearly black. Is this their choice? Of course,– black men (clearly and culturally) is what they are attracted too… and if that’s what they want to do, then that’s cool with me. My point of the article is to ask sistahs to explore other races as well and try to come out of their comfort zone of ONLY dating brothas. Thanks for your response guys!
March 19th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Just a statement from a “brother” who is dealing with the same issues that “sisters” are. I want to get married, yet, there are no abundant choices out there, despite what I keep hearing from women, who, well, don’t actually date women, so really have no idea what they are talking about. Cutting to the chase, I don’t have a problem with Black women dating outside of the race and frankly, I don’t hear many Black men complaining about it. I only hear Black women talking about how Black men feel and what we think. I still hear more Black women complaining about the “throngs” of Black men who date outside of the race, even though the census data prove otherwise when it comes to interracial marriage.
Ladies, date and marry whomever you want, just stop trying to defend or justify it by putting down Black men and/or claiming that it is our fault that you aren’t married. Just as you are having difficulties, we ALL are. Our stats aren’t much better than yours, so consider that instead of us (Black men) being bad people, perhaps society has changed and the way we date and view dating and marriage has changed. Our low marriage numbers aren’t your fault, but they certainly aren’t our fault. Stop the blame game!
And, finally, keep this in mind: Black women were the first to venture into interracial dating before any of us were born and you have been into it for nearly twenty years as a “movement,” telling each other to di it because Black men didn’t want you. I still don’t see you lining up at the altar with “others,” so perhaps we should all stay “home” and work on fixing the real issues and find “us” instead of talking bad about “us.”
Just two cents from a Black man who can speak for himself. I have never dated outside of the race and based on my own research and surveys, not many of us are rushing to do it the way Black women are urging each other.
Darryl James, a writer in Los Angeles.
March 19th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Hey Girl!
Just one quick comment. Early on in your article, you gave the statistics for Black women at 42% having never been married, but I wonder how many of those are women who don’t desire to be married? Period. Red, White, Blue or Yellow, I personally do not desire to get married. So I’m not really sure how the stats add up, but it would be interesting to see those stats as well.
March 19th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Stacey,
It’s me again. LOL! One other question, how many of those women are gay and just not interested in men period? They might be married, but it’s not legal here, for the time being. Just curious!
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:26 am
I had to smile when I read the “stop worrying about shit you can’t control” paragraph. It’s very similar to what I believe about love — you can’t control who loves you but you can control whom and how much you choose to love, so love needs to be thought of as being given from the inside outward rather than something you’re naturally entitled to expect.
March 24th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Well said, Elayne!
April 18th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Single black women dont normally like to date asians, but if they did that would be cool.