I heard an alarming statistic the other day…42 percent of black women have never been married compared to 21 percent of white women. THEN I HEARD… black women are the least likely to get married.
After hearing this, I started counting my friends who have never been married…one, two, three, four -have been seriously looking. Five, six, seven — have given up on looking. Eight, nine, ten – decided they don’t even care anymore. Damn, what’s really going on? Are they too picky? Are they just not interested? Or are they just waiting for the brothas? A’ight ladies, a word to the wise— STOP WAITING!
Let me tell you, I’ve heard lots of excuses from black women like – “ain’t no good brothers out there, a lot of brothers are in jail, or on the D.L.,” or “I’m waiting for a man who has (insert specific like salary, height and credit history here)” , or “ brothers are dating white women,… younger women,… white women, Asian women…” (No, I’m not talking about MOTU). Most recently, I heard the excuse… I want to marry a black man to help further our race. Well, ladies I’m asking you to wake the hell up and get on the f@#king bandwagon!! IF THE BROTHAS CAN’T BE FOUND, or who are M.I.A., OR JUST AIN’T INTO YOU… LOOK ELSEWHERE!!!
What I know to be true, is… a lot of sistahs are loyal to a fault. A brotha could be in jail, have one leg, be abusive, blind, cripple or crazy and a sistah say… “Girl, he loves me, so I have to be there for him.” This idea of loyalty and the idea that you’re SUPPOSE to be with a black man no matter what, is crazy to me! Ladies, it’s a new millennium, time to move forward – our brothas have so what are you waiting for?!
SEVERAL of my male friends are dating younger women, older women, white women as well as other races of women and my sistah friends seem to be standing on the sidelines mad or waiting for the brothas to simply notice. After talking to people who are (or were) married to “brothas of a different hue,” they’ve said—“a relationship can be blissful or it could be hell no matter whom you’re with.” Could race mixing present a different set of problems if you’re with someone outside your race? Sure. But, ALL relationships are work!! Be alone or be brave!
Some black women will talk about how they can have they own job, take care of their own car, will pay their own bills and any other independent task to show how tough they are. This idea was groundbreaking in my mother’s day when women didn’t really work and they stayed at home with their husband for the sake of their kids, or when they got married because they were pregnant. And, even back then, I bet all that shit was hard to do! However, our social norms are changing, and values are shifting. So, where is the same independent thinking when it comes to dating? You can do whatever you want, but you won’t date whom ever you want? C’mon sistahs– IT’S OKAY! Date who you want to date!
Stop limiting yourselves! Go! Explore the world of men in — Asia, Korea, Europe, Italy, Peru, Guatemala, Mexico, and Australia! I’m hoping that after you read this, you will open up your hearts, and minds to any race of man who might be checking for you. How do you know you can’t be happy with an Asian guy, or a guy from Guatemala? You don’t know until you get your azz out there!
Stop worrying about shit you can’t control. And, the idea of trying to save our race is something that you truly can’t control! Seriously! You can’t control how the world will be several years from now. You can’t control whom black men choose to date. And, you have never been able to control other races of women looking to date black men! What you can control is your own damn happiness.
Think bout it… Black men who’ve dated outside of their race never worried about “continuing the race.” Black men who left their families behind didn’t worry about how black women were going to survive. Don’t be confused, I am NOT telling you to stop looking for that perfect “Obamaesque” brotha!! Hell yeah– keep looking for him, especially, if you can find him. All I’m saying is, the idea of “only” searching for a black man in today’s society, is just as antiquated as afro-puffs and blue eye shadow. Sure you can sport them every now and again, but you surely have many more options. And, by only seeking black men to date, is like going to a store and buying the same dress EVERY time you go shopping for a dress. Why in the hell would you do that?
Stacey McClain is a writer who lives in Los Angeles.