Dear Art & Chris,
As I’m sure you’re aware I was recently arrested in Zurich for evading arrest on a thirty-year old conviction for making rape-ual advances at a pretty hot thirteen-year-old girl. I know you guys don’t usually offer advice of legal nature, but I’m desperate. How can I avoid going to one of your American prisons?
-Roman Polanski, Director, Pirates… Actor, Detective Revi in Rush Hour 3
If you didn’t want to go to jail for raping a thirteen year old the pro-move would have been to not plead guilty to the crime of raping a 13 year old, that usually tips off the police. You’re pretty much boned at this point cause America is known for their unusually harsh treatment of arrested celebrities, especially their white celebrities. Hollywood in particular is known for their particularly harsh and meticulous prosecution of it’s celebrities. Many people aren’t aware of this but the jails of Los Angeles County are overwhelmingly populated by famous affluent young white men. Constant protests clamoring for a new Celebrity Bill of Rights have done little to ease the tension. Alright; let’s get real Roman, come here, get sentenced to 45 days of community service, film a few PSAs warning grown men not to drug and buttbang children, and then go back to making one good movie and then like 20 shitty ones.
Many people are shocked that you’ve even been arrested since the original conviction was so long ago, and the victim (Samantha Geimer) has filed to have all charges dismissed. We’ll agree it does seem petty. Here’s the thing, when an average American man has sex with an under aged girl they’re all but guaranteed to be exposed as a creep by some crappy telejournalist, then beaten and arrested to add insult to their complete humiliation. Did I mention that child rapists will be sodomized repeatedly during their stay in prison, because they will be regularly sodomized by everyone including the warden.
Here’s our advice Roman, neither of us except Art think what you did was even wrong. Unfortunately, if you’re man enough to sleep with a thirteen-year-old girl you should also be man enough to face the consequences. We agree that America pursuing you is over the top, however we also believe that 30 years ago had you simply gone to sentencing you almost certainly would not have been forced to serve any time. Now 30 years later this is almost certainly still the case. If you’re sentenced finally Mrs. Geimer will no longer be forced to constantly relive this painful chapter of her life. You probably shouldn’t have fled thirty years ago, but that doesn’t mean that allowing yourself to be sentenced now isn’t the right thing to do. There are a million reasons why this case should be thrown out, but that doesn’t alter the fact that you committed a terrible crime and ending finally putting an end to this trial will also alleviate some of the suffering of your victim. Try and do the right thing.
Dear Art & Chris,
I have just led my political party, the Socialist Pasok Party, to a huge victory. We have toppled the center-right New Democracy Party while handing them their largest defeat since democracy returned to Greece in 1974. You guys are known as leaders in the Internet text-based comedy world. As a similarly prominent leader what advice can you give me on how to effectively govern my country?
-George Papandreou, Prime Minister of Greece, Head of the Panhellenic Socialist Movement
First of all you definitely need to change the name of your political party. We don’t know if you know this but it has the word socialist in it. People are going to call you a socialist. If we’ve learned anything in America this summer it’s that accusing someone of being a socialist is like dropping a million rhetorical a-bombs at once. We’re not sure if your political framework can take that kind of heat or if Greeks know what an a-bomb is.
We’ve just been informed that in places like Europe, where people don’t treat politics like pre-school recess games, socialism isn’t a dirty word that spells political ruin. Your political platform also doesn’t seem to include reeducation camps, work farms, or prisons in Siberia.
OK you got us. We don’t know anything about Greek politics. We were just hoping to make some cheap socialism jokes for a few hundred words and then punch out. Then in the course of doing only the most cursory amount of research it seems you aren’t of the Stalin variety of socialist and ran on a platform of a large stimulus program and reducing corruption. Watch the deficits though; the EU hates that shit.
More importantly, what is happening to all these old school political dynasties? Between this and the Liberal Democratic Party losing in Japan earlier this year it seems to be a bad year for old school center-right parties overwhelmingly wrought with corruption. You guys didn’t used to take this kind of shit. You were corrupt as hell and everyone knew it but they voted for you anyway. This is how democracy works people. Incumbency in government is basically the coolest thing in the world and this year everyone seems to be fucking it up. The populace doesn’t want to care about government; they just want to get through the next day. If you are so corrupt it’s dragging people away from their music-based reality shows perhaps your reach has far exceeded it’s grasp.