Here’s a recap of our last two columns: A hydrogen bomb is set to explode in Los Angeles and only two people can stop it, Art and Chris. The terrorists want Art and Chris to defect from Michael Davis World to join them in fringe publishing. Art and Chris have murdered dozens of people in response. Having solved their problem with a mole (it was Chris) and unexpected death (Art’s better now) they’re finally ready to finish the job, except Chris went back to save a pie.
The following takes place between 9:39 and 9:47.
9:39- Chris arrives at his Silver Lake home. He does a cursory scan of the perimeter of his house and spots his pie undisturbed on the windowsill. Chris enters the house and moves towards the pie. Suddenly, a bear bursts out of a hall closet. Lured by the smell of fresh pie this bear clearly decided to lie in wait for a person to return so he could enjoy some human flesh with his pie. This is what bears do.
9:40- Art reaches the outskirts of the terrorist complex in Pasadena. The installation is heavily fortified and, under the cover of darkness, is impossible to recon visually. Art pulls out his Michael Davis World standard issue GPS. Connecting to the server he can see through satellite imaging that the security personnel is heavily weighted towards the east side of the compound. The GPS also brings to his attention a hole in the fence towards the northwest corner that has been cut by raccoons.
9:41- Chris tears out of the door of his house with the bear in hot pursuit. Chris, who would never turn a weapon on an innocent woodland creature, is unsure how to deal with this perilous predicament without hurting the local ecosystem. He decides he must lead the bear on a foot chase to tire it out naturally. Chris begins to lead the bear north through the hills. The blood moving to his brain faster Chris has a revelation, he pulls out his phone and starts texting.
9:42- Already through the gate Art makes his way stealthily to the main building. He climbs up to a rear window and slides it open to get in. The camera pans sideways to reveal a ton of guards oblivious to the subterfuge taking place around the corner. Through one of those multi-panels on the same screen effects we see a running Chris press send on his mobile phone. Art’s phone beeps with the receipt of the text message alerting the guards to his presence. They draw their weapons and approach.
Hey guys Art & Chris are hosting a night of improv comedy on Tuesday April 20th from 8-10pm at Hollywood Billiards. It should be a lot of fun. We hope we can see a lot of you there. Let’s get back to the action.
9:43- Art has dispatched the guards and they are all doubled over on the ground clutching their new thigh wounds. Art climbs into the open window and makes his way to the central room. There he sees the leader of the terrorists cloaked in shadows barking orders at underlings. Frustrated at how Art & Chris have consistently foiled this plot at every turn. It occurs to Art to check his phone for the text message that tipped the guards outside to his location. He looks down at the screen and gasps.
9:44- Having drastically underestimated the stamina of the modern bear Chris is starting to be frustrated with having to stay one step ahead of this bear. Then, noticing his surroundings Chris realizes he’s back in Pasedena. Maybe he can turn his bear problem into a bear weapon. Back in the complex Art steps out in to the open and calls out to the terrorist leader. He says he can’t believe that all this mayhem had to happen over something as simple as family ties. The terrorist leader steps out of the shadows revealing herself to be none other than Media Goddess Martha Thomases, Art’s own mother. It is at this moment that Chris bursts through the back door being trailed by a huge bear.
9:45- The bear starts to maul the terrorist forces as Art & Chris turn their attention to Martha. In a dramatic and stirring speech she explains that she turned to violent extremism after having to sit through too many endless meetings of her pacifism groups. Chris points out that this doesn’t make a lot of sense and besides Martha has never seemed like much of an ultra-Zionist. Art adds that he has access to an awful lot of her knitting projects and that they could be easily destroyed if this went any further. Martha folds under the twin cannons of overwhelming logic and cheap sentimentalism and agrees to end her reign of terror. This is largely irrelevant as her entire operation has been eaten by a now happily sleeping bear. The three decide to step outside into the brisk Los Angeles evening.
9:46- Upon stepping outside they see that Los Angeles has been completely destroyed by the hydrogen bomb that detonated a minute ago. Everyone had forgotten about that deadline. Through Twitter, Art & Chris discover that none of the good taco trucks have been destroyed and therefore are not bothered at all by the massive destruction. LA kind of sucks.