I am facing what might be the most difficult decision of my life. I am a free agent this offseason and I could play for any basketball team in the world. No matter where I go I will be paid an astronomical amount of money. The problem is I don’t know where I should play. The following teams have the cap space to potentially sign me. I could play for the Chicago Bulls, the Los Angeles Clippers, the Miami Heat, the New York Knicks, or the New Jersey Nets. I could also return to play for Cleveland. You guys are well-traveled, where should I play?
We can help you. We’ll just do what our parents taught us to do in situations like this. We’ll make a pros and cons list for all of your options and then you can just see which appeals to you more.
Pros: That crowd is absolutely in love with you. They’ll love you forever no matter what happens and will be eternally grateful just because you decided to stay. The Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame is pretty neat and they have a really solid record store contained therein. It’s way better than Detroit.
Cons: Cavaliers is a pretty stupid name; pirates were bad at basketball. While miles better than Detroit there aren’t many other cities it compares favorably to. There’s no local cuisine to speak or really much in the way of identity. The governor of Ohio recently said that Cleveland was the best choice because the people were nicer. That’s because they’re fat there and no one would hang out with them if they weren’t nice.
Pros: Best supporting cast of any team with the money to hire you. Awesome hot dogs. They film the Batman movies there so this is your best chance to be Batman. Birthplace of improv comedy so you’ll probably be assured to have the funniest chants in pro sports. It’s a town that has shown it can support a pro basketball team.
Cons: They showed that when they fanatically supported the team when it had the best player to ever live. You will never get out of MJs shadow playing for the Bulls. Have you ever been to Chicago during the winter? It’s like hell. Ever been to Chicago during the summer? Also hell. There’s like a week in spring when it’s nice and you’ll probably be spending that week in another city because of the playoffs.
Pros: It’s New York. You’ve seen countless love letters to this city in basically every artistic medium known to man. It’s the media capitol of the world so the spotlight on you would never dim even for a second. You would look great in Blue and Orange. You could finally knock that punk Jeter down a couple pegs.
Cons: Jeter might want to hang out with you. Everything you ever do will be on the back page of the tabloids. You better hope your squeaky clean image isn’t a front. If you turn out to be a disappointment the fans can be the meanest fucks on this earth. Also it would be hard on Art if the Knicks had a player of your caliber while he was trapped 3,000 miles away.
Pros: No good person likes the Lakers. If you played for the Clippers millions of people would rejoice. This is a town that knows how to treat a celebrity, you would be like a god here (a god that lived on a street with a bunch of other gods).
Cons: Owner is famously racist. Staples Center is a shitty arena. You will live in Kobe Bryant’s shadow for the rest of his career. This town is obsessed with that guy. Even if you play 1,000 times better than him Laker die hards will give you know respect. Also say goodbye to anything resembling privacy with this paparazzi culture out here.
Pros: They will be moving to Brooklyn in the next three years
Cons: Until then they are playing in Newark. Newark, New Jersey. There aren’t a lot of famous people living in Newark because drug addicts have murdered them all. The team is actually owned by an Evil Russian Billionaire. For more information on the failings of New Jersey please consult the MTV reality smash hit Jersey Shore.
We don’t need to say anything about this besides the fact that they decided to move the second season of Jersey Shore to Miami. This is a place more Jersey than Jersey. Stay far away.