Escape from Planet MOTU, by James Rhoades – The Guest Spot
Quickly, while I still have time. I think he went out to get dog food, and he forgot to secure my chains today. He hid the phones; all I have is this message.
I’m getting ahead of myself: I’m James Rhoades, apprentice and captive of Michael Davis. Three years ago, I met Michael and pursued an apprenticeship in his studio. I thought it would be pleasant, a nice way to learn my craft without paying for classes. I had always wanted to do graphic novels, and I even learned to read by reading old Batman comics. I was thinking, “Here’s a chance to learn from an industry insider!” I was enthralled by his tales of success with past apprentices and the kind of education he could offer to those who were worthy. He told me that being an apprentice would be hard work, but it would eventually help me far more than learning on my own. I believed that it could not be harder than the classes I was taking at the time. After all, apprenticeships are just unpaid jobs, right?
How wrong I was.
My first day, I eagerly brought in my portfolio to have Michael review. I’m not going to lie, I was a pretty unrealistic teen at the time. Even then, I understood that the arts were a difficult industry to break into, but despite that, I was still dreaming that Michael would recognize my innate talent and offer me a job on the spot. Looking back, it was a wonder that I ever thought I was ready. While Michael recognized I had some talent, I was very much an amateur. My dreams delayed, I eagerly awaited my first art lesson. The assignment? Clean and organize the cabinets and drawers in the studio. My first lesson was that an illustrator must always keep his or her space organized. In fact, for nearly six months I never touched a pencil or pulled out a piece of paper. It was six months of organizing, filing, cleaning, and reorganizing the studio. I didn’t grumble, but I was certainly puzzled. Weren’t artists supposed to, y’know, create ART? I kept my question to myself and persevered on faith.
Eventually, patience won out, and Michael finally sat me down at a desk to draw. Since then, I’ve chained myself to his light table to research, draw, and ink everything the Master commands. The regimen took some getting used to at first (I wasn’t used to forcing myself to draw for hours at a time), but as a result the quality of my art took a quantum leap. More importantly, the schedule Michael had me on taught me how to work. Michael has told me time and time again, my art will always improve; what’s important is learning how to build a career.
After a few years of working with Michael, I’ve learned one very important fact: the man is psychic. Not “Miss Cleo on late night TV” psychic, oh no. He is spooky psychic. One day I walk in looking a little disheveled, perhaps even tired. As far as I can tell though, I certainly didn’t look sad or angry. The first thing he says to me is, “Having girlfriend trouble?” I hadn’t admitted to myself that I was having girlfriend trouble yet, and here was Michael pointing it out to me. He predicted that we’d be broken up within two months. What happened two months later, you ask? We had broken up, over a concern that he perceived in me before I had even thought about it.
Not convinced? One night after work he told me, emphatically, to drive home carefully. That night, I was looking a little worn down from school, but I was no more tired that I was on any other evening. I assured him I would, and left without any concerns.
LITERALLY fifteen minutes later, I had a minor accident because I wasn’t totally aware of my surroundings. Since then I’ve learned to heed Michael’s words; also, to never attempt to hide anything from him. Some days I feel like my life is wrapped in cellophane because of how clearly Michael can tell when I’m keeping a secret. When you’re in a work environment where dishonesty is not only unappreciated, but practically impossible, it tends to make you more diligent.
Anyway, I digress. As I type this with my ink-caked fingers, basking in sunlight (Is that a bird? Oh man, I haven’t seen a bird in months…), I know that all this work and diligence will pay off soon.
I can hear his car in the driveway, I better get back to the dungeon. This state-of-the-art shock collar prevents me from leaving the premises, but I rigged the basement door so I can open it from the inside now.
Until my chains rust from neglect,
James Rhoades

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January 8th, 2011 at 6:38 am
Do you get health insurance? Because, if so, this doesn’t sound so bad.
January 8th, 2011 at 7:44 am
Wait a minute. He let you out of the dungeon?
January 8th, 2011 at 10:33 am
Martha,
He did but then it was repealed.
January 8th, 2011 at 10:34 am
Mike,
It was Christmas, I sent him to buy his gift.
Coal.
January 8th, 2011 at 10:55 am
Aaarggh!!! I’m hatin’!! What I wouldn’t give to toil under the baleful red glare of Saur…err…the mOTu’s Eye. How can I usurp this James Rhodes ( Hmph…such presumption!) character’s position? After all, these things must be done deeelliicately.
“Double, double, toil and…”
January 8th, 2011 at 11:04 am
“…and great success to you, young blood!”
The mOTu’s hands are better than Allstate’s.
January 8th, 2011 at 3:37 pm
James, does MOTU let you eat Asian?
January 8th, 2011 at 4:10 pm
@Reg- Thanks for the good luck wishes, but now I feel like I have to look over my shoulder while I’m drawing…
@Pennie- Can’t say that I get to often dine on Asian whilst in the Davis Stronghold. It’d be too easy for the rats to steal my food while I’m not looking.
January 8th, 2011 at 6:11 pm
James,
Those ‘rats’ were once apprentices also. How did they go from full size human beings to rats?
Well, it all started when they dared to speak of what goes on in MOTU Land…
January 8th, 2011 at 6:11 pm
Pennie,
REALLY? I mean REALLY!!??
January 8th, 2011 at 8:25 pm
@ Pennie… I ALMOST went with “…As thousands of Asian women will attest.”, after my Allstate line.
January 9th, 2011 at 2:03 pm
@MOTU and Reg…I was thinking Hot Asian, like Szechuan. What on earth did you think I was referring to?
}’;>)
January 9th, 2011 at 5:19 pm
Pennie,
I knew that..really
REALLY! I did!
January 9th, 2011 at 5:37 pm
MOTU,
As Randy Newman sang about eating hot Asian, “You can leave your hat on.”
January 11th, 2011 at 8:13 am
HAHAHAHA Sucker! James did he tell you that he can’t walk down the streets in paris because the french love his shit? in 20 years you can join our we survived bad boy studios group and we’ll console you as you weep quietly in the corner. Ask Davis about the “If Derek calls, I’m not here” incident. It was a classic Bad boy moment. If you need some psychological ammo, tell him to stop using tangerine as a flesh tone.
January 12th, 2011 at 3:24 am
Felix, he showed me letters he’s received from French fans over the years. How crazy is that, man! And I look forward to sitting in on those groups and getting some rehabilitation.
And I’ll save that ammo for later, when my life and livelihood are not quite so delicately balanced in his hands…
January 13th, 2011 at 2:17 pm
James -
Glad to hear you! The embryo appears to be developing nicely from zygote into art-boy chattel…
January 13th, 2011 at 5:08 pm
Whitney,
…white people.