I Know You Are, But What Am I? By The Littlest Bitch by David Quinn – In Walked Quinn #11 – @MDWorld

April 23, 2012 David Quinn 2 Comments

Shot to the bottom of this post to learn how you can meet The Littlest Bitch in person. Till then, this week features an excerpt from:

I Know You Are, But What Am I?

The Littlest Bitch’s Five Excellent Tips for Excellent Leadership

People ask me how I, Isabel, demonstrate excellent leadership totally excellently.

Well, at least Mummy asks. She doesn’t shut up about it. I tell her George Clooney’s on the porch, then when she runs out there, I deadbolt the door. Peace and quiet at last.

Anyway, here are my five top tips, for those of you who aspire to the Executive Suite:

1. Walk the Walk.

Inspire your workforce by what you do, not simply what you say.

Lip service to employee development and hollow promises like “pay for performance” just don’t cut it anymore. No, no, no, no – instead, institute a “confidential” employee survey – require a social security or other unique identifier on each poll to heighten that flair of “big sister” paranoia.

You’ll truly make the little people feel little.

And, you can make all sorts of amusing changes to compensation and benefits afterwards, claiming your new scorched earth policies are “in response to employee survey results.”

You’re welcome!

2. Never Stop Learning.

You’re the boss. But your real job is to never stop learning.

I learned something today. Did you know you can serve on as many directorial boards as you want to? And do next to nothing? And be compensated for each position?

Yes, “You can take home stupid money,” as my Uncle Richard used to say as he bounced me on his lap.

Accountability. It’s for everyone. Except the board.

You’re welcome!

3. Today is Your Last Day in This Role – and You Can Have That Heart Attack Outside, Pal.

Some managers like saying, “Win-win.”

Other leaders like saying, “Team player.”

Some bosses go for, “Leverage our synergies.”

What really warms my heart and spreads my pate are those 17 little words, “Today is your last day in this role – and you can have that heart attack outside, pal!”

You’re welcome! 

4. When the Employee May Have a Weapon, Sit Near the Door and Let Your Human Resources Pawn Do All the Talking.

Quite ‘nuff said, True Believers.

You’re welcome!

5. I Don’t Care What I Asked For, I Want What I Want! 

No, no, no, no! COME ON, people, FOCUS!

Mummy! The lock is stuck! Wait, what’s that – is George taking off his shirt?

You’re welcome! 

Who is The Littlest Bitch? Little Isabel is a deliciously funny cross between the mischievous Eloise and The Bad Seed – and she’s tapped into her inner CEO to become the 5-year-old tyrant readers will love to hate. Like all good children’s stories for adults, this one has a moral – if you dream of swimming with the sharks, you just might get eaten alive! Become a fan at The Littlest B on Facebook.

New Yorkers: Meet The Littlest Bitch in person – with her lowly assistant David Quinn at MoCCA Fest, Exhibitor A11, April 28-29