Your hatred of Taylor Swift is practically legendary at this point. She has a new album out this week and it is absolutely everywhere. You can get a copy of it delivered with a Papa John’s pizza for $22. I’m excited to hear you lay into her for her lack of artistry and her saccharine tunes that seem impossible to digest for more than a minute or so at a time. Enough from me though I’m here to see a professional rip into this hack. Have at it; what’s the matter with Taylor Swift?
I know you didn’t ask me to hide your name but trust me it’s for your own good. I’ll do it for the same reason I won’t shit talk Taylor Swift in writing: I am terrified of the woman. I have the kind of ego that makes me think I’m prominent to anger this woman and from what I’ve seen you don’t want to get her mad. The last thing I need in my life is hearing the refrain to her new smash hit “Bloggers Named Art Suck” through every radio I pass. You don’t need that either. I know this joke isn’t exactly the cutting edge of Taylor Swift satire but I felt compelled to do it out of abject fear. Taylor Swift is out there and she won’t hesitate to destroy through song like a 22 year-old blonde battle rapper. Ether meets Marie Claire.
I also feel generally terrible about hating a young pop star. I’m an adult and I should just not listen. If she’s on TV I can watch something else. With the exception of trips to the gym and riding in other people’s cars there are very few times when I don’t have control over the music I’m listening to. The idea that I have pop stars I actively despise is really childish; there should be musicians and songs I like and stuff not in my life at all. To spend any time actually making fun of Taylor Swift would feel a little too much like being a cyberbully in a movie of the week. Movie of the week, coincidentally, is a reference too old to appeal to people who like Taylor Swift. Sorry, I just said I wouldn’t do that.
Really the things that get to me the most are less about Swift and more about the declining state of music in general. She’s constantly being praised for writing her own songs and it’s insane that you can have a long career in music without having any sort of acumen for writing songs. Isn’t there a point where you’re basically a famous cover band for a bunch of musicians no one’s ever heard of? Creativity and authenticity shouldn’t be so rare that it qualifies as headline news. Typing this paragraph makes me feel like an old person who wants the kids of his lawn. I’m going to go soak my teeth and enjoy some prune juice.