It’s Not Easy Being Me, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #289 | @MDWorld
Yeah, it’s going to be another one of those…
I freely admit that I have issues. One of my many issues is I just don’t give a fuck if someone doesn’t understand why I may or may not do something. I’ve been on that particular bandwagon for about 20 years now, since I was 5, Jean.
I’ve had relationships with women who, for whatever reason, don’t like something about me or want to know more about a particular subject that I’m hesitant to talk about.
But is that an issue?
Don’t I have the right to deny anyone an explanation about how I choose to live my life or deny someone answers to things I don’t want to talk about?
I dated this woman once who seemed obsessed with knowing my feelings about my real father. She was extremely preoccupied with why I did not care who my real father was. We would spend countless hours dealing with my non-daddy issues.
“Aren’t you curious?”
“No.”
“Don’t you want to know where you come from?”
“I’m from Queens.”
This shit would go on and on, until one day I had had enough and screamed “I could give a fuck who my real father was, my mother raised me, and as far as I’m concerned my real father can die like a dog in the street!”
Yes, that outburst came after intense lovemaking, and yes I was done, and yes all I wanted to do was take a little nap before I got up and out of dodge, so yes, I was a bit irritated.
But, no, she could not let it go, she wanted to ‘bond.’ She wanted to ‘talk.’
Ladies, here’s a bit of advice that no other man will give you: if you want to know something about your man, ask the question before he cums.
Really.
Hey — my column is not called Straight No Chaser just because I like the Monk song or the way Frank Sinatra ordered his drinks, so if you are offended by my truth or lack of tact, I could give a fuck.
Damn, but should I give a fuck?
Should I care that someone wants to get to know more about me than I’d care to share?
I’ve always been of the mindset that if someone does not want to talk about something, then I’m not going to press them on it. My mother has never broached the subject of who my real father was, and if she does not want to tell me about it, why the fuck should I insist?
I’ve seen those movies where the son or daughter makes it their mission in life to find their father, who was not in their life for whatever reason. If I manage to stay in my seat or not turn the channel, I’m still yelling “HE DID NOT WANT YOU! MOVE THE FUCK ON!”
Am I wrong?
I’m serious when I ask that.
Should I care to answer questions about my life that I’d rather not? Should I dive into places and open wounds so someone else can get answers to questions about my personal demons?
I’ve been thinking lately about my past behavior and my no-nonsense approach to my life.
I’d like to know if perhaps I’ve been a bit hard on people. Have I been wrong to be so cold-blooded?
I’d like to know what others think.
I can’t say whether or not I’ll give a fuck, but I’d like to know.
What?
![[Facebook]](http://mdwp.malibulist.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/facebook.png)
![[MySpace]](http://mdwp.malibulist.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/myspace.png)
![[Twitter]](http://mdwp.malibulist.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/twitter.png)
![[Email]](http://mdwp.malibulist.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/email.png)
October 26th, 2012 at 4:12 am
I really think you already know the answer to your question. I find that probing is useless unless you’re willing to confront the end result. In this instance would be perhaps searching talking and meeting your father. My only question would be does he know that his offspring exist? If he doesn’t then, would you like to know if the table was turn and you were the dad?
October 26th, 2012 at 4:51 am
You are right. Hollywood be damned. If your father was enough of an asshole to walk out on you and he never bothered to try and establish contact, then chances are that he won’t morph into a lovable human being just because you want to chat with him. Trying to meet him would only be asking for fresh trauma.
One of my best friends was abandoned by his father when he was very young, he was 3, I think. Old man moved on to another family, another wife, new kids. My friend would send those heartfelt letters whenever something important happened to him, like graduating from college. He only received silence and all contact was indirect, handled by Dad’s new wife.
The girl that is my neighbour? Dad moved on to another family when she was a teen. Dad did his best to ruin the old wife and get all the family money for the mistress-turned-new-wife. They used to be rich, now they’re in this small, crampled apartment, and the girl suffers from a lot of psychological disorders.
My point? Men who walk out on their families and never look back are cold, selfish, son-of-a-bitches. If they weren’t cold, selfish, son-of-a-bitches, they would have remained in some sort of contact, believe me. Trying to get in touch with them is just asking for more rejection, more humiliation, more coldness.
The only occasion they may try to re-establish contact is if they find a way to take advantage of their kids. So, if you strike it rich and win the lottery, then maybe Daddy will visit.
October 26th, 2012 at 5:54 am
Not to press you to do something you don’t want to do, but perhaps these women are asking because they think it would help you. They can be wrong, but they are asking because they care about you.
I admit that someone begging you to do something you don’t want to do because she cares about you is among the most annoying things in the universe.
October 26th, 2012 at 6:31 am
Are you having children of your own? Writing an autobiography? Running for President? If not, you don’t *need* to know your father.
And as long as you don’t have to tell yourself this more than once in a blue moon, there is probably no trauma that will be assuaged by finding out, either. Life goes on, you can go with it.
October 26th, 2012 at 7:15 am
Some aspects of my life I’ve opened up to a few people who have been there for me, but that does not give someone else access by proxy. For example, a few friends know the abuse and overall garbage I had to put up with growing up. However, that doesn’t mean whomever they’re dating/married to are entitled to that information.
An ex (thank goodness she’s an ex) of a friend would get annoyed when I refused to talk about anything pre-college other than my saying what city/state I’m originally from. Even when I finally, tactfully, said “I don’t want to talk about it”, she wouldn’t let up. I must have a bad poker face because after she asked if my friend knew stuff about me, she lit up and said how she should know too since he knows. I don’t believe in hitting women but she was coming close to being the exception.
I take the approach that if I wouldn’t want to give the answer then I won’t ask the question to someone else. Someone may mean well and want to help but if the person wants you to drop it, then stop. If they want to open up to you, they will, don’t force it.
The frequent inquiries into topics that aren’t open for discussion are about as bad as those that try to make you feel petty for not “forgiving” those that terrorized your life. I don’t live in the past but that doesn’t mean I’m going to forgive and forget what some have done, especially when they themselves have no remorse.
Sorry for the unloading, MOTU.
October 26th, 2012 at 7:25 am
My oldest daughter is adopted. She has no interest in finding her birth mom. I, on the other hand, would like to know how she’s doing and thank her for giving me so much indescribable joy. I think it’s good to tell people when an action they have done has provided so much benefit to so many, God knows everyone lets you know when you’ve screwed things up! But for my daughter it’s just no big deal, even now that she has a beautiful child of her own. (Tip for folks adopting kids–let adoption and the circumstances of the adoption be just a matter of fact in your child’s life and it will probably not be a Big Deal when they get older.)
If I found out today that my parents were not my “real” parents, it would not change one iota how I feel about them (well, except for the brief period of being pissed off about not being told the big secret, but I’d get over that). Would not feel any compulsive need to find my biologicals. I think we are a combination of nature and nurture so it would be cool to see if any of my personality traits would match up with my genetic ancestry but it isn’t like I haven’t figured out my talents by now…at 52 I’m unlikely to discover a flair for playing the French Horn, right?
As for the nagging young lady, Martha is probably right in that she meant well. The thing is, you seem like someone who pretty much knows who he is. For a lot of people that is the central mystery of their life and they seek to answer it with clues like “Where did I come from”, as though their parent’s lives hold the magic solution to their own dilemmas. Someone like that would be absolutely gobsmacked at the idea of not wanting to know about your father.
October 26th, 2012 at 8:20 am
“if you want to know something about your man, ask the question before he cums.”
Ummmm… Here’s an important add-on: Not RIGHT before.
At that moment, you’re asking about the wrong kind of daddy.
October 26th, 2012 at 10:10 am
Out of respect for my step-father, who helped raise me from age 9 onwards, I waited 44 years (until he was dying) before I poked around on Google, found the guy I thought was my biological father living out in California, and wrote him a note.
It turns out I was right, and he sent his phone number. We later talked, and I gave his number to my older sister, in case she was interested in establishing contact. She called him as well.
I naturally told my Mom about the contact, and, honest to God, the first thing she said, in a matter-of-fact tone, was, “Don’t lend him any money. You’ll never get it back.”
We talked once or twice during the next year and a half, and in the summer of 2009, I sent him a birthday card. A week or so later, I got a letter from his current wife saying, “Oh, he passed away months ago, and I forgot to drop you a note.”
I felt no particular sadness when I read the news. In fact, I think I laughed and shook my head at how ditsy (or crafty) his wife was. But if the oversight was a calculated move on her part to avoid any estate claims, she needn’t have worried. That was the last thing I cared about. In fact, the main thing I was was interested in when I initially contacted him I got before he died — family health history on his side to pass on to my kids.
By the way, MOTU, my wife never nagged me about the whole “How do you FEEL about your birth father?” stuff. Early on I told her about that phase of my life and that was that. The fact is, I’m nothing like my birth father — which is a good thing, based on everything I know about his side of the family.
I’ve always felt that, whether one realizes it or not, every single person has the power to define who they are. And while ancestry may be interesting to read about or talk about at parties, I don’t think it shoud ever be used as a club or a crutch.
October 26th, 2012 at 12:28 pm
MOTU,
Its your right not to care about those issues and you’re not hurting anyone by doing so. As for the people who have pressed you about them, its none of their business. If they were family and you did know, you’d need to share; but there isn’t a reason for you to find out, if you don’t want to.
October 26th, 2012 at 1:37 pm
Lucy,
I really don’t care if my ‘real’ father is alive or dead. I wanted opinions on rather or not I was being a dick by not answering certain questions or even caring about those questions being asked. The ‘father’ question is one of many that I just refuse to answer and was used as an example of such.
All that said, THANK YOU for taking the time to comment-it means a lot to me.
Really.
October 26th, 2012 at 1:52 pm
Martha,
I’m sure that people mean well but I have a real problem with anyone that tries to ‘fix me.’ I’ve never thought that talking about something that I don’t want to talk about will be helpful to me.
My mom’s a shrink-if I need that kind of help I know where to get it from. I don’t need anyone in my life trying to help me with issues they think are important to me I but I don’t.
OR…I could be wrong, I was…once.
October 26th, 2012 at 2:00 pm
David,
“Are you having children of your own? Writing an autobiography? Running for President? If not, you don’t *need* to know your father.”
David-I’m not (that I know of
)having kids but I am writing an autobiography or sorts. The chapter dealing with my father is called ‘Who’s your Daddy?’ I have no idea who’s mine is:
Really.
October 26th, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Bill,
“gobsmacked” is my new favorite word!
October 26th, 2012 at 2:23 pm
I have good news and bad news. Your real father is Mitt Romney.
I assume you get the bad news. The good news is it gives you yet another reason to rip on Mitt.
(I picture you reading this like in the scene from empire strikes back).
October 26th, 2012 at 4:04 pm
DAMON!!!!
I do believe you are right! The man who left my mother was a lying no good -two faced-man who most likely had more than one wife!!!
Thanks dude! Now excuse me while I call a press conference to announce this thus killing all his Tea Party support!
Oh happy day!
October 26th, 2012 at 5:42 pm
Most certainly, I have some opinions on the whole birth-father thing, as I’m on the other side of that issue: Adriane’s birth-father abandoned her and her mother. I didn’t raise her; she was 15 when she came into my life. But I’ve done all I could in the ensuing 21 years, my prime directive being showing her that all men aren’t like her birth-father. They’re not like me either, but at least I ain’t THAT guy.
Her mother and I took a couple minor shots at trying to track him down, mostly out of curiosity to see if he was still alive. In my case, I wanted to see what kind of asshole would fuck over these two amazing, wonderful people. But in a way, I’m grateful to him. I most certainly got the better end of the deal.
October 27th, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Master MOTU,
YOu are so cute, I agree with all the way!, and no you are not beeing too bitter. Everybody has right to be who the are at best. “If you don’t give a fuck works for you,” then it should be understood, not probed. It’s really simple and not personal, “YOU Don’t GIve A FUCK, and I don’t have to explain yourself” to anybody…In fact some of my homies, I adopted their phrase, “IF I want advice I’LL ASk. Sometimes it may sound harsh, but it is true . I LOVE the “I Don’t give a fuck” people in my life, they have taught me great wisdoms, “If I need to get from A to B can be easy or it can be a long nightmare, depending on what busy I’m giving a fuck about. ”
Just be consistent, so when that idoit tries to ruffle you feather, give unsolicited advice, or what woman do(OK I admit I’ve done it twice in my life DAMN Never again) trying to fix. And trust me I’ve been there, ladies,fixing is not showing caring and it not at all sexy, especially to a man that is fine with, where, and who he is. People that try to fix people are just denying the fixing they need to do with themselves. Like Michael Jackson “take a look at the “Man in the Mirror” .. Real Friends, Loved Ones, and Family all can express encouragement or concern, at the right time, holidays, when health or livelihood is at stake. THATS SIMPLE “TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF, WE ONLY GOT ONE YOU YANO” However,THE WISE Know that its always best, to let folks deal with their issues and demons on their time, on whatevr stage of life they are at. FUUNY JOKE: Even if you were a clairaeoyant hahahahaha n you see demons then ok, FUNNY Those are his, leave them with him hahahah:)cus frankly HE don’t give a fuck, don’t have to explain.” Just be cool ha!
October 27th, 2012 at 5:01 pm
R. Maheras,
Thanks for telling us about tracking down your biological father. I was moved when you wrote about waiting to find him out of respect for your step dad. That sort of stuff always gets me for some reason. I think that’s because I try my best to think about how my actions would affect those I love.
That’s why I never bothered my mom about my biological father-who knows what reaction that would garner from her. I doubt if it would be “Your REAL father was the love of my life! He was a war hero! He disappeared while saving a tiny village in Vietnam all by himself!”
No-I’m sure he disappeared on my first birthday as in the DAY I was born.
So why go there?
It’s funny-when your biological father died it evoked no sadness from you. I felt nothing when my step dad died. I worshiped the ground this man walked on when I was a kid. He was rarely in my life but when he was it seemed like the greatest thing in the world.
One day out of the blue I remembered that my always drunk step dad hit my mother in the head with a die cast metal Tonka truck, almost killing her. I had a honest to goodness repressed memory about that and it just popped into my head one day. I had to call my mom to see if it really happened and sure as shit it did.
Up until that moment I didn’t even believe in repressed memory but somehow I blocked out that terrible day until it returned like a brick to MY head. The day I confirmed with my mom that it really happened was the day I cut him out of my life and refused to talk to him or see him. He called and left me a message telling me he was dying and I ignored it.
A month or so later I got the news that he died and felt nothing. Writing this I feel sad and I wish I could say it was because of him but I’m a bit sad because my mother NEVER said anything to me about how horribly he sometimes treated her because she knew he meant the world to me.
I was six when he hit her with the truck but I’m saddened now because my mom watched while I fucking played with that truck for years.
October 27th, 2012 at 5:03 pm
Danielle,
You are correct, I AM so cute.
October 28th, 2012 at 3:05 am
MOTU wrote: “One day out of the blue I remembered that my always drunk step dad hit my mother in the head with a die cast metal Tonka truck, almost killing her.”
Geez… Well, I guess I was pretty fortunate in that when I DID finally get a father figure, he was a good one. For example, I don’t think I ever saw my (step) dad drunk. Even though we were poor, after the marriage we all were sort of like “The Brady Bunch” in that we became a single family unit. When he married my mom, he adopted us so our last names would all be the same.
To give you some idea how solid the union was, 15 years later, while filling out my security clearance application for the Air Force, I got tears in my eyes when I had to categorize family members as “half brother,” “half-sister,” “step-father,” etc. Those were terms that were never used or even thought about while growing up.
I most definitely cried the night he died in the VA hospital, and still do at times when reflecting.
By contrast, I don’t recall ever shedding a tear for my biological father (who, by the way, was a problem drinker, according to my mom). Since moving out west a few years ago, I’ve passed the town where he’s buried a number of times while driving back and forth from LA to Vegas, but I’ve never felt any urge to stop and visit his grave. And I don’t think I ever will.
October 29th, 2012 at 12:52 am
Damon and MOTU -
And the ADDITIONAL good news about Mitt Romney being your birth father:
Since it is 2012 and not 1970ish, you CAN convert to his religion, eventhough you are Black!
How does that make you feel? Details, please.
October 29th, 2012 at 3:44 am
Glad to see you’re alive and well.
Lucy from “….Carnival”
October 29th, 2012 at 6:30 am
Lucy???
LUCY??????
GETHEFUCKOUTOFHERE!!!
email me @ motu@michaeldavisworld.com and I’ll give you the hook up so we can catch up!
October 29th, 2012 at 6:34 am
Whister,
Since I was born 25 years ago ( W H A T ??) Mitt is clearly my real daddy and I expect him to do what he does best.
Deny the truth and flip flop like the lying bitch he is.
Ahhhhhhh, family.