I know you have nothing but contempt for the fabulous awards show we at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association put on once a year, our wonderful Golden Globes. We took some big steps this year to make the show more palatable to you this year most notably having it hosted by Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. Surely this has melted the ice around your heart and has let you draw our show into the endless bounty of your love. What else could we possibly do?
-Dr. Aida Takla-O’Reilly
Sorry, this isn’t going to be your year. I barely watched the Golden Globes at all. Not out of malice this year just didn’t have time. I watched the opening monologue (Amy & Tina were great but not quite great enough that assholes will stop demanding that women prove that they’re funny) and I saw Christoph Waltz win for Django (he was alright but Leonardo DiCaprio is the supporting actor who deserved recognition) and then I was off. I did do the responsible thing and watched a bunch of gifs on Tumblr and read some articles about what did happen and I feel completely justified telling you guys what went wrong with your show.
I love that yours is the awards show where people get drunk, do not consider changing that for a second. It creates this kind of infectious realness that spills over to people I don’t think touch the stuff. I don’t think Taylor Swift was drunk out of her mind when she gave Adele that stink eye but I also don’t think she would have done it at the Oscars. You know, if Swift’s song were nominated for an Oscar, which it isn’t, because Swift’s song wasn’t actually in the movie. It’s the second song played during the credits. I saw the movie four times and would have sworn up and down that I’d never heard it before. That’s the first thing you could fix and stop nominating people just to get them to show up. This is a lesson you probably should have learned when you nominated The Tourist for three awards two years ago to get Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie to show up.
You also need to pick a side in the cultural wars that are defining our times. You can’t seriously pick Fey and Poehler to host the show and then give Lena Dunham Best Actress in a Comedy, that’s how riots get started. Either the two people you chose to host the show are funny or they aren’t. Maybe they split the vote? Get some one out there with a press release or something. I don’t want to harp on Dunham or Girls anymore because I really don’t dislike them as much as everyone else on the Internet but you can’t wow me all night with some real seasoned vets and then ask me to believe both of their shows are worse than a glacially paced premium cable affair.
Because of my blogging duties last year I saw almost none of the movies nominated with the exception of Argo and Django Unchained. Thank you for basically telling me that I saw the only movies of 2012 worth seeing as I got the Best Drama with the Best Director and the Best Screenplay. That’s the kind of validation I’m looking for and it’s probably best that it comes from a group of anonymous journalists who throw a big party once a year and beg people to notice them.