Normally I come to you, dear readers, to dispense advice, to help those in need. Today, however, I come to you in my own hour of despair. You see, today is the day Grand Theft Auto V is released and I am waiting for UPS to deliver my copy. I have refreshed the UPS tracking page so often that it is now the top hit for my web browser whenever I type the letter “u” which is amazing when you consider that I’ve only had the tracking number since yesterday morning and it didn’t have any meaningful information until after 9pm. I’m in serious danger of becoming unhinged here.
The worst part is that so many people already have it and the Internet has made it possible for all of these people to rub it in my face. There were midnight releases all around the country and I have not heard a report of a crowd less than a hundred people deep and that even includes a report from Canada where you would think they would be less in to these violent video games. A fan in London was robbed and stabbed after purchasing the game, which would do horrible things to the debates about whether video games cause violence if it had happened in America, the only country the American media cares about. I can avoid sites where they cover video games and I still get all these kinds of stories. My Twitter feed is just the worst, everyone on there has it already.
This delay (seriously why did this game have to make a stop in Sylmar? There’s no airport up there, they land the plane drive the packages all the way up to the north valley and then bring it back to LA? Inefficient shit UPS.) is made all the worse by the really stressful place other pop culture has put me in this week. Breaking Bad has me wanting to bite my fingernails until my hands are nothing but blunt stumps. Other TV shows are coming back so gradually I could actually go insane. I have to wait a whole week to see the premier of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. but Fox is putting Dads out tonight. That isn’t fair Hollywood! I demand equity in quality and delivery of new television.
I hear you rolling your eyes out there. I know these are the definition of first world problems. I know people are starving to death or being hunted by death squads while I sit here and type about having to wait several more hours to play a video game. I know I could read a book or go outside or be a productive member of society. I know that the gender politics of this series of games are historically awful and aren’t getting better and maybe I shouldn’t be giving my money these people to begin with. I hear you. This would be the advice I would be giving to someone who was this obsessed with something I didn’t care about. I’ll try it, it’s the right thing to do but I swear to god if I miss my delivery because I went for a walk or some other outside world nonsense I promise there will be Grand Theft Auto for me in LA tonight be it video game or otherwise.