MICHAEL DAVIS WORLD

You can't make this stuff up, so we don't!

I’m in Hell, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #342 | @MDWorld

March 7, 2014 Michael Davis 3 Comments

IMG_9847The following started as a Facebook rant but is now so, so much more.

I currently reside in Hell. I somehow ended up here and have been all month. Hell.

The month started with a huge meeting at Hidden Beach Records. The meeting was set for 2 p.m. I left my house at 1:30, but I ran into traffic and informed Hidden Beach I was running 20 minutes or so behind. Without traffic the ride from my home is about 20-25 minutes. My GPS told me I’d get there at 2:10, but I said 2:25-2:30 just to be on the safe side.

My arrival time? Almost 5 fucking p.m.

My GPS tried to kill me, and on top of that I have NO GODDAMN sense of direction. When I finally got to the meeting (after crying in CEO Steve McKeever’s arms) I proudly presented them with the wrong version of what the fuck the meeting was about.

Fast forward past some personal heartbreak that I’m not sharing here. But trust me — it’s heartbreaking. So after I return from “the-shit-which-must-not-be-named” what do I find?

Water.

My house floods, not from the RAIN STORM that I looked forward to but missed — most of that would make perfect sense — but nope, my home is flooded because my water heater looked at the calendar and realized the warranty is up and has been for 8 fucking days. Yep. Feb 2014 was the end of my warranty.

I missed my Comicmix deadline, but a flooded house is a pretty good reason right? Well yeah, except my column for Bleeding Cool which was written and SENT LAST week was, for some white-person-in-London reason, run THIS week on Tuesday. Guest what Tuesday is?  Tuesday is the day my Comicmix articles run, unless I blow the deadline.

So, my BC piece runs on Tuesday, which I’m sure CM saw and thought was a “fuck Comicmix” from me.

It’s painfully obvious from the outpouring of sheer hatred by some on BC that Rich Johnson, my BC editor, wants me all to himself. But over at CM, Mike Gold and or his lovely talented daughter Adriane (my CM editors), think I’m on meth or in love with a fat white girl who’s keeping me in ribs and chicken, preventing me from whatever good I was did at CM. It would not surprise me with the month I’m having if CM is looking for any good — good? Yeah right. ANY reason — to 86 me I’m sure.

The last time they wanted me gone, they fired every single columnist in an attempt to cover up that they only wanted me gone.

Really,

So I blew the CM deadline, I’ve BEEN blowing my MDW deadline, so much so that I can’t remember the last article I posted here. It may have been last week, it may have been last month. I really can’t remember, and NO I’m not looking. So I’m blowing deadlines all over the place.

If not for a fluke I almost (and may still) blow a huge deal, and that’s in spite of meeting the dates for my deliverables…but I didn’t.

Valentine’s Day I sent my stuff and waited. I assumed the high-powered and ridiculously popular star I was dealing with was like many other high-powered, ridiculously popular stars I have dealt with over the years. They move when they want to move.

He and his team aren’t like others. They respond quickly. I received an email asking what the fuck was up with my end — where the fuck WAS my end?

Turns out as far as perfect storms go, my end was sent to cyber hell.

For maybe the first time in 20 years, I didn’t think to follow up.

But all is not lost — I’ll just send resend the package, but oh my goodness I can’t resend the package. I’m out of my office and for some FUCKING reason my iPad will not send this particular document because it’s on my Freeservers email server. Many times Tatiana has told me to get my shit off that bullshit-fucking site, but I have yet to do so.

Yes, I is an idiot.

But wait, there’s more…

I missed a flight I forgot I was booked on (for a trip I wish I didn’t have to take), my wood floors are FUCKED from the water, in the master bedroom the carpet in my walk in closet smells LIKE SHIT, making all my clothes in that closet SMELL LIKE SHIT!!

Why, you wonder, the fuck did I keep carpet in the closets but have wood floors installed everywhere else?

WHY the fuck PAY for flooring in your closet?  Well, I now have the answer to that, don’t I?

Did I mention I have a horribly bad cold that’s probably the Asian Bird Swine Kill Negros flu?

Today I have two HUGE conference calls, one with Hidden Beach, the other with the head of the star’s company. I figured I’d clean up any problems, then give Mike Gold a call and explain Tuesday. Make another call to State Farm follow up on my claim.

Make another call to that company that I see all the time on TV to come clean up my water damage. You know that company- the one with the GI Joe looking animated spots and the tagline “like it never happened.”

After a full day of calls and results, I’d be back in the saddle again.

Except, and this is not a joke, I’m NOT kidding, I swear this is happening: I’ve lost my voice.

I’m in Hell.

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Comments

  1. Don McGregor
    March 7, 2014 - 5:09 pm

    Michael,
    I hate when one domino falls,
    crashes into the next,
    and the next,
    and suddenly you don’t know where it
    is going to end.
    It really saddens me to read all of this,
    but especially the personal heart-breaking
    part.
    There’s probably not a damn thing I can do to help, but if there is something, just let me know. I did write to Andy to extend the Sabre Art for the Milestone Exhibit at the Geppi Museum and let him know, anything you need, if I can help it happen, I will.
    Take care, Michael.
    Don

  2. Martha Thomases
    March 8, 2014 - 5:39 am

    Damn. Whe. It rains, it pours. Wait, that might not be the most sympathetic, appropriate response.

    My winter also sucks ass. So it is for many I know.

    Spring is coming, sweetie. Better days.

  3. Whitney
    March 13, 2014 - 9:58 pm

    I keep typing and erasing because nothing seems adequate that I write. So I’ll just write.

    I’m sorry, Dear.

Comments are closed.