Deep Thoughts From The Edge by Michael Davis: Straight No Chaser #94
November 29, 2008 Michael Davis 27 Comments
I missed my Friday deadline due to a massive migraine, which has been building for a few days. I’m truly sorry for disappointing the zillion of you whose only joy in life is their Friday dose of S no C.
I had another topic all ready to go but laying in a dark room prying for death because of my migraine pain causes one to reflect on ones life. So in an attempt to be one with the universe I am going to write something profound and deep…
What is up with people who have sex with hamsters?
For that matter what is up with people who have sex with any animal? Also while I’m thinking deep thoughts, I’ve noticed more than one report on TV that Obama is no longer ‘black’ he is now ‘half white.’ Why do people assume that their God is ‘the’ God? What is the fascination with Paris Hilton? I consider all these things a bit freaky.
Let me try and tackle these one by one, but before I do I should disclose some things, I’m a little freaky also. How so?
Well to start, I’m a grown man and I collect Barbie dolls. Yeah, I like Barbie and I’m not ashamed. I don’t collect just any old Barbie, I collect Barbie’s that are special collectibles, like Barbie as Dorothy from The Wizard of OZ or Star Trek Barbie or Southern Bell Barbie (who sits on a mantle flanked by two black G.I. Joes with their shirts off) or Bob Mackie’s Barbie. I have a pretty large collection of Barbie, I don’t have as many as I do Caption Action or Best Of The West action figures but I have quite a few Barbie dolls.
Yes, this is a bit freaky for some to take and I assure you my Barbie collection started innocently enough…my sister was a big Barbie fan so when she died I brought one to place next to my G.I. Joe collection to remind me of her and the times I and my Joes would make midnight raids into my sister’s room to have our way with the Barbie’s and Skipper’s who were in her toy box.
Wait a sec-just so you don’t get the wrong idea the Joes would have their way…I would just watch.
Now this is a strange thing for a six foot two inch 200 plus pound black man to collect but it’s not so strange that you will ever see me on the news…
The police raided the home of Michael Davis today. On a tip, they found dozens of Barbie dolls in various states of undress. Davis was heard yelling-‘That’s Rubber Cement’ when a reporter asked what that sticky substance was that covered a great many of the dolls. “Those damn shoes just won’t stay on!” Davis continued as the police led him away…
I’m pretty sure some people will talk about me because of my collection but I’m damn sure that it’s still considered normal…not like sticking a hamster up your butt. Yep, I’ve been collecting Barbie for some time now and never have I ever stuck one up my ass.
Look, I have said many times I’m a live and let live sort of guy. Do whatever the fudge (I said fudge while talking about shoving a hamster up booty. Fudge, booty, tee hee) you want but do not include children or animals. I’m even willing to make an amendment when it comes to animals-if you get written consent from an adult hamster then by all means shove away but both parties have to be with it.
Both parties. You and your rodent love slave.
Now you will have to teach the hamster to read and write, oh and he or she must learn to speak so that they will be able to articulate any health concerns or testify in court.
So if you can teach a hamster to read, write and speak and he or she consents to you placing it in your anus then you have earned the right to do so. Don’t forget it must be an adult!
I was in a supermarket a few days ago and I overheard a woman say that she did not vote for Obama but was willing to give him a chance because…” after all he was ‘half white.”
True. What did I do? Nothing, she was 80 or so years old and clearly thinking like one from another era. I was not going to do anything to add to her prejudices against black people.
Ok, OK, I did snatch her purse on the way out of the store, but I as I did I shouted “Palin in 2012!” So as not to fit the stereotype.
Over the last few weeks I have heard at least 2 news reports talking about his up bringing and how he was not really black, or he was considered by some black people to not be black enough.
What is that? I get that to. I have had more than one person tell me I was not really black. That may be the most racist thing ever said to me. Most of the people who say that to me are well meaning white people who have no idea that they are being a bit rude. I’m black, just hang out with me in New York and try and watch me catch a cab. The reason I get the ‘You not black’ comment is most likely because I like bagels and lox, Elton John, Billy Joel and I enjoy the occasional karaoke night. I say ‘dude’ instead of ‘man’ and I love Asian women. What, should I wear my pants around my ankles and walk with a swagger?
Does the fact that I like certain things that white people enjoy make me less black? Does singing an Elton John song at karaoke make me less black? Yeah, maybe…just a bit. I mean NO!! I’m black but I’m also an individual who digs different things.
I believe in God. Jesus and his dad to be exact. However I acknowledge that there are other people out there who believe in something else. That’s cool. You know you may be right and I may be wrong, who’s to tell? However if you pick up a weapon and start killing people because they don’t believe in what you do then I hope that your God is a myth. That would surly fuck you up. I would find that just grand. Imagine you cause all this death and destruction on earth then you die and the God you worshiped does not exist and instead you get to the gates of whatever and you are met by the God of the people who were your enemies on earth and he’s PISSED. That would be a hoot!
Lastly, in my deep thoughts is this, what is the fascination with Paris Hilton?
I have NO idea but after watching her cry like a little bitch when she was arrested and seeing her sex tape I’m even more convinced that if America is still interested in this woman we are indeed living in the last days of the Apocalypse.
Alan Coil
November 29, 2008 - 9:53 am
“…laying in a dark room praying for death because of my migraine pain…”
Been there. It hurts so much you just don’t care if you live.
Any blow to the head, no matter how minor, could bring on a migraine. Sleeping with my head jammed against the headboard. Eating some foods–barbeque potato chips are my favorite snack, but they often cause a migraine.
But I haven’t had a migraine since I went on medicine for high blood pressure back in January. Coincidence or not, please make sure your blood pressure is okay.
“For that matter what is up with people who have sex with any animal?”
I agree. Todd Palin should never have sired all those progeny.
Alan Coil
November 29, 2008 - 9:54 am
Oh, and by the way, I resent having to ‘submit’ in order to post a message. 🙂
Jim
November 29, 2008 - 11:05 am
I never realized how much like my dad you are. Wow. Karaoke, Elton John, Billy Joel, loves bagels and lox…wow. Well, granted, lots of people like bagels, but karaoke!?
And, when I was little and left my action figures around the house, I’d always find them standing upright and in action poses, like someone quietly came and played with them while I was gone…I think my dad is a closet action-figure enthusiast.
M.O.T.U
November 29, 2008 - 4:51 pm
Alan,
I’m not a fan of the ‘submit’ button either. I wanted the button to say ‘hump me’ but the tech people could not figure out how to do that. You may have a point about my blood pressure the next time I stop avoiding the doctor I will check that out. Thanks.
M.O.T.U
November 29, 2008 - 4:52 pm
Jim,
Yeah I’m a Karaoke whore. BTW-your dad sounds VERY cool.
Jim
November 29, 2008 - 9:54 pm
Yeah, he’s a pretty dang cool guy. I’ve kinda become him, only less white and a little taller. Like a sort of clone, only better. That’s the beauty of having children: you get to watch your kids:
a.) Make all the same mistakes and become exactly the same as you, and blame you for it, or
b.) Make different mistakes, end up better or worse, and blame you for it.
Reg Gabriel
November 29, 2008 - 10:00 pm
Ummm… Hamsters, ‘rubber cement’ covered Barbies, and Paris Hilton??
Ewww. Here’s hoping that you don’t experience any more migraines for a looooong time, MD.
But as far as the President-Elect and his ‘Blackness’ is concerned…he and I share the same status….we ain’t Black….we’s Caramel!
>>I believe in God. Jesus and his dad to be exact. However I acknowledge that there are other people out there who believe in something else.
Marc Fishman
November 30, 2008 - 5:17 pm
Thanks for the apology, my Friday WAS pretty much shot when I realized I’d get no bloggy goodness from you Mr. Davis. But… some deep breaths, and a rereading of Brian Azzerelo’s JOKER book did me some good.
Hope you had a good Thanksgiving. My father suffered from painful migrains several months before he met my mother. He called it a “warning sign”. Hope that puts a smile on your face. Have a good week!
M.O.T.U
November 30, 2008 - 7:53 pm
‘My father suffered from painful migrains several months before he met my mother. He called it a “warning sign”.
THAT was funny. Hopefully-you and I should talk in about a week and a half about some stuff.
Shane Kelly
December 1, 2008 - 11:19 am
Woah, woah, woah…There is nothing wrong with certain “types” of Barbie doll collecting. If someone thinks that they are dead wrong.
I myself have 2 Sinatra dolls that the Babrbie people released, some time ago. One of them even came with a Barbie in the set, which makes me wonder what happens inside of that box when the lights go out. Sinatra and Barbie…In a box…No one else around…Yeah, I have these types of thoughts at times.
Since I didn’t get to do it ahead of time, here is my “Happy Thanksgiving” Mike. I hope it was a good one.
Russ Rogers
December 1, 2008 - 1:22 pm
Michael, Do you have the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater Barbie? Do you have the Catwoman and Batman Barbie set? (Actually, Kelly is Catwoman and Tommy is Batman. Who are they? Kelly is a dark haired Skipper. But who is Tommy?)
They’re on clearance at my local Target, so I could get ’em for you cheap! Or you could put them on your Christmas Wish List and see if Santa puts them in your stocking. Rock on, Russ
Miles Vorkosigan
December 2, 2008 - 7:59 am
Okay, Mike, for starters, skin color should not matter. Never.
Are you an Arcturan? Do you bleed blue-green? No? Then you’re human. Screw color. You’re as Earthborn as I am, and there are times, quite often, when I really don’t want to claim membership in humanity. People disgust me when they sit back for twelve hours and chat with a depressed kid who’s about to kill himself online. Or when a greeter at a store gets trampled by shoppers who keep walking over him to get into the store. I don’t want to be part of a club like that.
But for every incident like that, there are moments of transcendent beauty. Obama beating the odds, sticking to his principles and winning the presidency. I wept. Beau Boeckmann, Larry Watson and a crew of master hotrodders finding a unique Ed Roth show car and restoring it to its former glory. Life is about moments like that.
Sorry, no coffee. Not tracking well.
On another note, I have long wanted to find a Talking Barbie, dress her in leathers and a whacked-off t-shirt, and reprogram her to talk trash. Biker Slut Barbie.
MIles
Mike Gold
December 2, 2008 - 12:18 pm
Miles, why are the choices only between Arcturan and human? There’s a whole universe out there.
But there was only one Big Daddy Ed Roth. A lot of people try, but he was the only one. He justified California’s existence.
M.O.T.U
December 2, 2008 - 2:16 pm
Russ,
GET THEM!! Just let me know what I owe you and send your address to:
motu@michaeldavisworld.com
That is so cool!!
M.O.T.U
December 2, 2008 - 3:05 pm
Miles,
I like your post for two reasons the first is because you have a unique voice and the second reason is because it allows me to make something clear with regards to race. I AM prejudiced but it has nothing to do with race-I just HATE ignorance. That said, I think that race does matter for one reason. Allow me to give what I’m sure will be a long winded example.
I’m a Black man who is a member of the NRA and also a strong liberal democrat. I was married to a non-black woman and enjoy more jewish food than traditional black (soul) food.
I have NO interest in sports (unless there is a NY team in the playoffs) and I clearly am not a joiner. My point? Miles, my point is race matters because when you think of all the things I’m about which don’t point to being black you can see that in this instance I am an individual who SHOULD NOT BE JUDGED BY RACE-but rater on how I treat people.
Race matters to me because by example I would like to show how more alike we are than different. Race matters because white boys have just as much right to hip-hop music as I have. Race matters because 99% of mixed race kids are fucking stunning, just absolutely beautiful. There is a STONG message there.
I’m proud to be a black man but I’m even prouder to be an individual and think that as soon as people look at me and see a black man who IS an individual who just MIGHT be a little like them, I think that is when we truly do away with racism.
I told you this was going to be long winded.
Miles Vorkosigan
December 2, 2008 - 5:23 pm
Mike, I know there are other races in the local area, but the Arkies are all I could think of at the moment. Besides, if I remember my alien physiology, the Cetaurans, Sirians and Reticulans all have iron-based blood chemistry. The Arcturans are copper-based.
Of course, I could tell you that I just yanked that outta my ass to make a point…
I agree with you about Ed. He’s pretty much the patron saint of California as far as I’m concerned.
The car in question is the Orbitron, one of the very few that Ed did that didn’t have an exposed engine. Ed sold it to Darryl Starbird, who sold it to another guy, who gave it to his lawyer as partial payment, who let his kid tear it up. Somehow it got sold to a carnival owner in Juarez who parked it outside the El Vaquero sex shop, where it sat for twenty years.
Two years ago Mike Lightbourn found it and convinced theowner to sell it to him. He trailered it back to LA, where Beau Boeckmann, who already has several of Ed’s cars, bought it. He hired Jimmy C, Dave Shuten, Larry Watson and Mark Moriarty to help him restore the old girl. Go to ratfink.org and you’ll see pictures.
Preserving a work of art is an act worthy of sainthood. Finding Orbitron where they did was like finding the Pieta in an Argentine bathhouse with towels draped all over her. Bringing her back and repairing her, getting her running… that was beautiful. All because these guys loved Ed and his work.
The only one of them who outshines the rest is Shuten. He duplicated the Mysterion, full size and driveable. Tell me that’s anything other than an act of love and devotion.
Miles
Rick
December 2, 2008 - 5:23 pm
Michael.
The Captain Action addiction thing caught me by surprise.
But the Barbie thing throws me.
We we separated at birth?
You need to see my lesbian Barbies.
Miles Vorkosigan
December 2, 2008 - 5:47 pm
MOTU,
There is an elderly white man that I love like a brother. He lives in Chicago, and is married to a lovely black woman who take care of him as totally as possible. He’s on a feeding tube, as cancer has claimed his lower jaw and vocal cords. This hasn’t stopped this loquacious old fart from comunicating with the world. He’s got a laptop and fingers, and blogs like a man possessed. He hates ignorance as badly as you do. Ditto.
Color has never made a damn bit of difference to me. When I was eight, a young preacher from Georgia came into the building where my mother worked to talk with his lawyers. I met him. He was a good and gentle man who treated me with kindness. In April of the next year, someone shot him from a nearby rooming house while he was standing on the balcony of his motel room. He had come to Memphis to help settle a strike.
I wept then, too. Over my fifty-one years I’ve done that a lot. Only for Martin I was so stunned that the tears wouldn’t come. The reasons for his murder were incomprehensible. All he wanted was for his people to have the same rights as the white folks they lived beside. What was wrong with that?
My racist relatives tried to marginalize it. He was just a dang nigger. We all better off without him, all he was doing was stirrin’ up trouble.
I think that was about the time I started to turn my back on my family. I didn’t want to be related to these fuckers. I wanted to be related to a man who had told me that people shouldn’t be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.
And those divides get smaller every day. All through this campaign, you hardly heard a word about Barack Obama being black. It doesn’t matter to me. I voted for a man who will be a change from politics as usual, who’ll try to restore faith in America both globally and locally. Who’ll get me working again.
And I could care less what color he is. He’s one of two guys I can name off the top of my head who are of mixed blood who are just as damn good-looking as it gets. The other one is a half-black/half-Samoan kid that I met in the early Eighties when he was getting going in the professional sports biz, name of Dwayne.
As to beautiful. Dude, the one girl I really regret never getting something going with was an eye-hurtingly gorgeous cheerleader at my high school. Valerie. Slim, sweet, lovely. Black. My heart hurt whenever I looked at her.
Color is subject a corrolary of Paige’s Law. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.
See? I can rattle on, too.
My wife wants the computer back. I’m gonna go watch NCIS, with the delicious Israeli babe and the Goth kitten labrat.
Miles
M.O.T.U
December 2, 2008 - 8:37 pm
Miles,
Man I love the way you write (in a non brokeback way) . I will impart to you what my mother would say to me any time she was wrong about anything.
‘You’re right but I’m right too!’
I’m not saying you are wrong but anytime I get to throw in a ‘mom quote’ I’m doing it. I see your point and welcome your point of view. I have to go-I have new Hamster porn.
Miles Vorkosigan
December 2, 2008 - 8:56 pm
And that’s the joy of democracy, Master. We can have opposing viewpoints that are equally valid. Discourse and Dialogue are the foundations of philosophy, and always will be. Which reminds me, I need to dig out my Socrates at some point…
You got your hamster porn, I got my NCIS and Fringe fixes tonight. Geekjoy. Abby in a spiked dog collar, major computer geekery, and Tracy Scoggins all in the same episode. Plus Ziva does air guitar! And Fringe was even better than usual tonight. Phasing through walls to rob bank vaults, radioactive bank robbers, a guy stuck in a wall, and matter transmission. Fringe is outdoing X-Files six ways from Sunday.
All I need now is a paying job I can do from home.
Miles
Miles Vorkosigan
December 2, 2008 - 9:17 pm
“The reason I get the ‘You not black’ comment is most likely because I like bagels and lox, Elton John, Billy Joel and I enjoy the occasional karaoke night. I say ‘dude’ instead of ‘man’ and I love Asian women. What, should I wear my pants around my ankles and walk with a swagger?”
I love a bagel with a schmear of cream cheese, but never developed a taste for lox. Elton and Billy are too commercial for me, but I have such an eclectic taste in music that it’s almost impossible to describe. My Music folder on the secondary contains AC/DC, Art Blakey, Be Bop Deluxe, Blue Oyster Cult, Bobby Bare, The Four Tops, Gordon Lightfoot, Jethro Tull, Hawkwind, The Kinks, The Monkees, Moody Blues, Shel Silverstein, Steeleye Span, Dave Swarbrick, Scissor Sisters, Vangelis and Warren Zevon. I pretty much cover the waterfront. I’m not your garden variety Tennessee honky, in spite of having a love of real country now that I’m hitting my dotage. I can’t sing for shit, which is why I avoid karaoke. But apparently I’m funny, because my former neighbor and an online friend are both trying to talk me into committing comedy.
The pants-around-the-ass thing would get a lot less cute if the boyz in da hood knew what that was derived from. It was a signal among gay jail inmates thay they were in the market for sex. Possibly an urban legend, but it’s the story I heard, and it makes sense.
And I’ve always loved Asian women. And Hispanic women. And women in general, strong ones preferred. Which is what I married, a strong woman who wouldn’t let me push her away. Don’t think I didn’t try. Still do. She gives me the visual and verbal equivalent of a smack upside the head, which jars me back to my senses.
Miles
VinnyC
December 2, 2008 - 10:54 pm
BEST. COMMENTS. PAGE. EVER.
Russ Rogers
December 3, 2008 - 8:21 am
I try not to let it affect my opinion, but for me color does matter.
I really prefer my comics in color. Take Jeff Smith’s “Bone” for example. (And no, I don’t mean that in the “brokeback” way.) I like the Colorized version, the reprints from Scholastic Books, better than the original black and white. I liked the colored collections of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles better than the original black and white.
I prefer the color episodes of Bewitched over the the black and white ones, even though Dick York remains THE definitive “Darrin.”
OK, I generally HATE colorized movies. But that’s more a hatred of the process. If they could find a way to keep the teeth from being flesh colored, and increase the color palette to something beyond pales blues and pinks maybe I’d change my mind.
Alright, I will make an exception. You would have to be an oxymoron to colorize a film noir movie! While your at it, colorize the opening scenes of MGM’s “The Wizard of Oz!” There’s no reason for Kansas to look dingy and drab in comparison to the Magical Land of OZ. How do you think that makes Kansas natives feel? Like they live on a flat and dull landscape, the moon with truck stops.
M.O.T.U
December 3, 2008 - 10:15 am
VinnyC,
THANK. YOU. TELL. YOUR. FRIENDS…and any Asian girls.
Miles Vorkosigan
December 3, 2008 - 11:22 am
“OK, I generally HATE colorized movies. But that’s more a hatred of the process. If they could find a way to keep the teeth from being flesh colored, and increase the color palette to something beyond pales blues and pinks maybe I’d change my mind.”
John Huston would kiss you then smack the hell outta you for such a foolish statement. Black & white films were made that way for a reason. I had little to do with money. Three-strip Technicolor has been around since the Twenties. The technology was prohibitively expensive at first, but it did get used. Colorizing is a technical aberration that should not ever be applied again. I own a videotape copy of “The Thing” that has been colorized, and when I take a notion to watch it, I kill the color.
“Alright, I will make an exception. You would have to be a moron to colorize a film noir movie! While you’re at it, colorize the opening scenes of MGM’s “The Wizard of Oz!” There’s no reason for Kansas to look dingy and drab in comparison to the Magical Land of OZ. How do you think that makes Kansas natives feel? Like they live on a flat and dull landscape, the moon with truck stops. ”
I’ve been to Kansas. I have family that lives in Wichita. By and large, the state is lunar landscape with truck stops. It’s flat, rolling plains, all fields and pastures. You want real desolation, try Amarillo, Texas. I haven’t been there in decades, but at the time, the name fit; flat, ugly and yellow.
The idea in Wizard was to show the contrast between Kansas and Oz, which that sequence did to marvelous effect. The same trick has been used in The Matrix movies, in Russian sf, and, in a variation, the opening of “The Incredibles”, where it starts with the small screen documentary then jumps out at you. The opening for the original Superman blew me back in my chair the same way.
Miles
M.O.T.U
December 3, 2008 - 5:27 pm
Rick wrote:
“The Captain Action addiction thing caught me by surprise.
But the Barbie thing throws me.
We we separated at birth?
You need to see my lesbian Barbies.”
Rick, I would LOVE to see your lesbian Barbies-Tell me my friend, are any of these Asian lesbian Barbies??
Rick
December 8, 2008 - 5:55 pm
Nope.
Got a blond standard and an african american.
Adopted an african american boy.