7 Habits of Highly Procrastinating People by Q. Reyes – Artistic Warfare #2

December 21, 2008 Q. Reyes 10 Comments

Here are a few tips to help you procrastinate a lot more, in a more effective way:

1) THINK YOU’RE SPECIAL – Thinking you’re special will help you procrastinate more effectively.  You will continue living through life waiting for your great skills and talents to be “discovered” by the world.  By thinking you’re special you will do less work, because your “specialness” will help you find ways to do things easier, faster, more effectively, if you ever chose to do those things in the first place.

2) TELL EVERYONE YOUR PLANS – Telling everyone your plans will take away the guilt of not actually doing them.  By telling everyone your plans, people assume you’re a genius because you can come up with grandiose plans to do amazingly extraordinary things that could possibly change the world! You can continue to see yourself as “successful,” all because you have big plans!

3) NEVER FINISH ANYTHING – Finishing something only means that you’ll have to do something else.  The best way to never finish anything is by starting to do everything.  They say it’s not the destination that is important, but it’s the journey that matters.  So take those words to heart, and embark on numerous journeys, and never, ever finish any of them.  Oh, and make sure you tell people about the “new” journey, every time.

4) BLAME EVERYTHING ON EVERYONE ELSE – It’s not your fault that you are a procrastinating loser.  The world is against you!  People don’t help you.  You don’t have the money or resources.  You don’t have time.  You have to take care of other things.  Successful people don’t have the problems you have.  Your life is miserable.  You’ll be successful, but you have to get some things taken care of first.  Also, blaming someone or something is a great way to stop a new project and take on another one.

5) BE A VICTIM – Being a victim is one of the best reasons to procrastinate more effectively.  Don’t be successful because you work hard for something.  Instead, be the victim of something tragic and look for people to give you pity.  If people pity you, then they can’t demand and expect things from you, giving you more room to procrastinate.  Tell everyone how things are just not going your way; people will agree with you, and now when you start to something new, everyone feels sorry for you.  Remember, it’s not your fault you procrastinate.  You’re a victim!

6) DO IT WHEN THE TIME’S RIGHT – Don’t do it right now!  Wait until it feels right, or when you have more time, or when you’re not tired, or when you have more money, or when you’re not hungry, or after you make your coffee, or after the TV show, or after it stops raining, or even better, do it Monday, so that you can start off the week right!  Besides, if you’re not in the mood to do it, don’t do it.  Wait until you’re in the mood.  Procrastinate until you feel better.

7) GET ADDICTED – One of the fail-proof ways to procrastinate better is to get addicted to something.  Do drugs, or become an alcoholic.  Even better and safer, watch unlimited amounts of pornography.  Yes!  You can search for hours at a time for porn videos on the internet, and after that, then you can start doing what you need to do.    Why do it now?  Go and get stimulated by some porn first, so that it can help you become more focus on what really matters! After watching porn, you can start that new project, but not before making a sandwich and taking a nap.  Then, you’ll have to watch more porn to wake up, and make yourself another sandwich.  This is truly the most fun way to procrastinate!

Hope these tips help you procrastinate even more, but in reality, true procrastinators did not finish reading all seven.  Great job!

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Q. Reyes is a professional procrastinator and is very surprised he even finished this article.  Q. enjoys long walks on the beach, horseback riding, and fantasizing about rich powerful white women such as Hilary Clinton, Caroline Kennedy, and Oprah.  Q. is also a creator of the Ceasar and Chuy program on LATV.