Citigroup: Pop Art… and Chris #2

December 9, 2008 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 6 Comments

Dear Art and Chris,
These are tough economic times and it seems that everywhere I look businesses are failing.  My company is hanging on to the edge and we’re turning to the government for help.  How can we redeem ourselves in the eyes of the taxpayer?  How can we be a better business?
-Vikram Pandit, CEO Citigroup

Dear Citigroup,
When we received this e-mail we were convinced it was a prank.  It’s like asking us “I just found several kilos of uncut cocaine, where can I deliver them to the proper authorities?” You’ve lucked into an amazing bit of fortune and are asking for a way out?  This isn’t about saving your image; the people who are going to hate you for this are going to hate you.  What you want is advice on how to work this for all it’s worth, that we can help you with.

You should start by investing in green power, and by that I mean figuring out a way to run your private jets on investor money. Don’t worry, the government will shoulder at least 90% of the burden.  For confident men of your caliber that may seem a little tame, see if you can petition local government to give your banks special dispensation as casinos, then put blackjack tables in your branches; it’s an easy sell, it’s a better return than investing in the stock market these days.  While you’re at it, lobby for the FDIC to increase its protection on private investments to something like $250,000.  Then, empty out all accounts with under $250,000 into untraceable Swiss Banking accounts.  Finish up by blaming the loss on some vague investment strategy gone horribly wrong, and watch as we still rush in to save your corrupt asses.

The main problem is that this image you’ve cultivated as an untouchable criminal organization is decidedly gangster, you’re going to have to figure out a way to use that.  I recommend exploiting this with an advertising campaign targeted to people who identify with this image, put one or two in urban areas to establish credibility then blanket the suburbs, works for 50 Cent right?  You’ll also need a new mascot for this.  You need a hustler banker, a modern day Uncle Pennybags.  Use a name like Crunkle Paypah-Staxxx, have Jaime Hector play him in the ads.  You’ve even announced that you won’t be pulling out of your deal to buy the naming rights to the new ballpark for the New York Mets.  That’s unreal, no other gangster has ever accomplished that.  The White Sox don’t play in Capone Park

Over the past seven years you’ve invested over $350 billion in paper so worthless it makes junk bonds look like Golden Geese eggs.  Yes, we realize at the time there were other ways of making money, there just weren’t any others as easy.  However, consider this, you were using actual money, to purchase mortgages made by people that could not afford to pay.  This isn’t new though there have always been people saying they could turn something worthless into something valuable, in the middle ages we called them alchemists.  Now we make fun of them.  You’re Citibank, you don’t need magic, you need to act like you’re the largest most important bank in the world, and treat your customers and investments with the dignity and respect that should be commensurate with your position in the world.  Next time a financial crisis hits, and there will be a next time, Citigroup should be the doting elder, shaking its head in disbelief at the mistakes of youthful inexperience other trillion dollar corporations just made.