A Jehovah Witness Christmas by Michael Davis: Straight No Chaser #96

December 12, 2008 Michael Davis 22 Comments

First, I want to remind everyone that I was about to go big bad Negro on a major appliance company who had done me wrong. Well I’m glad to say I don’t have to. The company sent me the check I was waiting for after I sent them a letter telling them that they were about to suffer the wrath of the great and all powerful MOTU!

Please check out S no C # 95, the whole story is there and what a story it is boys and girls. It’s a story of a large massive company against who they thought was the little guy. Unbeknown (man I LOVE that word!) to them they were up against the MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE!
Unlike most people in victory, I AM one to gloat. Let that be a lesson to all corporate con man that try and get over on the little guy, compared to MOTU Ralph Nader is a little bitch.
You may go now…

Yeah, I am one to gloat, reveling in my triumph to such a point that I get sick of me. But I won’t be to hard on the fools who tried to get over on a man who will sick a lawyer on his own wife. The lawyer’s wife, not mine. Yeah-I would hire a woman’s husband to sue her. Yeah, that’s how I roll.
No, I will not continue my ‘How you like me now?’ assault. I’m felling pretty good these days! You know why??

It’s CHRISTMAS!!

As I have said many times in almost 100 rants over the last 2 years I LOVE Christmas.

LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!

I love Christmas more than any other day ever!! Why this love for the tidings of this season?

Well the short answer is when I was a kid no matter how poor we were (how poor were we? We were so poor that slavery was considered a step up. RIM SHOT! I’m here all week, try the chicken!) my mother would always give my sister and I the BEST Christmas ever. To this day I still tear up (in a manly way) when I think about some of those Christmas’s. I don’t have any kids (that I know of. RIM SHOT! )

I do have a young lady in my life that I was (am) a guardian to. I love her very much but she’s much more like a little sister than a daughter. I’m more like the cool big brother than the dad. I may have kids one day. Yeah, right. Sure I will, and there may be a Black President one day!

Look, I know what you are thinking; Davis you’re an idiot!

No, no I’m not. He’s not President yet. And I put NOTHING pass the GOP. For all we know there will be a bogus tape of Obama being heard on those wire taps of the Illinois’ Governor. BTW-the two stupidest men on the planet right now must be the Illinois Governor and OJ. Who knows, maybe they will become prison pen pals?

OJ wrote a book called; If I did it, about the murders of his ex-wife and her friend. Well I can see the book OJ’s cellmate may write it will be called; How I did him. Trust me it won’t be about murder.

Anyhow, I don’t put anything pass the powers that be when it comes to Obama taking the oath of office on Jan.20th I can just hear the doctored tape now:

Governor Of Illinois: Do you think we can score some hookers and pay for it with money from the Big Three Automotive Bail out?

Obama: Yes we can.

Governor Of Illinois: Can I sell your Senate seat to the highest bidder? Who do you think would make a good appointment and be easy to control?

Obama: Joe The Plumber.

Governor Of Illinois: Can we play basketball later…?

Obama: Yes we can.

Governor Of Illinois: …and get some white women?

Obama: Yes we can.

Unidentified voice: So nobody will know that we added Obama to the tape right?

Unidentified voice 2: Hell no. I mean come on John; we are not stupid enough to be caught on tape.

Unidentified voice: You’re right Sarah. Make sure you rewind it so that we are not heard.

Unidentified voice 2: No, it’s not on. That green light and the tape going around and around means it’s stopped.

Wow, I am SO on the Peter David; But I digress, train.

Sorry, I was talking about how much I love Christmas and to that end, have you ever heard The Jackson Five Christmas Album?

If not the whole album you have certainly heard some songs from the album. In my humble opinion this is one of the greatest Christmas albums ever it’s right up there with The John Denver and The Muppets Christmas album.

Yeah, I like The John Denver and The Muppets Christmas album. That album is badass. You have not lived until you hear Denver and Miss. Piggy belt out a song together! This may be the greatest team up since The Avengers and The Justice League. Like I said I think The Jackson Five Christmas Album is one of the greatest ever. What I when I was still a kid about the Album is this; The Jackson Five were hardcore Jehovah’s Witnesses.

As I’m sure you know, Jehovah’s Witnesses do NOT celebrate Christmas.
Man, there are so many places I could go with that above statement. There is a rant there for every member of the Jackson Five. But you know what?

It’s Christmas so there will be no rant from me today.

Here’s where I’m at with this whole artist thing, I cannot STAND Elton John as a person, but man does he make great music. One of the very first albums I brought with my own money was Captain Fantastic And The Brown Dirt Cowboy. One of my ALL TIME favorite songs is; Someone saved my life tonight from that album.
So yes I believe you can separate the artist from his art in some cases, especially at Christmas.

Some asshole (you knew I would get that word in there sometime) told me when I was a kid that The Jackson Five Christmas Album was crap because they did not believe in Christmas. What I felt when told this was not shock or anger, which I’m sure, was the point of the asshole that told me this. What did I feel?

I felt sad.

I felt sad that The Jackson Five had to sing about the most wonderful time of the year but could not enjoy it. Imagine being a kid at Christmas and everywhere you look there is a reminder of the season and you have to sing about it but cannot participate. Man that’s sad.
Well, Michael, Tito, Jackie, Jermaine and Marlon. I still love that album and wherever you guys are during this season of love I send some love and good cheer to you.

Lastly, to any witness who may be reading this, at one point in my life when I was searching for meaning, I was a nano moment away from becoming a witness. The entire side of my step dad’s family are witnesses. I’m with a lot of what you believe but also have some issues with some of those beliefs. That’s a column for another day but rest assured I have nothing but respect for those who walk in that direction it’s just not for me.

However…kick in Dec 25th and maybe we can talk again.