That’s What Friends Are For, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #100

January 9, 2009 Michael Davis 26 Comments

I’m not stupid.

Well I’ve been lucky enough not to be stupid to much in my life, in fact I’m pretty damn smart. Don’t take my word for it, just take a look at the people who like me. Forget the celebrities who are my friends and there are a few- I’m talking about just regular folk who are cool as shit who really like me.

There are my boys the Mikes. Mike Stradford, Mike Grell, Mike Gold, Mike Raub, Mike Baron.  All the Mikes are mad cool. Then there are my girls, Jean who is sweet as candy. Amber who is such a deep thinker. Jasmine who makes me crazy.  Martha one of the few people who can make me  (apple sauce) laugh, Adrienne who can drink me under the table. My cousin Nila who’s my buddy.

There’s my main man Lovern who really seems to know everything.  Marv Wolfman and Len Wein who are just wonderful friends.  Jim Chadwick my karaoke buddy- My new friend Tom who’s working with me on some books and of course Denys Cowan and Tatiana. I listed Tatiana last because her head is getting H U G E because of the success of her column. I know I’m forgetting some really cool people and I’m sorry but I’m HIGH on Theraflu so I better get to the rest of the piece before…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

3 hours later…

If you are lucky enough to know ANY of these people you know they are the cream of the crop when it comes to human beings. I love them all and except for Jasmine and Jean, I have never wanted to pimp slap any of these people.

No, that’s not fair, the reason I wanted to pimp slap Jean was not her fault so I take that back. Jasmine on the other hand…

Anywho, I know GOOD people. Even some of my Hollywood friends are just ‘salt of the earth’ type folk. Bill Duke (EVERYBODY GO SEE BILL’S NEW MOVIE ‘NOT EASILY BROKEN’ IT OPENS TODAY!) –is simply a wonderful, wonderful human being. You would think a badass director like Bill would be a dick, but nope, he’s a great guy. Wayne Brady is as cool as you think he is and Malcolm Jamal Warner is really cool also. If you ever meet Malcolm yell, “ Theo, What’s up!” he loves that.

Giselle Fernandez who makes me drool (and she’s not even Asian), Ehrich van Lowe (goggle) is mad coolio also. I could go on but I just took another dose of Theafl..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

2 hours later.

So, why am I talking about all the cool people I know? Because everybody I have mentioned and even those I have not would tell me the truth if I were going to do something stupid.

It makes you wonder about the friends of Ann Coulter and this other stupid cow Khalood Bojanowski from the show Momma’s Boys.

I get Ann Coulter the conservative commentator; she is simply riding the wave of stupidity, which is the last gasp of the GOP. She says outrageous things to sell books.

Hell, I’m about to do the same thing with a book I’m writing. The difference between Coulter and me is I’m going to be writing about my perspective from a personal standpoint. I know that some of the things I will be writing about are just what I and I alone think. I recognize that not everyone thinks like me and if you don’t then so be it. I still respect you and your views. Ann Coulter writes as if the bullshit she spouts is the way the world should be and we are stupid if we don’t see that.

I’m sure she believes all of what she says but man oh man can you imagine what her friends think if she is like this all the time? What does it take to be a friend to someone who is just that stupid? In her new book she talks smack about Michelle Obama and consistently calls President elect Obama, ‘B. Hussein Obama’ in an obvious attempt to solidify in the minds of the many assholes the notion that Obama is a Muslim.

Well Ms. Coulter I’m aware of what you think, here’s what I think, the biggest compliment a man from the inner city can give a women is “I’d hit that.” I know that you and your friends don’t spend much time in the inner city (way to many people who don’t look like you there) so I will explain what that means.

I’d hit that, simply put means that someone would have sex with you.

No, it does not mean that some man wants to beat your ass because of your stupid views, although I can see how you would think that. I mean I can see a man wanting to shut you up by any means necessary so when you hear a phase like that I’m sure you cringe as anybody who deserves a good Sean Connery bitch slap would.

But no, I’d hit that means that I would have sex with you. That is indeed the biggest compliment a man could give a women in the hood.

Hey, look people I’m trying to make a point. Yes, I value women, yes there are better things to say to a woman but get over that! For the sake of this point I’m trying to make let’s assume that ‘I’d hit that’ IS the biggest compliment a man from the inner city can give a women. OK?

So Ann, now that you know what that means let me say this to you, if you were the last woman on earth and I was a sex maniac with an disease that could only be cured by having sex with the last woman on earth or a cow which had tested positive for Mad Cow Disease I would have to say…moo.

No, not because of your views and not because you are not Asian. It’s because you are ugly. I mean in my opinion you are simply not attractive. In fact you look a LOT like Edgar Winter. No, I’m sorry that sucks. I should not have said that. I need to apologize for that.

You have my sincere apologies, Mr. Winter.

Why is this relevant? You make it relevant by talking about the looks of our new BLACK FIRST LADY.  Hey, this is fun! Just like you I’m saying shit for no reason except to piss people off.  You know what? I just realized that even if (I CANNOT believe I’m going to say this) even if you were the most beautiful Asian woman in the world and you wanted to love me long time I would not ‘hit that.’

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Damn that hurt to say!!

So it must be your views that make you ugly. Nope, just took another look at our photo, you just plain ugly. So it must be your views AND your looks that make you ugly.

But mostly your views…your face…your views…your face.

DAMNIT!!

I can’t decide! OH well simply ‘ugly’ will have to do.

Man it must hurt like a BITCH to know that not only did America REJECT your GOP bullshit but it rejected it in an L A N D S L I D E !!!

How messed up is that Ann? If fact you were beat like a new punk in prison by a BLACK MAN!

HA! I said, HA!!!

What are your friends saying about that Ann?  Are you guys sitting around drinking mint juleps and talking about the ‘good ole days?’ Do you still have those friends Ann or did they go back to the plantation to wait out the next eight (yes EIGHT!) years.

Some time ago I mentioned this woman, Khalood Bojanowski from the show Momma’s Boys. I love that show. It’s so horrible it’s good. The show is about mothers who try and influence their son’s choice in a mate. Mrs. Bojanowski does not want her son JoJo to date any black women.  She has said that over and over on the show.

Who the fish is that stupid? Mrs. Bojanowski is that stupid. Sounds like Ann and Mrs. B. (that’s what they call her on the show) can be buds.

Mrs. B. your punk ass son could not pull ANY woman on that show if he was not on TV. NO woman in that house would look twice at your puny son if he were at a party or a bar. If I were you (THANK GOD I’M NOT) I would pray that your son does not hook up with a black woman because if that happens you can kiss your claim on your pussy son goodbye.

I don’t think you have to worry Mrs. B. Black women like men and your son does not quite fit that bill. Hey why don’t you give Ann a call? She’s looking for some sucker to follow her around like a little bitch and your son certainly fits that bill.

This is my 100th S No C! Damn. What do I do now? I’m horny. Shit, when I finish something important (like my 100th article ) I get a huge wood…it’s gone.

Just glanced at Ann’s photo…bye, bye Woody.