What White People Need To Know Now That There’s A Brother In The White House, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #101
January 16, 2009 Michael Davis 22 Comments
This time next week there will be a black President, there will be a black first family, and there will be a black first lady.
I know that there are a lot of white people out there who are concerned; well I’m going to address those concerns. Who is better to do that than the man who is writing the soon to be mega bestseller; Everything you wanted to know about black people but were afraid to ask.
That would be…me.
I picked a random white person from a coffee bar (white people LOVE coffee bars) and told them they could ask me anything they want about black people and I would answer them. After ordering yet another, vanilla, non fat, goat milk, cheese dip, soy ass, green tea, gerbil ball sac, latte, the white person (WP) and I sat down at a table to begin what I hope would be the start of better understanding between the races.
WP: Will I have to get some black friends now that there is a black President?
MOTU: Yep.
WP: What is the best way to get black people as friends?
MOTU: Depends on rater they are men, women or kids.
WP: What is the best way to get black men as friends?
MOTU: White women.
WP: What is the best way to get black women as friends?
MOTU: Introduce them to a black man…with a job.
WP: What is the best way for my kids to get black kids as friends?
MOTU: Crack.
WP: You’re…you’re kidding right?
MOTU: You got me! Crack is not the best way to get black kids as friends.
WP: (laughing) Wow you had me there for a moment.
MOTU: You need crack AND Air Jordan’s.
WP: (laughing) Wow you ARE funny.
MOTU: Wait a sec…how am I funny?
WP: What you said about black kids.
MOTU: (Black man stare) You think black kids are funny?
WP: What? No I meant…
MOTU: I know what you meant. I think we better move on.
WP: I think you’re right. That’s quite a hair trigger you got there.
MOTU: WHAT THE F…? Did you just call me a NIGG…
WP: NO!!! NNONONONONONONONONONONONONONONOONO!!! I said trigger!! T –R-I-G-G-E-R
MOTU: DON’T YOU THINK I CAN SPELL???
WP: I’m sure you can spell! Look let’s just calm down.
MOTU: For your information I WENT TO YALE!!
WP: I’m sure whatever happened it was a mistake…
MOTU: I SAID YALE!!! NOT JAIL!!!!
The rest of the meeting is a blur, all I remember is yelling, broken glass, a latte cup shoved somewhere (you don’t want to know) then the cops showing up.
Look, you will just have to read my book to get the insights I could not convey here. That said, I’m sure that Obama will do black people proud. Give him a chance white people. In the mean time get yourself some Negro friends…bring chicken.
Vinnie Bartilucci
January 16, 2009 - 6:32 am
Yes, white people will try to find black friends, the one they point to and say they are One Of Their Best Friends. But it will have the be the “right kind” of black person.
One of the most regularly hilarious and embarassing motifs in American culture is the the measurement of how black a person is. Not just the old paper shopping bag test, but by how well said person meets the standards (by which I of course I mean “Stereotypes”) of what both black and white people see as “black”
Obama has quickly gone from “black” to “Not that black” to “Not REALLY black” in just a few weeks in the eyes of people who quickly needed to rationalize the topsy(sorry)-turvy world they found themselves living in. Like The Rock, Mariah Carey and Tiger Woods, these are acceptable versions of black people that Middle America could accept in roles they could grasp. More of a Huxtable than an Evans.
It’s not all just white folks, of course. Condaleeza Rice hasn’t been black for years, nor has Justice Clarence Thomas. And Michael Jackson…okay, moving on… Until one actually came along, Bill “Mack Daddy” Clinton was whimsically hailed as the first black president.
Of course, you can become black again in a moment. Ask OJ.
Dick Gregory once did a bit about how in the past it was once the light-skinned person who had the advantage in the workplace. Now that affirmative action was in, the dark-skinned black person had the upper hand, because you wantred to make sure you could see them from across the room to easily prove they’re there. Once again, the search for the right kind of black folks will probably do more to confuse the color issue than it will improve it.
Martha Thomases
January 16, 2009 - 7:18 am
@Vinnie: The test for “Are you black enough” can be judged by New York City cab drivers.
Miles Vorkosigan
January 16, 2009 - 7:29 am
(Shaking head)
Michael, Michael, Michael…
Am I the only person who doesn’t give a shit that he’s black?
Barack is smart, likeable, and he surfs. He’s a young guy in great shape who golfs and SURFS. He’s not black, white or anything except HUMAN.
I know you’re cracking foxy here, so I’m gonna rein in my urge to get self-righteous and indignant, and tell you and everybody else that the color of his skin does NOT matter. All I’m doing is preaching to the choir, anyhow.
Maybe it’s just the way I was raised, but I’ve always agreed with Martin’s statement that you should judge someone on the content of their character. Barack has good character. I trust him, and have since the first time I saw him,
Now will you get serious here?
Miles
Christopher Toia
January 16, 2009 - 9:57 am
@Miles,
With all due respect the color of Barack Obama’s skin absolutely does matter. People that share President Obama’s skin pigmentation have in the past been enslaved, have constantly endured the threat of violence, and even now do not enjoy an equal opportunity for success in our country.
Despite this Barack Obama is now our President. This does not mark an end to racial prejudice, but it is certainly a great deal of progress.
I was in Las Vegas in a large conference hall when CNN announced Barack Obama had won. As the conference hall erupted into cheers, a nearby woman broke down into tears, she could barely stand. She had lived through the civil rights movement and never thought she would see this day, the day a black man could be elected to the most powerful office in the world.
I’m glad you were raised in a world apart from the realities of racial injustice. Many of us were not. I absolutely believe that apart from his skin color Barack Obama is the most qualified man in our country to be president. But he is black, and for many people that is a sign of incredible hope. And that is why the color of his skin absolutely does MATTER.
Marc Fishman
January 16, 2009 - 10:05 am
So Mr. Davis, I fed-exed the last 10 years of my tax returns and blood sample to your home. I’ve begun work on the essay as well. My main concern though is having sex with a lesbian. My fiance said I wasn’t allowed. I pleaded with her, and told her it’s what you told me to do in order to write for MDW, but still, she said now. I asked myself, what would the MOTU do…?
So, I downed a red bull and vodka (like you suggested), and ordered myself an asian mail order bride. This morning, Sun-Yi arrived, and we just finished the ceremony here in Vegas. Now, as soon as we get back home to Chicago, I’ll divorce Sun-Yi (I still love my real Fiance) which will make her so ashamed she’ll become a lesbian. At that point, I’ll look deep into her eyes, and tell her I wronged her… and ask to make up with her. At that point, we videotape the outcome, and wallah, I’ll have the tape. It may cost me my fiance, but really, I have to prioritize here.
On an unrelated note, I laughed my ass off with the conversation above. Lucky for me, I have many black friends (who I scored because my dad owns a liquor store on the South Side of Chicago… and the store cashes checks, which is HUGE in the black community).
Shane Kelly
January 16, 2009 - 11:20 am
Michael,
That sir, was some funny shit…The thing that made it even funnier to me, is that I have actually seen you have conversations like that in person. When you were totally screwing with the WP (I still don’t know how you kept a straight face everytime), and watching them squirm in horror, thinking that they were raising the ire of an “Angry Black Man” LMFAO
Seriously folks, you have to see it in action to get full appreciation.
It is rigth up there with one of the best skits in SNL history, between Richard Pryor (who was hosting) and Chevy Chase at the job interview. Classic!!!
Mike Gold
January 16, 2009 - 12:01 pm
MOTU :
You make it sound like Michelle Obama will become our first black first lady. Titch, titch, my friend. You know American history better than that.
Marc Fishman
January 16, 2009 - 1:33 pm
God Bless Tommy Jefferson… and his wandering… parts.
M.O.T.U
January 16, 2009 - 2:05 pm
Miles said,
“Am I the only person who doesn’t give a shit that he’s black?’
and he said,
“Now will you get serious here?
My friend you know I love you in a non-brokeback way but for me now is NOT the time to get serious now is the time to rejoice in what is CLEARLY one of the most important moments in the HISTORY of black people in America.
My piece was aimed at the silly stereotypes that many people still believe even as we are making massive positive steps on a grand scale.
In Los Angeles a city that voted 5 to 1 in FAVOR of Obama a young man named James Sham was at his job working outside, this was 3 days before Christmas the ultimate season of love.
A car drove up and the men inside opened fire killing James. NO words were exchanged, there was no argument the gang members that shot James did so because he was black. The gang they belong has a HISTORY of racial killings and the police said this was just another hate crime in long string of them for this gang.
Yes, we have black president in 2009 and yet James Sham is dead and another young man lies in the hospital with a bullet in his liver, shot by the police IN HIS OWN driveway. He was unarmed and had done NOTHING wrong, in fact he was on the ground where the police TOLD him to be and was shot when he protested a police officer pushing his mother.
Race still matters Miles. It matters every time I’m out with my Asian lady and black women look at me like I’m dirt.
Race still matters when I can afford the home I live in but I’m followed around by rent a cops when I’m in the supermarket in MY neighborhood.
Race still matters when I go to the private school ON MY BLOCK to vote and the woman in front of me holds her hand bag a little tighter and stops her kid from talking to me.
Yes, I can get serious Miles and I have done so in many a piece on politics you may not remember a piece I wrote where I was still supporting Hillary Clinton, so race does not matter to me or you but it still matters.
The book I’m writing is about race and my editor (who I have never met in person) has fast become someone I cherish in my life. When he and I talk on the phone there’s a few moments of business but many more just talking about everything. He’s a white guy and I’m a black guy and race does not matter to him but it matters to some.
I respect your point of view because you make you case well as always, but now until Tuesday this is MY time to be silly, this is MY time to crack dumb jokes, this is my time to be happy because there is a man that looks like me running shit.
Lastly, I may have misspoke when I said race does not matter to be, it matters in this way I proud to BE black.
M.O.T.U
January 16, 2009 - 2:13 pm
Shane said,
“That sir, was some funny shit…The thing that made it even funnier to me, is that I have actually seen you have conversations like that in person. When you were totally screwing with the WP (I still don’t know how you kept a straight face everytime), and watching them squirm in horror, thinking that they were raising the ire of an “Angry Black Man” LMFAO!
Shane, Yeah them were the days. Remember when you spit your drink on me when I went up to this guy who was sitting with his girl and said in my best deep black guy voice; “CAN I DANCE WITH YOUR DATE?”
I thought he was going to call the cops. How could he NOT know I was kidding? It was SO over the top!!!
And she was ugly.
M.O.T.U
January 16, 2009 - 2:15 pm
@ Milke & Marc,
Sally Hennings, yeah I’d hit that…
Reg
January 16, 2009 - 2:17 pm
“WP: What is the best way to get black people as friends?”
BP: Stop watering down your d@@n coffee with all of that crap and drink it like it’s supposed to be enjoyed….Hot and Black! Then shall you begin to make your first fledgling steps into the Black Experience!
Remember….Hot. and Black.
😛
R. Maheras
January 16, 2009 - 2:59 pm
But… but… what if I’m white and I’ve already HAD lots of black friends all of these years?
I took this photo of my friends in 2005:
http://home.comcast.net/~russ.maheras/Barack-Sox-72dpi.jpg
In this photo, I’m on the right:
http://home.comcast.net/~russ.maheras/Russ-Art-Norman-NBC-72dpi.jpg
In this photo, I’m on the left:
http://home.comcast.net/~russ.maheras/Russ-Ed_Bradley-Haiti-1994.JPG
Seriously, though. I’ve had plenty of black friends since the seventh grade — including a few mentors, and three black girls who saved my ass from a group of white bullies — so I think it’s funny when someone says, “I’ve never known any black people.” I’m, like, “What are you, from Mars?”
Neil C.
January 16, 2009 - 3:06 pm
This reminds me of an incident at work a few years ago, which I was told, but not present for. One of our staff writers, white guy, had a typo in his story about “Martian Luther King Jr.” So a black copy editor had some fun with him. He brought him over and said, “Yo, H—, you think this shit is funny? It’s because of Martin Luther King that I get to work with people like you!”, etc., and the writer was kind of quaking in his boots, saying he wasn’t bigoted because he drove through the Bronx every day! When the writer walked away, the editor was going to go and tell him he was kidding, and as he walked over, another writer in on the joke said, “No! Don’t hurt him!” But it all worked out. 🙂
Mike Gold
January 16, 2009 - 4:24 pm
@ MOTU: My friend you know I love you in a non-brokeback way but for me now is NOT the time to get serious now is the time to rejoice in what is CLEARLY one of the most important moments in the HISTORY of black people in America.
There’s another angle. Sure, we intellectually know that such an idea was extreme in 2000, and possibly fanciful in 1992. When Bill Clinton was elected, there might have been a belief that maybe, someday a black person would become president. But we probably wouldn’t live to see it. And many didn’t.
But before then, the entire concept of a black person as president just wasn’t on the table. Irving Wallace wrote a novel about the first black president back during the liberal JFK days — it was published shortly after Kennedy’s assassination. But in that novel, The Man, nobody elected the guy president: he had to inherit the job via the line of succession. The vice-president had died (this was before we got to appoint replacements to that office), and then the president had died. The job passed down to the president pro tempore of the Senate, a black dude. Most people in the novel reacted the way a lot of us did when Jesse Ventura became governor of Minnesota: a massive “say WHAT?”
By the way, the movie version of the bestseller (written by the awesome Rod Serling, not quite a faithful adaptation but in some ways better) was written eight years later… as a made for TV movie. It was only at the last minute that it was decided to give it a theatrical release; this in spite of the fact that Wallace’s book remained a bestseller to that day.
Of course, some folks thought it was a bestseller on the “Horror” list.
Mary Dee
January 16, 2009 - 11:41 pm
Michael:
Haven’t you seen the articles and responses of people of many races regarding Obama? He’s not seen as JUST Black. Even a current kkk spokesperson on the news said that the White side of the family is what makes him smart! I was amazed as I chuckled at this person’s point of view.
There is a doctor who is a West Indian. He stated that because Obama’s father was born in Kenya, that Obama is closer to those in the West Indies by his racial heritage. I had a moment to speak with this professional as to his specific viewpoint and reference. I thought it was complimentary that he was making this type of connection with our new president.
Many people in many nations, in many cultures, in many backgrounds…are striving to connect with Obama one way or the other!
It’s a beautiful thing!
M.O.T.U
January 17, 2009 - 12:56 am
@ R. Maheras,
Those were COOL photos dude!!
Miles Vorkosigan
January 17, 2009 - 6:57 am
I tried to post this yesterday, and it either vanished into the wilds of the cyberaether or was eaten by your server, so I’ll try it again, with some alterations.
Yes, Barry’s black. It matters to a lot of people. I’m not one of them. I was raised by a very forward-thinking lady, who did so as a single working mother in a time when it was pretty unusual to do so. She was head of housekeeping for the Commerce Title Building in downtown Memphis. Martin King’s lawyers were in the same building. So I was lucky enough to met him. I was eight. That was early in ’66.
The next year, that nice, gentle man of God was gunned down at a motel by a shooter they never caught. Mom knew the PI who investigated the case, and he maintained to the end of his days that James Ray was never there. And I believe him.
Yes, there’s still pointless violence out there, and people still have kneejerk reactions about color. I walk over to the food bank and the guys who live over there glare at me because I’m white and this is The Projects.
Racism’s ugly, babe. It has to go. And soon. I worked with a guy once who treated me like shit because of my color; his attitude was that if you ain’t black, you ain’t nothin’, and this was my boss at WLMT television. That job didn’t last long, but he wasn’t the only reason.
One last word on color, then I have to go.
A friend in Memphis is a retired Army colonel. Back in the early Nineties, he was on a training exercise in, I think, Kenya, with a squad of troopers. They were training some Kenyan troops in tank operations and tactics, and the Kenyan commander treated Darwin’s guys like they were the lowest form of life on the planet. When he asked what the problem was, the Kenyan said, “Your sergeant. He orders your men around like he’s important. He’s nothing. We sold his kind into slavery long ago.”
When Darwin asked his top kick about this, he was told, “Man, screw him. He just thinks he’s hot shit. These damn people over here they act all superior, and look at ’em. They’re poor as dirt, livin’ like this. I ain’t gonna complain about Chicago or the ghetto ever again. We got it good. And he said they sold us as slaves? I’m glad of it. I wouldn’t wanna live like this.”
I’d love to think that one day all people will be truly equal, and we’ll judge folks by the content of their character. Maybe before I die. I grew up with racist relatives and neighbors, and still have a few; the old security guard across the street said he wasn’t gonna vote because he hated Bush, hated McCain, and wasn’t gonna vote for no nigger. I haven’t much spoken to him since.
And as Mary just said above, people are trying to connect with our new President. I look at it this way. He surfs. He’s a happy married father of two, a little of this and a little of that racially, raised all over the place, he’s in great shape although eight years in the Oval could wreck that, he golfs and he surfs. How bitchin’ is it to have a chief exec who surfs?
Need more coffee.
Miles
“You, Captain, your name’s Zachary, isn’t? I’m gonna hug you. Get ready for it, coming in now…”
— David Tennant, Doctor Who, ‘The Impossible Planet’
Dwight Williams
January 17, 2009 - 3:27 pm
And he’s an admitted comics fan to boot.
Bonus.
Mike Gold
January 17, 2009 - 6:40 pm
@ MOTU @ R. Maheras,
MOTU, you ought to see his Caniff!
(Damn, that sounds dirty, doesn’t it?)
Rachel Kadushin
January 19, 2009 - 7:10 pm
Wait… you’re really writing that book? Are you going to use photo illustrations or illustration/cartoons?
MOTU
January 20, 2009 - 4:15 pm
@ Rachel-
I’m going to use ‘words’. I find that helps when writing a book 😉
I DO have a hot shot designer who will be working with me on the project, that said, it depends on the chapter and point of view I want to convey what medium the image will be realized in.
I will say this-any Asian ladies will be photographed by me personally. What, you ask are Asian women doing in a book about ‘black people?”
Well I do have a bit about me in the book…