Avert Your Eyes it’s Pop Art…and Chris, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #20
April 21, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 7 Comments
Dear Art & Chris,
Recent spy reports suggest that you will need to break the format of your popular column this week because of alleged drunken behavior at the birthday party of another Michael Davis World columnist. Is this true? Say it ain’t so.
Peter Bart, Vice President and Editorial Edior, Variety
Pete,
We’re so glad you asked. We would like to categorically deny these allegations. The following list of things we hate is, in no way, an artless way of meeting an impending deadline. We hope you enjoy it.
Secession talk. The governor of Texas and the Georgia state senate have both made noise about seceding from the union this month. This idea failed 140 years ago and that was before the military industrial complex. Major combat operations wouldn’t take a week.
VH1 love-based reality shows. Many young people have a difficulty differentiating between fucking and love. VH1 has a problem differentiating between love and crappy television.
Pizza with pineapples on it. Really California, go fuck yourself.
Cop shows that aren’t The Wire. The Wire set the bar pretty high; the point is not to limbo under it.
Torture. Can you stop it with this already? Using torture as an interrogation technique is about as effective as balancing humours is as a medical technique. A former secret agent explained this to us.
The New York Mets. It’s like you win eight innings every game. If Major League Baseball would only change to system where the lowest score was dropped, like figure skating, you’d be awesome. Being a Mets fan is like rooting for the Washington Generals.
Chris Toia’s impressions. They don’t sound like anything and he looks so sad afterwards. Ask him to do Bill Cosby.
People who use the phrase “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” This has never made any sense. Gravity doesn’t work like that. Neither does socioeconomics.
Terrestrial radio. It’s either talk radio or extremely limited playlist music. The authors of this column both have satellite radio and have not looked back.
People that front. Stop fronting. Note: we are painfully white and are not entirely sure what this means. It still doesn’t seem like something people should do.
Tell us what you hate and then we’ll either agree with you or tell you why we hate you.
pennie
April 21, 2009 - 10:14 am
Can’t say I HATE any “thing/body” other than racist-sexist-violent-mutha-fucking gender/homo’transphobes. I used to feel sorry for them but they’ve hurt too many people for that any more. But what would you expect from a Queer pacifist?
I strongly dislike poorly played music; tsunamis; terrorists; Fox news, Republicans; macho fools (although they are often comical); people who have no sense of humor; people who dislike sex; bankers and credit card companies; whining, arrogance,greed, the fashion industry and bras.
How’d I do?
Arthur Tebbel
April 23, 2009 - 9:30 am
I contend that pacifists can hate things.
The fashion industry is a good one. Are there people who particularly like that?
Vinnie Bartilucci
April 23, 2009 - 9:38 am
“There are those who do not love their fellow man, and I HATE people like that”
–Tom Lehrer
pennie
April 23, 2009 - 10:04 am
@ Arthur: “The fashion industry is a good one. Are there people who particularly like that?”
Vogue, Paris Hilton, the apparel industry, pole-bean models and retailers are what I came up with. Nothing that shakes my tree–or rustles my bush.
Then again, if one has a self-developed sense of style along with more important concerns like a roof and food, the fashionistas appear ever more frivolous these days.
Jim
April 23, 2009 - 11:59 am
I hate it when people have arguments on Facebook. Through statuses.
I mean, there’s airing your dirty laundry, then there’s launching it off of a skyscraper onto an unsuspecting populace. Really, Facebookers?
Chris Toia
April 23, 2009 - 5:14 pm
The Facebook status war has elevated passive aggressive hatred to an artform. I love how people leave vague threats or thinly veiled insults as their status like, “Julie’s going to be blowing off more than just steam tonight.” assuming no one will crack their code. This, despite the fact that 8 minutes ago their relationship changes from dating to single. As if that isn’t bad enough the Twitter revolution is taking human communication to all new lows. I’m all for brevity, but when people start figuring out ways to compress the most important, interesting moments of their life into 140 characters or less… Well, I just don’t feel like these are the stories we’ll be sharing for generations to come.
Jim
April 24, 2009 - 8:21 pm
That is terrifyingly true. There’s the short story, then there’s the “barely care” blurb. It’s sad. I’m half expecting someone to Twitter while they’re giving birth.
Passive aggressive codes…it’s so true. Man. How awesomely tacky.