Detroit Rock City, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #21

April 28, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 7 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,

I was just made the first selection in the 2009 NFL Draft. Along with the prestige I signed a contract for $78 million over six years. This would all be great except for a small hitch, I was picked by the Detroit Lions. Not only is there the matter of joining a team that won zero games last season this also means I have to live in Detroit. I am concerned about the bad reputation that Detroit has. What do you think I should do?

-Matthew Stafford, QB – Detroit Lions

Matt,

It would be hard to deny that Detroit has seen better days. In fact going by the average sale price of a house sold in Detroit in February you could buy 2,859 houses over the course of your contract, and that’s assuming you pay 50% to taxes and agents and hangers-on. We’re pretty sure this literally means you could buy the entire town. Detroit might be the only American city that can look south to Canada but we assure you the entire continent looks down on Detroit.

Sorry none of those are suggestions it’s just us talking down Detroit, a city that certainly doesn’t need it. You’ve got a lot of money; pay them to change the street signs so they could be mistaken for those in a better city. You can’t rip them off directly though, for trademark reasons, so get ready to roll down your new Great White Way, Troadway. You’ll be ready to take a bite out of this new Slightly Oversized Apple. Wear earplugs when you’re around new Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez though because he will be laughing at you fairly hard.

It’s more important to raise the city up with you than to live high off the hog oblivious to your surroundings. You could be the greatest quarterback in NFL history and you still wouldn’t be able to save a city that’s had the wolves at the gates for over 30 years. Try to rise above the trivial level of charity involvement typical of most NFL players. You have the most guaranteed money in NFL history, instead of getting that third Bentley maybe you could do something for your community. Sponsor some after-school programs or at least buy American luxury cars. Rent some of the hundreds of homes you’ll no doubt purchase into housing for hipsters. They spend money like it’s going out of style, you know unless it actually does go out of style then I don’t know what they’d do. Gentrifying machines they are.

Detroit used to be a shining example of American industrial power. At one point it was even called the “Paris of the West.” It was a great American city; now it’s a particularly easy punch line (see the rest of this article). As the auto industry failed we sat back and watched the population flee (50% off it’s peak) and watched it crumble. We can’t allow out cities to become deserted wastelands like in bad science fiction. A sports star isn’t going to change this town but the state and federal government sure could and probably has to at this point.