We Built This City, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise

April 18, 2009 Martha Thomases 11 Comments

Those of you who read this column regularly know that tomorrow is my birthday. To celebrate, Mr. T. and I are going to Los Angeles to visit our son, because that’s my idea of the best time. In addition, we hope to be granted an audience with the Master Of The Universe, and maybe go to DisneyLand.

Unfortunately, this means we’re leaving New York City at my favorite time of year. There are tulips blooming in myriad hues. It’s still cool enough to wear a sweater. My favorite charity event takes place tonight (and you might still be able to get tickets). In order to brace myself to leave, I’ve come up with a list of reasons to hate New York.

You’ll notice that I don’t include the standard reasons cited by the rest of the nation, that the city is full of Commie pinko Jewish homo bankers. That’s my favorite part (except maybe for the bankers, but there are many fewer of them, and the ones that remain are so needy that they’re kind of cute). No, my list is more specific and more local.

10. Our mayor has so much money in his personal fortune that he is blanketing the airwaves with commercials for his re-election campaign even though there is no one running against him yet. How much more sick of him will I be when there’s a race?

9. There is constant construction in this city. When I was a girl and visiting my grandmother, my father’s uncles would take us to Chinatown and, when we passed a construction site, they’d say, “New York will be a great place once they finish it.” In this case, they are building something across the street and start work at seven in the morning INCLUDING ON SATURDAY! If I’m going to be unemployed, at least let me sleep past seven.

8. Speaking of unemployment, it’s really really bad here. The economic stimulus, while a wonderful concept that I support fully, does not help New York in the ways we need most. We’re not only losing jobs in manufacturing and construction and banking, but also in magazines, newspapers, advertising and (ahem) public relations. Many people think hype is not a real job, but it greases the wheels of commerce so that people know about the products available to them. It’s a service to the public. If you prick us, do we not bleed? Show some love.

7. When I first moved to the city, the man I was then dating told me he thought that people who lived in New York apartments with big dogs were having sex with them. He could think of no other reason to lock up such an animal in such a small space. There seem to be more people with big dogs lately, which means I can’t take a walk without getting the icks.

6. There are constant news stories about bedbug infestations. The city is already teeming with rats and cockroaches. We don’t need more pests.

5. Our local newscasts go bananas every time there is a big event in the Catholic Church. They devoted three hours to the ceremonies honoring the new Archbishop. I mean, spiritual matters are all well and good, but are they really more important than All My Children?

4. No one is shopping, and tourism is down. Combine the two, and whenever I see a tourist with a shopping bag, I’m overcome with gratitude. I did not move to New York to feel grateful to out-of-towners. I moved here to feel superior. Please go back to groveling for my approval.

3. Speaking of which, for some reason, this is a city for young people. I am no longer young. I can not buy blue jeans that fit me in any of the cool stores, which is probably just as well because I can’t afford them. Why won’t any cool designers pay attention to me. Do I need to grovel?

2. People who ride the subway, the nervous system of the city, are more rude than ever. Shocking, I know. The backpacks are bad enough, but it seems to me there has been an increase in the number of people who get on the car and stop at the door. They stand there so they can get out easily when they get to their stop. This wouldn’t be so bad if they were only going one stop, but often they are there for miles and miles. You can’t get out of the car. You can’t get in to the car. You know how annoying it is when people step off an escalator and stand there so you can’t get off? It’s like that, except you also miss your train.

1. And the Number One thing I hate most about New York is that my son is 3,000 miles away from here.

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Media Goddess Martha Thomases realizes that everyone in Los Angeles is also younger and thinner than she is. Luckily, going to the airport always makes her feel thinner and more chic.