Dog Day Disaster, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #25

May 27, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 4 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,

I am in a real spot. I’m commissioner of the NFL, the most profitable sports league in America. This past week the one-time highest paid player in our league, Michael Vick, was released from prison after serving time for conspiracy to run a dog fighting circuit. He’ll probably be free to play for a team this season if his indefinite suspension is lifted. Is this something I can consider? Is there space in our league for a man like this?

Roger Goodell, Commissioner, National Football League

Roger,

We totally understand your concern. You run an entertainment industry and you have to be afraid that a significant public outrage could hurt your product and diminish revenue. If tomorrow’s front page was plastered with stories about Tom Cruise killing dogs it would probably hurt his ability to make movies. Actually, that would kind of be a relief to find out that was the worst thing going on in Tom Cruise’s life. Note to Tom Cruise’s publicist: cop to dog fighting.

That tangent aside your product is the most violent professional sport with the possible exception of boxing. Why wouldn’t people pay to see Michael Vick get chased around the field by people bigger than him? During the player introductions you could list the dogs that each defensive player has owned in their life and how much they loved them. It’ll be like A-Rod, people will come to the games to boo him. The game in which he gets injured the place will go nuts, even if it’s not in Philly.

In fact, according to statistics, by setting foot on an NFL field a person sacrifices 20 years of their life expectancy. We should seriously consider making participation in the NFL a punishment for some serious felonies. They could have a special draft and those players would get salaries way below the union minimums. Don’t tell me some teams wouldn’t stack their rosters with prisoners so they had more cap room. Hell, let’s even say a Super Bowl ring knocks six months off your sentence and an MVP award a whole year. This idea is the intellectual property of Art Tebbel and Chris Toia. That is unless the Oakland Raiders already came up with this.
Really though what is the big deal about Michael Vick? Leonard Little, a defensive end for the St. Louis Rams, served six months jail for vehicular manslaughter after killing a woman while driving with a blood alcohol of 0.19 in 1998. He was then arrested again for driving drunk in 2004. He is still an active player in your league. To say that what Vick did was unforgivable when you have someone in your league that killed an actual human being is the height of hypocrisy. Does your league really think the life of a dog is worth more than that of a person?

Make no mistake we are not cultural relativists. We believe that dog fighting should be illegal and the people who engage in it should be prosecuted. People who say that this is something that African-Americans engage in and therefore Vick is being unfairly persecuted are wrong. On the other hand we both eat meat and have no delusions about where that comes from. We cannot pretend that dogs are some sort of sacred cows. Michael Vick is a football player and it’s quite apparent that that’s all he really knows how to do. To deny him of his livelihood shows an intense amount of cynicism in the effectiveness of our justice system. He’s served his time; let him play.