No Free Rides, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #23

May 12, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 9 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,
This past week my business, Kentucky Fried Chicken, had a bit of bad publicity. After Oprah gave out a coupon for a free meal and our restaurants there were seemingly instant reports of interminable lines and our New York City locations stopped accepting coupons en masse. Our official response to the furor is to offer people a rain check coupon that specifies the day they can come back for a free meal. As we clearly have no desire to actually this right do you guys have any suggestions on how we can further stick it to our customers.
Roger Eaton, President, KFC

Roger,
You guys really didn’t see this coming? We’re mired in a once-in-a-generating economic crisis and you don’t think “FREE MEAL!” is going to elicit an overwhelming response? If you were afraid of giving away too much food perhaps you should have substituted one of your less palatable menu items. There would not have been long lines and incidents over your new oven-blackened chicken ass meat. Although good luck on that roll out.

We’re also going to take an amazingly bold position here. We are going to risk our careers and even our lives. We are going to criticize Oprah. Why would a celebrity with a very public battle with her weight give coupons for free fast food? Robert Downey Jr. never gave out free hits of coke. We’re well aware that this was an attempt to promote the new line of grilled chicken that’s apparently one-third the fat of the fried chicken. However, the meal came with two sides and a biscuit. That biscuit has more calories than any of the chicken pieces. This still isn’t healthy food nor does it really even resemble healthy food. Oprah, give out coupons for fucking vegetables or something. No one will get thin on a diet featuring anything purchased at a KFC.

Really though, this reveals something that’s kind of shameful about our society. The outrageous lengths we will go for something that’s “free.” If you wait in line for two hours to get a free meal at a fast food restaurant consider the opportunity cost of all the stuff you didn’t get done then. Is your time really worth five dollars for two hours? Spend that time doing almost anything else and then come back the next day and pay for your damn chicken or your Ben & Jerry’s ice cream cone or your Denny’s breakfast. Your life is worth more than that. Although, really, don’t go to Denny’s they don’t serve black people.

We didn’t answer your question did we? How can you punish your customers? Make them eat your horrible food. Popeye’s for life!