Swine Flu Mailbag, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #22

May 5, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 1 Comment

Dear Art & Chris,
I seem to have a medical problem and seeing as I have no health insurance I’ve decided to let you guys diagnose me by mail. I have a stuffy nose, my eyes itch and I have a mild fever. I want to make sure this isn’t swine flu. Please tell me it isn’t swine flu.
-Dan Ventimile

Dan,
You, sir, are completely fucked. You have so much swine flu. Your personal death clock has just about run out. We would make peace with your loved ones or at least get an awesome hooker, have her wear one of those paper masks. We also think the only responsible thing to do is call anyone you’ve ever touched and tell them they might have swine flu.

Dear Art & Chris,
I’m a senior in high school and now that I’ve been accepted to college I have almost no desire to go to my remaining classes. The calendar says the school year goes on for another month but I just have no drive. What’s causing this? Does it have a name?
-Megan McRoberts

Megan,
What you have is becoming increasingly common especially among high schoolers. It’s called swine flu and it is going to kill you and your entire family. According to the New York Times this is “ a… virulent form of the flu.” Your only hope now is to hide under your bed and hope that death can’t find you there. Your schoolwork should seem particularly meaningless now.

Dear Art & Chris,
My baseball team has a weird affliction. They play the game but they never score any runs. When they do score runs they always seem to let the other team score more. This past weekend we had an inspiring rally to tie the game in the late innings only to walk in the winning run in extra innings. What’s wrong with my team? Do they have swine flu?
-Jerry Manuel, Manager, New York Mets

Sir,
Your team just sucks. They were named “Most Disappointing Team of April” by an ESPN reader’s poll. We actually believe researchers have traced this back to a condition known as Mets-itis. Excellent players join the Mets and then contract it almost immediately. The only cure is a trade out of town. Go ahead and test your players for swine flu anyway. If any of them have it; trade them to the Yankees. Fuck the Yankees.

Dear Art & Chris,
This week my party was dealt a heavy blow when Senator Arlen Spector defected to the Democratic Party. This will likely give the Dems a 60-seat majority when we finally let Norm Coleman drop his frivolous appeals. Do you think it was the swine flu that got old Arlen to switch on us?
-Michael Steele, Chairman, Republican National Committee

Mike,
While we don’t think Senator Specter has swine flu he might have been worried about contracting it. You guys have become such pig fuckers that the logical conclusion for him to reach has to be that you guys were going to be teeming with swine flu. Perhaps if you guys could ease up on the dickishness you might not have people fleeing your party. Talk to Senator Snowe about this too man, we hear she isn’t too pleased with your sow-loving either.

Dear Art & Chris,
Don’t you think you guys might be fueling the media-driven panic over the H1N1 strain of influenza? All evidence seems to indicate that while a pandemic infection is possible it’s unlikely to result in significant numbers of deaths in the United States. You’re clearly following in the footsteps of the major news outlets of scaring people for more attention. This week Vice President Biden called on people to avoid subway trains and Congress seriously considered closing the border to Mexico. Don’t you think this has all gone too far?
-Dr. Richard Besser, Acting Head, Center for Disease Control and Prevention

Dr. Besser,
Clearly the swine flu has gotten into your brain and is making you say these things to trick us all into letting our collective guard down. You should no longer be trusted.