Great Taste, Less Fuhgeddaboudit, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #27

June 9, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 12 Comments

Yo, Arthur and Christopher,

You getta load of the cajones on these Miller people? Mama Mia, These a’ sons of a bitches, they thought they could get away with portraying the entire paisan community as a bunch of meatball mouthed Mafiosi. We let Miller know that if they kept running their offensive commercials they ran the risk of a terrible accident. Italian-Americans either would, or would not accidentally stop buying all Miller products. Miller respected our generous offer, and kindly withdrew all advertisements supporting their new “taste protection can” featuring Sopranos actor Frank Vincent as an insulting Italian stereotype. My question to youse is how can we capitalize on this victory and start to change these hateful stereotypes.

Lou Rago, Italian American Human Relations Foundation of Chicago

Louie,

If we’re going to brainstorm would you mind bringing over some of momma’s ziti, and please don’t skimp on the Pecorino from Scatturo’s. Seriously though, you’re acting like you woke up next to your prized horse’s head. I think everyone knows that since Obama’s election racism sleeps with the fishes. We realize that your concern is that people will stereotype all Italians as members of the mafia. Fact is this would be a far kinder generalization than what’s actually become of the Italian people in America. (Italian-American Christopher Francis Genesius Toia wrote the remainder of this paragraph) Respectable Italians made a decision to continue living in the cities to which they immigrated. Granted, they continued to treat one another like absolute gutter shit, but most of their grievances were private. Other Italians chose to move to the suburbs, or ghettos, as I like to call them. Suburban Italians developed an affected accent, donned ridiculous jewelry, abandoned good food in favor of frozen, and are in general just plain embarrassing. On the one hand they complain about negative stereotypes, on the other hand they usually do this while showing off how they got their new BMW to play “That’s Amore” whenever they honk their horn. Which is frequently. Suburban Italians make the guidos of Brooklyn look like foreign dignitaries by way of comparison.

Now as for Miller’s new “Taste protection caps” on their Miller Lite line of products, we’re glad these advertisements are no longer aired. Adding a taste protection filter to a can of Miller Lite is like adding a taste protection cap to our assholes so that people can savor the flavor inside. A few months ago Miller campaigned that their beer was “Triple Hops Brewed,” which was meaningless marketing nonsense. That was like a chocolate chip cookie maker claiming their cookies are triple chip baked because each cookie only featured three chips. Now they’re protecting their rancid liquid’s delicate flavor from, the taste of aluminum. According to Miller it allows air to flow into the can in a way that prevents the consumer from tasting the can. Only one problem, all good beverages are consumed in a glass, this allows a person to actually smell the drink and get the full flavor profile. Drinking beer out of a can is like eating steak through a straw.

Lou, we hate to break this to you, but Miller probably did not end their ad campaign to appease Italian Americans. They probably realized that no one gives a shit about what Miller Lite tastes like, but they could get a bunch of free publicity in the form of news stories about offending Italian Americans. After all, those stories have the potential to be interesting, like an episode of the Sopranos or the Super Mario Bros. Super Show. According to a 2004 article in BarJournal per capita Italian Americans consumed the least beer out of any of the ethnicities represented in their survey. It doesn’t seem likely that Miller really was concerned about Italian Americans not drinking their shitty product.

Finally, clean the connoli out of your ears and listen. Italians are white. In our country it is acceptable to make fun of white people. Yes, if Miller Lite was running a campaign featuring Hitler shucking and jiving in black face we’d be the first to decry this campaigns as blatantly racist. We’re not saying that black people need our protection from being made fun of either. We’re just saying that the stereotypical portrayal of black people is one part of a systemic history of racism whose impact continues to hinder their fair access to jobs, services and other aspects of daily life that white people take for granted. If Italian Americans have such a problem with their portrayal in their media we have a suggestion, try dressing as an Arab American for a day and see if you feel your treatment improves.