Attack On Comic Con, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #126

July 21, 2009 Michael Davis 2 Comments

July 22, 2009

The Mole Man stands in front of his mass army. He looks around silently at his minions who cringe in fear at his gaze.

Well most of them anyway.

“Now it is time.”  The Mole man says in a voice that starts low but then booms loudly. “Now is the time to make those who DARED rebuff me; ME THE MOLE MAN, PAY THE PRICE FOR THEIR FOLLY! HOW DARE THEY NOT RESPECT MY POWER!!”

One of the minions nudges the minion next to him with his elbow. In a voice he hopes does not reach the Mole Man he whispers; “Maybe if he was not called The MOLE man he would get some respect.’ The other minion tries not to laugh as he responds; “Who names himself MOLE man?  I mean MOLE man? What’s up with that? Maybe Gofer Man was taken.” Another minion joins the conversation, “ I heard he did not give him self that name.”

This statement gets attention from quite a few minions who now edge closer so they can hear better. “Yeah, I was told he got the name in high school because he had terrible acne and something’s haven’t changed”

“What’s acne?” A new minion asks. Remember the Mole Man minions are sub dwelling creatures not familiar with many things on Earth.
   

A smaller minion (hey I LIKE saying minion, shoot I want some minions to follow me around. Asian women minions…hummmmm) Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, a smaller underling (hey I changed it up for you!) said in a voice a little to loud, “Does anybody know what acne is?”

“ZITS!” was the loud retort.

The assembled followers (You liking how I’m mixing it up now right?) all broke into riotous laughter. At first The Mole Man thought this was a cheer arising from his stirring speech. Emboldened by the seemingly acceptance of his decrees, The Mole Man yells; “YES,YES!” Let me hear you! Tell me what has stirred you!”

This causes a bigger uproar of laughter than before. Some of his cronies drop to the floor holding their stomachs. The Mole Man is moved by this display of honorable conformity given to him by his servants. Holding up his staff in triumph his voice booming to the heavens the Mole man asks;

“WHAT WORD WAS SPOKEN THAT CAUSED YOUR VIGOR?”   

“Z I T S!”

“YES MY MINIONS! FORWARD TO CHUSH DOES WHO DEFY ME WITH OUR RIGHTEOUS ZIT…!’

The Mole Man stops and glares at the throng who have all stopped laughing and are in perfect formation again.  “Did somebody say ‘zits’?”

“Wha…no! Ol’ great Mole man.”

“No one would dare, my leader.”

“Never, ruler of all things underground.”

The Mole Man regains his composure and begins again, keeping a watchful eye on those assembled. “Today we march on Comic Con International and destroy them!”

“Yes, Mr. Pot Hole face.”

The laugher begins again.

“ HOW DARE THEY TELL ME, ME MR. POT HOLE FACE THAT THEY WERE SOLD OUT?!”

“Yeah, how dare they deny ‘Bumpy a ticket’?

“WE WILL DESTORY…wha…?” Who the hell is Bumpy??

“Oh, that’s my cousin.” A minion says. “My cousin could not get a ticket either.” The Mole Man thinks about this and says; “ Your cousin was denied a ticket also?”

“Yeah, my cousin bumpy could not get a ticket. What’s really messed up is he was dating this chick that worked at Comic Con and still could not get a ticket.”

“Oh.” Said that Mole Man, “That is messed up.” 

“He was heart broken when she left him” The minion went on; “At first he thought she left him because he was a sub dwelling creature not familiar with many things on Earth.” “That’s not why she left him?” asked the Mole Man.

“No, she was OK with him being a sub dwelling creature, she had dated a republican before, but he had to have a job and since he did not she left.”

There was silence then he said; “She was a Black woman.”

“Oh, that explains it.”

“Hells yeah, no sister is going to want you without a job!”

“ They don’t play.”

The Mole Man then said, “I’ll fight The Fantastic Four, The Avengers, The X-Men but hell if I’m going up against a sister. Oh HELL no! But enough with all this ONWARD TO DESTROY COMIC CON!!!!!!”

July 23, 2009

The Mole Man’s army ascended from the deep underbelly of the earth to swarm on the San Diego Convention Center. Thousands marched toward what would surely be the end of Comic Con.

City block after city block the Mole Man’s army laid waste to the Police, The Army, The National Guard, soon they were at the front door of the convention where they stood unopposed except for one lone Comic Con representative… Pam Noles.

Upon seeing Pam the Mole Man’s army stopped, afraid to advance…

Pam Noles is a sister.

“Just turn your butts around. I don’t have a lot of time to deal with you, just go!” Pam said calmly while she spoke to Faye and David on her cell phone “It’s The Mole Man and his stupid minions don’t worry I got this.”

The Mole Man took a giant step forward raised his staff and said; “My bad, any tickets left for Sunday? Can I get into The Black Panel room 5AB 10 a.m. Saturday? How you been?”

“I’m good, but I can’t help you sorry.” With that she calmly turned around and walked back into the convention center.

The Mole Man turned to his army; “You guys want to see a movie?” Or how about we crash Michael Davis’ party Saturday night?”

“Who’s at the door?” A minion asked. Pam over heard this and without turning around said; “It’s his publicist, she’s a sister.”

“Oh well movies it is.”   

MOTU notes: I’m so sorry this was so late but EVERYTHING that could have gone wrong in the last few days while preparing for the con has gone wrong. Hope to see you all at the con. I’ll be the one with the gun to my head…after the Black Panel Room A/B 10 a.m Saturday…I mean after my annual party Saturday night 8 p.m.