Guilty, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise

July 4, 2009 Martha Thomases 1 Comment

It is becoming more and more obvious that the Universe revolves around me. My actions, my habits – even my stray thoughts – have an effect on every event today. And, since I haven’t liked the way things are working out, I might need to change what I do.

As a Jew, I believe very strongly in guilt. However, I don’t believe in confession; I believe in atonement. I’ve been 12-Stepped enough to know that the first part of making amends is to acknowledge when you’re at fault. So, here we go:

• Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in jail for exploiting people’s greed with his Ponzi scheme. Among his victims were a number of Jewish celebrities (like Steven Spielberg) and Jewish charities (including the one run by Holocaust survivor Elie Weisel). Madoff fits the worst stereotypes about Jews – greed, dishonesty, an arrogant sense of entitlement – and that is not good for the Jews. I, too, have wanted my investments to increase in value ahead of the rate of inflation. I will stop fantasizing over the current value of my apartment, my Dave McKean original paintings, and my lenticular collection.

• My weight is higher than it was 20 years ago. At the same time, a recent study shows that one third of American adults are obese. With obesity comes higher risk of all kinds of disease, and with it, the attendant increase in health care costs. It’s because of me that Obama’s health care plan might fail (or be watered down to such an extent that it might as well have failed). I will reduce the simple carbs, the saturated fats, and the gluttony. I will exercise more, and increase fruits and vegetables. If this makes me a Food Nazi, so be it.

• I had a few good job interviews and thought our long, national nightmare of unemployment and plummeting home values was over. Instead, I wasn’t good enough, and now things are even worse. I will try harder, and smarter.

• The nation (and me) have had a bunch of laughs at the expense of Mark Sanford. This pathetic man – who said that Bill Clinton should resign rather than force his family into the public embarrassment over the Monica Lewisnsky affair – has forced his family into public embarrassment with his Argentine affair. And his other affairs. And his talk about “soul mates” and “crossing the line.” In the course of “taking responsibility” for his actions, he’s made excuse after excuse. However, at least he’s trying, in his clunky, “family values” kind of way, to find the right thing to do. George W. Bush is personally responsible for the violent deaths of hundreds of thousands of people (for which he’s shown no remorse at all) and, through my taxes, so am I. I will try to maintain a sense of perspective about what is really evil, and what is merely (if painfully) inconsiderate, and I’ll do my best to get rid of the evil stuff.
• The recent Supreme Court decision about the New Haven fire department promotion exam has ignited new arguments about affirmative action. Although, if you read the decision, you’ll see that it only says the city couldn’t change the rules about the test after the test was taken, it is being interpreted by the media as a victory for white men, whom this same media would have you believe are the most persecuted of ethnic groups. I, too, have exhibited racist tendencies. I’ve done nothing as overt as my grandmother, who burned the sheets my black roommate slept on when we visited from boarding school one Thanksgiving, but I have used the word “Schvartze” before I knew it was considered offensive. At the time, I thought it was simply the Yiddish word for “Black,” as “Weiss” is the Yiddish word for “White.” Maybe this is why Michael Davis has never asked me to be on The Black Panel? In the future, I’ll only say the word when I’m sitting at my computer, alone, as a single word and not a sentence. There’s something about buzz you get in your moth when the “sh” sound slips next to the “v” that’s really pleasurable in your mouth. Try it. No one is listening.

Media Goddess Martha Thomases is trying to find some other words that vibrate.