Getting to Hell – The Official “How To” Guide, by Q. Reyes – Artistic Warfare #34

August 9, 2009 Q. Reyes 1 Comment

Some people make the argument that hell doesn’t exist, others swear it does, but it all remains to be proven until we die.  However, if you’re like me and you don’t want to wait that long, then I’m going to guide you on your journey – TO HELL!!!! 
Hell is not a place for pussies, so you better bring your “A” game.  You’re bound to find some of the worse people in the world once you get to hell, so get ready to rumble constantly with some of humanity’s most dangerous villains. 

Al Capone will be there, so will Hitler.  You might even run into Napoleon or Nixon.  One thing is for sure – it’s not likely you’ll be hanging out with them.  Think about it, you would never have a chance to deal with these people if you were alive during their lifetime, what makes you think that you’re going to be getting close to them in hell. 

There are some people that you might be able to get close to, like dead prostitutes and gang members.  They’ll probably greet you as soon as you get there.  You have to understand that there’s a hierarchy in hell.  You don’t have a choice on anything that happens to you – for eternity. 

The question that I get asked the most, especially during job interviews, is how do you get to hell?  Navigations systems can’t find it.  Mapquest or Google Maps don’t know where it is.  Well, let me tell you – you have to go the wrong way.  It’s the only way to get there. 

Most people are afraid of hell, and they have no good reason to feel this way.  If you like pornography, hell is the place that makes it.  Any porn title you could ever imagine is in hell.  Other good things in hell are the food – absolutely delicious – and the entertainment.  You’ve never been to a concert until you’ve seen the Rat Pack sing on fire. 

There’s also a more practical side to the hell environment, such as unlimited barbecues, smores and you’ll never be cold in the winter.  The bad side is the heating costs are out of this world. 

I know what you’re thinking right now – “I feel like eating a slice of cheese pizza” – but wait just a minute.  You can’t go to hell without knowing who to stay away from: The Devil. 

The Devil is evil.  He will try to get you to do things you don’t want to do.  He’ll get you to smoke weed and snort cocaine all while you’re the centerpiece of an orgy of evil midgets.  I can’t say this happened to me, but I’m saying this could happen to you. 

It’s like the great MOTU once said – “Do it once, shame on you.  Do it twice, and I need a nap”.  Okay, maybe that’s not a direct quote, but you get the idea.  If you don’t, then you’re too sober to be reading this. 

Well, as you can see I avoided telling you how to get to hell through this whole piece, because I wasn’t sure if you were ready for it yet, but the fact that you read this entire article tells me that you’re ready. 

There’s only one way to get to hell: You have to be sent there by someone.  So if you want to go… GO TO HELL! 

Q. is an expert on hell and the issues that affect the hell community.  Q. is available to the press on a “as needed” basis – please direct all media inquires to your mother.  Send this article to three people or you’re going to hell – for eternity!