No Chance in Hell, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #37

August 18, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 0 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,
I have recently been seriously considering a run for the United States Senate. I’m worried that my past as C.E.O. of WWE Inc. might hinder my ability to successfully attain this office. What can I do to escape from under the weight of my pseudo-scandalous past?

-Linda McMahon, CEO World Wrestling Entertainment

Linda,
We don’t operate a partisan web site and we’re happy to help anyone trying to enter the field of public service regardless of affiliation. We do, however, know that you are prepared to run on a republican ticket. Rather than distance yourself from the past we think you should embrace it. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been using stuff from his films his entire ludicrous political career. Imagine how ludicrous your political career could be.

You just need to remind voters that you’re a successful businesswoman from a normal American family. In fact, many of us have grown up watching your family on television including your faithful columnists. The way you disciplined your son Shane by installing a violent drunken redneck as temporary head of your company so Shane could be savagely beaten weekly on national television. That was good parenting. When your husband was cheating on you while keeping you in a mental institution on drugs. That showed your ability to persevere through turmoil, just like Hilary Clinton. You’ll get down and dirty; you’re not above delivering low blows, like when you punched Jim Ross in his sac right before firing him. When the NWO terrorized your company you turned a blind eye to your hatred, stepped across party lines and joined back up with your husband to protect your business. You’re a hero and god bless you.

You will, of course, have to turn your distinguished resume into a cohesive campaign platform. It’s clear that you think the country has hit rock bottom. That the policies of the left have led to an undeniable D-Generation of our democratic values that threatens to leave it’s mark not on the foundation of our society but upon its tombstone. You come from an undisputed family pedigree. No one else could represent the people in their entirety from their heads to their elbows. We all eagerly await your victory, an outcome that would never be thought of as a stunner.

Here’s your problem in a nutshell, you have provided any potential opponents with hundreds of hours of programming that huge sections of this country find objectionable. Programming that was produced while you were running the company. From gay weddings to elderly women giving birth to hands to the veneration of prostitution. You can either own this and have it used against you or deny it and have people thing you’re disingenuous. And if you can’t win the popular vote, take heart, you can always storm back into the WWE and win back your chairmanship, presumably while it’s hung fifteen feet above a ring surrounded by a steel cage.