On The Paper Trail, by Tatiana – In The Mix #28

August 20, 2009 Tatiana EL-Khouri 1 Comment

Earlier this week, I felt my world take a dramatic pause when I woke up to no new emails. Instead of automatically renewing my storage level for my account, it reversed to a small amount which acted as a roadblock from me sending and receiving messages. I’m truly a product of my generation, and being without email for a day or even a few hours was not an option.

I immediately sat at full attention and began to purge my account of every and anything possible to get at least 2 gigabytes free. As an hour passed, this daunting task became overwhelming. I first began deleting the obvious- junk mail and newsletter subscriptions. Still no luck! The next group on the chopping block was my group discussion emails. With no mercy, I continue to delete and delete away.

I then realized I needed to delve further and go through my business and personal messages. On a mission to clear up the most space, I did a custom search for any email that included an attachment over the last 5 years. Although my hand began to cramp up from the repetitive motion, this burden turned into an eye-opening experience. I was forced to go down memory lane and relive everything from business relationships to messages for my ex’s. As I deleted a few of them caught my eye and really showed me how much I have grown not only as an artist and professional but as an individual.

I saw a touching exchange from a good friend of mine. I was seeking advice for a tough place I was in 5 years ago, the amazing thing is reading the advice in my present state really made me reflect on the cycles we all go through and recurring themes in our lives.  

As I worked my way through the emails, it was great to see themes range. Everything from the growth I had in writing business emails to my ability to come out of my shell and be the bold individual I am today. I stumbled on emails from a period in my career when I worked with several individuals that I no longer work with. At the time it was a great fit, I learned a lot and was open to a lot of experiences and clients. However I saw countless emails with project proposals that all got denied by the potential clients. While I was experiencing that rejection, I took some of it personal. I second guessed the way I was dressing, the small talk I had, my ability to follow-up or negotiate. I wanted to improve my situation but didn’t know how. 

But when I continued to look at the emails, half of the people that initially didn’t accept the proposal eventually became clients of mine when I began working alone. I couldn’t see it then but my own doubts were holding me back from reaching my goals or simply spreading my wings and trusting that I could fly on my own.

This year has been filled with various events, people, and transitions that have caused me a lot of angst, joy, humility, stress, and encouragement. There have been times where I felt completely buried and unsure. But every time I got in that place, like clockwork an old friend, a stranger, or a loved one would email me, call me, or stop me and share their pride, respect, or amazement with the things I have accomplished over the years. By going through 5 years worth of emails, I realize now I was just too close to the situations. I didn’t have the space to look at it objectively. Often times when I work on a painting, I get extremely consumed by the process that I forget my basic needs like sleeping and eating. It’s not until I force myself to walk away from the painting and change my surroundings and come back to the painting; that I can finally see the areas that need improvement or areas of strength and success.