Heading for a Fall- Part 2, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #39

September 1, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 4 Comments

When last Pop Art…and Chris left you we were previewing this Fall’s new network programming. Here’s the problem, our attention span isn’t seven days long. Shit the end of this column might be a recipe. Our dilemma is only exacerbated by the fact that this Fall’s new schedule sucks harder than a prostitute giving oral sex to a man with a straw fetish. Which is why this week instead of previewing shows we’re going to fix them. Brace yourself for network television as if Art and Chris were in charge, which we will be. Soon.

Flash Forward: This show’s based on a simple premise: All of you assholes are using Tivos to skip through commercials. That’s why this show is all commercials. Every aspect of Mobil Gasoline presents Flash Forward: a GE innovation is a product placement. Consider your Tivos dated. Brought to you by Tivo.

Cougar Town: A reality show where unsuspecting contestants are placed in the middle of a town where all the townspeople have been replaced by cougars. Courtney Cox will still star.

Eastwick: America’s latest remake of a popular British program. You’ve never seen anything like Eastwick- in the town of Eastwick, Rhode Island a crazy boss played by Stephen Colbert runs amok at the Blunder-Wilson Pager company. Will the romance between the company’s sassy she-janitor and goof off pager repair guy ever be consummated? Yes- once we’ve made enough episodes for syndication.

Mercy: What happens when a Sadist and a Masochist move in together? The safe word is comedy! You’ll laugh so hard you’ll beg for Mercy- Tuesday’s at 9:00.

Vampire Diaries: Dracula’s Daughter, Emily Dracula writes in her diary nightly because her father just doesn’t understand. He spends his nights banging and then consuming nubile coeds. She watches True Blood and wonders when she’ll meet her sweet vampire. What’ll happen when her father realizes she’s been biting herself?

Community: What if Friend’s had ten times the cast, and nearly the entire cast is comprised of David Schwimmer. Before Courtney Cox signed on to do Cougar Town she was attached to this role, but then Schwimmer Cox blocked her.

Brothers: A reimagining of the hit 90’s sitcom the Wayans Brothers, this time starring the Jonas Brothers in the eponymous roles.

The Cleveland Show: This hard-hitting drama explores the rapid decline of the Sixth City. Tensions are high as the growing exodus from the city strains the highway system. Meanwhile the single remaining white family struggle to survive I Am Legend-style foraging for food during the day and staying under tight lockdown at night.

Three Rivers: Firefly’s River Tam, San Diego Charger’s Quarterback Philip Rivers, and Rivers Cuomo are tangled up in a love tributary. This threesome won’t erode your sense of decency. Tune in, don’t run off.