Is Your Baby Racist?, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #41

September 15, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 2 Comments

After the cover story in last week’s issue of Newsweek we’ve been inundated with letters from parents concerned that their infants may be racist. In the interest of serving the largest part of our readership we’re going to try to get to as many letters as possible.

Dear Art & Chris
My family and I live in suburban Alabama. There has been heavy Klan activity in our town for over a century. We aren’t racist though; we only go to the Klan meetings to socialize. We want better things for our child. Will our baby be racist?
-Kathryn K. Keller

Kathy,
As sure as your porch reps Stars and Bars on Flag Day your baby will be racist. If your kid was blind, he’d just hate everything. Well the kind of blind where they can only see blackness.
 

Dear Art & Chris,
We live in Brattleboro Vermont, a small town. We just had the first African-American family move into our town. We’re nervous now that race is an issue that our child will say something inappropriate and embarrass us. How racist is our baby?
-John Whitesworth

John,
Not acknowledging the existence of black people will probably make the introduction of a black person rather shocking. This will make your baby super-racist. He will regard the black child as a strange aberration and react with embarrassing questions or abject terror. That said you should be able to bask in the glory of four years of being the state basketball champions of Vermont. Assuming, that is, that you can find another school in Vermont that plays basketball.

Dear Art & Chris,
We’re a couple from Brooklyn that moved to New Jersey with our son when he was a young age. My husband’s family has some belligerent racists and my husband himself will probably not win any awards for racial sensitivity. Our son moved to Los Angeles last year at the age of 23. Should I be worried that he is racist?
-Deborah H. Toia

Debbie/Mom,
Chris is not a racist. He has one black friend and once dated a black woman. As we all know for white intellectuals that means you aren’t racist. Chris also loves Thai and Mexican foods. Would that be the culinary taste of a racist man? He even enjoys fried chicken and watermelon without a trace of irony.

On a completely unrelated note, what’s really good Austin Walker?

Dear Art & Chris,
My wife and I are an interracial couple. I am a lawyer for the ACLU and she teaches at inner-city schools. Our child has been raised to this point to see everyone as equals. Our home staff includes people of many other races. He gets along with them very well and never seems even the least bit frightened. We are now concerned that there is a predisposition towards racism. How racist is our baby?
-Douglas Harper

Doug,
Super racist. Your baby will make David Duke look like Rosa Parks. You should find out if the Klan does day care.