Meet Pop Art…and Chris, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #40

September 8, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 2 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,
I have spent the last 14 years issuing needle-drop bootlegs of The Beatles catalogue. With this Tuesday’s release of the new remastered CD versions of the original LPs I have decided to retire as my material would no longer be superior to the official releases. I’m being put out of business. What can I do to get revenge on the band that has cost me so much after giving me my quasi-legal profession?
Dr. Ebbetts, Dr. Ebbetts Sound Systems

Doc,
We’re not usually one to offer spiritual advice, we’re no guru Maharishi Mahesh, but it would seem that EMI came in through your proverbial bathroom window and decided to never give you any of their money. It will certainly be difficult to carry the weight of your financial responsibilities with those mean Mr. Mustards from EMI putting you out of business. They’re like Egyptian Pharaohs, they’re sun kings out to ruin your golden slumbers. We’re sure you’ll be alright in the end. Polythene Pam.
 

We’re not entirely sure how your operation lasted this long to begin with. You were creating unauthorized copies in a universe that has the Internet. We would feel less bad about ripping your stuff off the net than almost anything. While the idea of needle drop bootlegs is intriguing you could take a page from every other bootleg CD maker and just do mash-ups of Jay-Z records. We’re pretty sure it’s the same skill set. We’ll even spot you the first title of your first mix, Rubberable Doubt.

We have to be honest with you; our attention is split. This week The Beatles: Rock Band comes out and we’re diving into the spirit full swing. Chris wants to do way out there concept columns while Art wants to do relatable humor with snappy memorable punch lines. Chris has been absent a lot because he’s been stalking Asian women on Facebook and Art has been increasingly bossy since the death of Brian Epstein. Chris has found Art’s liquor cabinet and has gotten into the heavier boozes while rumors that Art has been killed and replaced are being propagated in this very column. Here’s another clue for you all: the walrus was Art. There’s no telling if we’ll be able to stage a comeback and finish this column on time. We’re not saying we’re more popular than The Beatles but we’re definitely way bigger than Jesus.

Are we using this column as an excuse to get out all our latent Beatles jokes? Yes but there’s a larger point here. That point is that you want revenge. If you listen to Helter Skelter there are very clear instructions on how to get revenge. Unfortunately a dude beat you to it. We’re not sure but we think most of the other songs also contain blueprints for revenge. It’s obvious from listening to the catalogue that you should kidnap Ringo and strand him under the ocean in an octopus’ garden. Then call Paul McCartney and ask him if his refrigerator is running, then when he goes to the kitchen drive a bulldozer through it. We think that’s what Help was about. Daed si tra