Bigger than Jesus, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #45

October 13, 2009 Tatiana EL-Khouri 1 Comment

Dear Art & Chris,
If you guys are anything like me, you’re shocked and appalled at how liberal the Holy Bible is. What a load of claptrap. The Bible couldn’t be more liberal if it was written by an atheist having an abortion whilst marrying some gays. Can you believe this bullshit about the Bible being written in the Middle East? That’s where terrorists come from. As a pious man who believes that the Bible is literally the word of God, I am rewriting it because there’s no way God was a liberal. We’re ten percent done but there’s still time for you guys to contribute. Any ideas?

-Andrew Schlafly, Site Manager, Conservapedia

-Andy,
Remakes are huge in this town right now so this is something we can really get behind. For our input though we do want 15% of the back end which we will give directly to the ACLU. We still cool? Great. Let’s start by fixing this Sodom and Gomorrah thing: Less Sodom more Gomorrah. Also 24 is huge right now can this be a real-time action adventure? In fact, let’s replace Jesus with Jack Bauer. He’s way closer to conservative ideals than this Jesus dude seems to be. Jesus wouldn’t strike Satan even when he was being a total bitch; Jack Bauer shoots people in the knees for fun. The Chinese couldn’t even take out Jack Bauer, what chance do the Romans have? You could even have it end like The Gogdfather with Jesus settling all his old scores. A montage of him in church while his enemies get whacked. Judas, Satan, Pontius Pilate, Longinus, and King Herod gets a bullet in the eye.

We do agree that there’s a lot of liberal stuff in the bible. For example, Jesus turns water into wine like a French surrender-monkey. Not only that it was at a wedding. I bet he went home afterwards and blogged about it on Daily KOS. It should be at a tailgate party for a Dallas Cowboys game at the Roman Coliseum and he should turn the water into a good conservative drink like Coors Light. Jesus’ followers were called Apostles a name reeking of liberal elitism. In our bible it’ll be Jesus an the 12 Buckaroos.

People often point out that dinosaurs and other biological discoveries are absent from the bible, frustrating Young Earth Creationists. This is a huge mistake because people love things with dinosaurs in them (see: Jurassic Park). Jesus doesn’t have a pet in the bible, unless you count Paul, we think that can be fixed by giving him a tyrannosaur and a velociraptor as pets. Some might complain these animals are vicious carnivores but it’s not like Jesus would have a herbivorous pet, that’s liberal bullshit.

If this isn’t a ploy to get money out of stupid rubes and you actually think this is going to help anything you are completely retarded. This project will only serve to further divide people as now people in the same religion will have different holy books depending on their political beliefs. We’re talking about a book that was good enough for the dark ages and you motherfuckers in the evangelical community think that it’s not conservative enough for you. They killed Copernicus for saying the Earth revolved around the sun, which it does. This country doesn’t need to be divided along further lines. Some of the writers of this column don’t even believe in God but if you can change the words of the Bible at any time to fit your needs then what is the worth of a bible anyway.