Hock The Hat and Feed The Poor, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #140

October 19, 2009 Mike Gold 33 Comments

Way back on October 9th, Sarah Silverman appeared on Bill Maher’s HBO teevee show and brought her latest political video with her. In her own lovable, subtle and gentle way, Sarah suggested the Catholic Church should sell the Vatican and use the proceeds to feed the poor worldwide. Maher, of course, loved it. So did I.

Five days later, the earthquake erupted in the form of the Catholic League’s own Glenn Beck doppelganger, Bill Donohue. You might remember him dangling from the end of South Park’s petard a couple seasons back. For some reason, he took exception:

“Silverman’s assault on Catholicism is just another example of HBO’s corporate irresponsibility. Time and again, if it’s not Bill Maher thrashing the Catholic Church, it’s one of his guests. There is obviously something pathological going on there: Silverman’s filthy diatribe would never be allowed if the chosen target were the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem and the state of Israel.”

Donohue has used that bullshit argument so often he could trademark it. Yep, nobody ever takes a crack at Israel. Absolutely, you fucking imbecile. Bill continues:

“Here’s a reality check for Silverman: the Catholic Church operates more hospitals and feeds more of the poor than any private institution in the world. It also saved more Jews during the Holocaust than any other institution in the world.”

Well, here’s another reality check for Donohue: those hospitals you’re talking about? They ain’t charity institutions. Yeah, I’m sure they take on their fair share of pro bono cases, but the Catholic hospitals are no less a part of American’s health care crisis than the rest of the medical industry. You know, that crisis that kills nearly 50,000 uninsured and countless others with “pre-existing conditions?” Your precious hospitals have their fair share of that blood on their hands, Bill.

For the record, not being a woman I can have a soft spot for Catholic hospitals. Way back in 1950 one of them, Chicago’s Cabrini, saved the life of a two-month premature baby just so he could go on to ream you out 59 years later. Then again, that preemie had a Jewish doctor, so go figure.

Here’s a second reality check for Donohue: you say the Catholics “saved more Jews during the Holocaust than any other institution.” Evidently, the Allied Forces were not an institution. Be that as it may, you gloss over the absolute fact that your Pope Pius sat out World War II, refusing pleas for help on the grounds of “neutrality.” Good time to have been neutral, dude. Prince of Peace means… what? To be fair – unlike Donohue – I’ll state that Pius did arrange for shelter to a handful of Jews on a friends-of-friends basis. Hey, maybe he was just starting out – you know, a dozen down, six million to go.

Here’s a third reality check for Donohue: Silverman said nothing new. The Catholic empire has been on the receiving end of this criticism for a long, long time. It’s a valid question: how can you sit on all that wealth while all those people are dying horribly? What, you don’t like her choice of language? Tough tits; we’ve got free speech, you don’t. Lenny Bruce died for your sins.

You’re pretty quick to play the Jew Card, Bill, you noisy little bigot. I’d call you a cocksucker, but since most American cocks are circumcised these days, you’d only gag at the thought of inadvertently going Kosher.

Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking bizarro music and blather show starts up Sundays at 7:00 PM Eastern on www.getthepointradio.com, replayed the following Thursdays at 10:00 PM Eastern. Likewise, his Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind rants pop up every on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday exclusively at www.getthepointradio.com. The regular Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind rants continue every Monday and Friday on The Point podcasts, available right here at www.michaeldavisworld.com, as well as at www.comicmix.com, www.getthepointradio.com,www.zzcomics.com, and www.ravenwolfstudios.com. You can subscribe to The Point podcasts at iTunes by searching under “The Point Radio.”

Gold is also a regular contributor to www comicmix.com, and edits their online comic book content. Check out the all-new GrimJack: The Manx Cat #5 and Jon Sable Freelance: Ashes of Eden #3, along with the first volume of Trevor Von Eeden’s astonishing bio-comic, The Original Johnson, now being solicited in the IDW Publishing section of this month’s Diamond catalog.