Saw Enough, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #47

October 27, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 0 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,
As the co-creator of the Saw franchise I am having a bit of a professional crisis. After the previous entries in this series grossed about $30 million in their opening weekends our newest entry in the series made a disappointing $14.8 million. Paranormal Activity crushed us. What does this mean for out venerable franchise?
-James Wan, Director, Saw

James,
Just so we can discuss this film candidly we’re going to give a spoiler warning. People in this film are put into elaborate death traps and most of them die gruesomely. Another spoiler, this movie blows. Ok, spoilers over. As is often the case we did a lot of serious research into this issue as we have seen a combined one Saw movie. However, after extensively consulting the wikipedia entry, we have discovered that Saw V was the worst movie ever made. The cinematic equivalent of an inescapable death trap if you will. This seems to have left some ill will among your fan base.

You also seem to have constructed a plot so intricate that your market is only people who have seen every other Saw film. You have no new audience; especially considering the new crop of horror movie fans were all watching Paranormal Activity this weekend. We’ve heard that Saw VII is going to be in 3D, and we love 3D films here at Pop Art and Chris. But we’re not going to sit cluelessly through an over plotted horror movie. We would, however, watch any of the following 3D movies: Superman 3D, Top Gun 3D, The Nutty Professor 3D, and Sophie’s 3rD Choice.

The important thing that people should take away from this is that you should give us money to make a feature film. These small films are making huge bank right now and we are just as unknown as these losers. We have a ton of great ideas for cheap horror movies. Like one where the camera is really shaky and you never get a good look at the bad guy but it’s super atmospheric. It would be dark a lot of the time. Another idea is one where all of the bad things are supernatural forces. Invisible supernatural forces. Also they don’t kill people they just make noises. Or a movie where someone is tied to a bed gagged and the camera is unflinchingly focused on them for a riveting 89 minutes. It’s what you can’t see that’s more scary than anything else. And if none of these are lubricating your wallets we have Sophie’s 3rD choice, a psychological tale of a mother has to choose between her children while a lot of people point dramatically toward the camera. Also, one of the children is on a rollercoaster.

Seriously James, here’s the thing. The first movie was innovative and novel. The sixth movie cannot possibly still be that. You made your budget back opening weekend so I’m sure we’ll see at least two more Saw movies. Maybe in the tenth installment you can reveal that this was all a dream. Make your money off this and go and try and do something new again. On a side note we would like to encourage the directors of Crank, Neveldine and Taylor, to make a new Crank movie every year until time stops or Jason Statham dies in a Crank-related stunt accident. Those movies are fucking awesome.