How to Survive a Breakup, by Q. Reyes – Artistic Warfare #48

November 15, 2009 Q. Reyes 2 Comments

This title might be misleading, since I’m not writing a “how to” article. I’m actually posing this question to this universe. How in the world do you survive a breakup? Better yet, how do you do it over and over again?

You always hear of people breaking up, and the ironic part is that you probably hear about break ups ten times more than hook ups. So how in the world people are hardly hooking up and always breaking up? Why am I always breaking up, yet I’ve never been alone in my life?

I’m sitting here in my new little studio apartment by myself, no furniture, listening to Shakira sing to me while I contemplate why the hell is my personal life always not what I planned? How do you get through by yourself? I’m so afraid to be alone is not even funny. No, really. It’s not funny.

Is it because I hate myself subconsciously that I sabotage my life in order to victimize myself from myself? I don’t know and I don’t want to know. I’m just trying to take things one moment at a time, since I’m already living with regrets.

Living with regrets is not a good thing. It’s like sucking at something and on top of that, having a constant reminder that you suck. I look in the mirror and sometimes I don’t recognize myself. I’m like “who is that?” I wish I knew.

Sometimes I wonder if people see my insecurities. Are they as obvious to everyone as they are to me? Is my need for external approval obvious?

I’ve hurt many innocent people in the thirty-two years I’ve lived. I’ve caused much, much pain. Pain that probably will never go away. This keeps me in the mode that I don’t deserve to be happy, and that’s partly because I probably don’t deserve to be happy.

One thing I’m figuring out is that not all heartbreaks are the same. They all hurt at one point or another, but they all carry different types of suffering. My heartbreaks always come from regrets – regretting decisions and then making decisions based on that regret – decisions that I regret later, too. So it’s a never-ending cycle.

People say, “Hey, you should concentrate on you. Become better.” Yeah, right. That’s easy for you to say, but you don’t have to live with me. I’m freaking crazy. I am. I’m as predictable as an earthquake.

Well, I wanted to pose that question out there and hopefully one day in my life I can get an answer that makes sense, because right now, life is a rollercoaster that mostly goes downhill.

Bottom line. I’m alone in my life. Again. Because of me.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I’m afraid of the dark?