Just Call Us Misters Universe, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #50

November 17, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 8 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,
My book is not selling well. Or as we would say in the pageant world it’s going to win best sprit. I’m not ready to give up on the literary world though and was thinking of writing a column on the Internet, which I understand is catching on. You guys have such an outstanding column and with almost a year of experience under your belt you were the logical place to turn for advice. How can I establish myself on the web?
-Carrie Prejean

Carrie,
We would like to thank you for recognizing our talent and we’re willing to give you a little advice but never use our names in public again. It invites all sorts of negative comparisons. We just aren’t as pretty as you. Also everything that’s gotten us where we are is real.

That said, there is no difference between writing on the Internet and going to prison. You have to find the biggest meanest column on the site and take a shot at them right away so everyone knows not to mess with you (Straight No Chaser is for losers). In the prison yard, I’m sure you’ve heard it said, is rape or be raped. You’d be shocked to learn that that’s also true on the Internet. It’s all talk on the web but make sure whatever you’re saying is violent, vaguely sexual, and entirely not what your audience wants to hear. Murder penis (you can’t unread it).

Lesser columnists might encourage things like competent grammar, heady wordplay and tight sentence structure. We’ve never found any of those things to be a hindrance to our success. Even if you were the copy editor of the pageantry newsletter we would be shocked if any competent third grader couldn’t outdo you. You can get by on your looks. Make sure the ratio of picture to text is about 3:1. Have someone explain to you what ratio means.

One of the most difficult parts of writing every week is coming up with a new thing to talk about every week. Lazy writers will endlessly retread the same material or come up with stunt pieces to hide this difficulty. We at Pop Art and Chris would never do a thing like that. We find the laziest thing in the world is when a writer repeats himself or herself. Like in jail when something happens. Be sure to keep abreast of current events. That’s always important.

If you have your heart on this please find an outlet to continue propagating your banal mix of conservatism and mental retardation wrapped in hot pictures of yourself. At the very least you’ll be providing us with at least four columns per year. We’ll even spot you your first column, “Only gays are socialists therefore out President is gay, how could vote for a gay Kenyan ‘man’?” That one’s a freebee but use it before Glenn Beck comes up with it.