Karl Rove Had Sex With This Farm Animal, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #51

November 24, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 11 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,

I’ve got a book, Courage and Consequence, coming out and with all this hype Sarah Palin is getting for her release I had no other place to turn for promotion than your highly read column. Please publish these excerpts with my compliments.

-Karl Rove

Karl,

We would be more than happy to. Here are his unedited book excerpts. We’ll be back with some more advice next week.

On Courage and Consequence:

“Some would say that a courageous person must have incredible moral strength to face down seemingly impossible odds. To me courage means destroying the lives of my political opponents and the lives of their family members and friends. I take a particular amount of extra joy when these are opponents who are genuinely virtuous or who could make the world a better place. It takes a lot of courage to fabricate evidence that says that person raped an invalid.”

On fucking pigs:

“This is something I do frequently. There is nothing in this world quite like being balls deep in some swine pussy. Seriously, sometimes I just get a hotel in a rural area and I don’t surface for a week. The best part about fucking a pig is that I never have to wear a condom but even if I did I wouldn’t. Just like in high school.”

On the 2000 Presidential election:

“Hey, what do I have in common with the black stereotype I construct to scare voters? We’re both giant thieves ‘cause I stole the shit out of this election. If Al Gore had won that election we would have seen sane fiscal policy, attention to foreign terrorism pre-9/11, and a commitment to green technology that would have positioned us as a global leader and created cutting-edge jobs. I think we can all understand why I had to make sure that would never happen. Come on, some rich people might have lost money. Big ups to all those old Jews who voted for Buchanan. Couldn’t have done it without you.”

On swine flu:

I was really worried when I heard of this epidemic. You have to understand swine flu was what I called the pig equivalent of jungle fever. I was always talking about having the swine flu whenever I met a particularly attractive pig. It was even my Secret Service call sign for a while. I laughed and laughed when I heard that children and the elderly were particularly vulnerable to swine flu. That’s nasty. Luckily it was a coincidence and I remain the preeminent pig-lover in North America.”

On the softer side of Karl Rove:

“I know what people say about me. I’m callous, heartless even. I can still take joys in the little things though. Like giving homeless people fake money. Or being a department store Santa Claus and whispering in each child’s ear that there is no real Santa Claus and that if they don’t get good toys it’s because their parents are lazy or don’t love them. Using my Hollywood connections I’ve had every ten copies of The Lion King on DVD replaced by my own version where Simba dies at the end because nationalized health care in the pride wouldn’t care for his common illness. IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!

On the Farmer’s daughter:

“Farmer was a prize winning pig in Iowa during the 2000 primaries. She also had a fine swine daughter. That’s the great thing about pigs. They have a shorter lifespan. I fucked three generations of that family just in the time we spent there. There’s also the extra kinky addition of being able to literally eat what you’ve fucked. It really brings a new meaning to the term, “I’ll fuck you to death and then eat you for breakfast.”