More to Love, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #52

December 1, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 2 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,
First off, congratulations on making it to one year of Pop Art…& Chris. Second, I’ve been having a lot of problems keeping up with my marriage with Katie Holmes. We have a lot of problems many of which stem from my relationship with Scientology. For the first time I would like to speak candidly about that, the lingering questions about my sexuality and

Due to a beer-related mishap during our anniversary party the rest of this letter was destroyed. Instead we have a list of sequels that never got third parts leaving us with unanswered questions.

Alien vs. Predator – The first two Alien vs. Predator movies raised almost as many questions as they answered. Questions like “What the fuck is going on here?” and “Who the fuck decided to finance this crap?” We can only assume it was the evil Weylan-Yutani corporation. It wasn’t enough to send Ripley to certain death in four separate movies but now they’re trying to kill the viewers themselves.

Wayne’s World – We weren’t sure which of the three endings of either film was the “true” ending was the real one. This film could occupy any of nine different realities. While a single sequel could probably sate us it would be even better if all nine possibilities could get their own film. Parody of the nineties is only getting more relevant as we approach the 2010s. I welcome the nationwide search for the actor to follow in the footsteps of Rob Lowe and Christopher Walken as older dude who somehow has a chance at nailing Tia Carrere.

Men In Black – While the first Men In Black film was really good the sequel has led us to believe that there’s no hope for quality out of this franchise anymore. We do request way more Rosario Dawson though. Give us the usual stuff too, celebrities turn out to be aliens, Neuralyzer humor (maybe a rogue agent is neuralyzing his dates). Most importantly we need a new Will Smith rap song based on it. It’s been too long since we’ve had a rap song that gave a thorough synopsis of a movie in the second verse.

Under Siege – In this oft-forgotten series Steven Segal plays a Navy SEAL who works as a chef that also kills terrorists. Having defeated his adversaries on both boat and train it seems only logical that the third would be set in his own kitchen. This time the enemy is the most fearsome of all: the tendency for restaurants to fail in their first year. Can Steven Segal dropkick the lack of foot traffic in his neighborhood? Can he roundhouse the bad reviews on Yelp?

The Old Testament – There were many questions left by the original and its sequel, The New Testament. In fact, it was more of a reimagining than a sequel. Many of our favorite characters were absent and God seems like a completely different character. It would probably take a master screenwriter to merge all the plot threads from the first two into a coherent narrative that can save the series. We hope Wes Anderson isn’t busy.