Pop Art and Chris…tmas, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #55

December 22, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 3 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,

I love your column.  With the holidays coming up I would love to give you a token of my appreciation for the hours and hours of uproarious laughter you have provided me over the last year.  Is there anything I can get you guys?  I’m pretty good at getting hard-to-get items.

-Jesus Christ, carpenter

JC,

We are so glad you asked.  Here are some things you can get us:

-More good film directors.  We are completely sick of these lulls.  We’re pretty sure four decently prolific directors could make it so a good film is coming out every month.  We would also settle for Tarantino making a film more often than once every four years.

-Traffic patterns that make sense.  We aren’t asking for traffic to be eliminated, which would be unreasonable. However, if we’re going north on the 101 on a Sunday and we’ve been sitting in hellacious traffic and it suddenly clears in between two exits that is just going to serve to infuriate any reasonable human being.

-Some version of social networking that isn’t a complete invasion of everyone’s privacy.  We use Facebook and Twitter but we’re not entirely thrilled with the idea that everyone is supposed to care about what everyone else is doing all the time.  Basically, if you aren’t at least as funny as we are you should not be allowed to post more than once a day.  Unless those cupcakes you’re eating are really that fantastic.

-A drum set for Chris.  Because he lives in apartment he either needs a magic drum set that makes no noise.  Or for you to take his neighbors into your loving embrace in heaven.  Also no one should replace these neighbors.  Chris has no preference either way.  Magic or murder, whatever’s easier.

-Jesus, this is something only you could help us out with.  Could you make completely clear your views on abortion?  Even people claiming to bring the bible into this are using passages laden with awkward metaphors.  While you’re at it we would also like definitive ruling on the death penalty, income taxes, premarital sex, eating pork, and is it gay if you ejaculate while taking a shit because it depresses your prostate.  You can just send this to us in an e-mail to the column.

-We would never ask you to kill someone that would be horribly inappropriate.  We would like Joe Lieberman to experience some sort of Christmas Carol style experience that could scare him back into being something resembling a reasonable human being.  Failing that could you teleport us into his house with baseball bats?

-Could you have someone open up a restaurant that serves remotely edible pizza and bagels?  Apparently this is completely impossible by any conventional means.  You raised someone from the dead we’re pretty sure that means you could set up some sort of teleportation restaurant to New York.  If you have to balance out the universe afterwards give New York some reasonable Mexican food.  The stuff they call Mexican food out there should really be classified as a hate crime.

For stocking stuffers we would take Iron Man armor, Wolverine claws, a consistent season of The Venture Bros., trade Jim Belushi for John Belushi, another season of The Wire, some sort of magic power that prevents us from getting our facts monstrously wrong in casual conversation, smog replaced by candy, and the wallet from Pulp Fiction.

Happy Holidays everyone!