The Pride of Long Island, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #53

December 8, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 3 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,

It was with great sadness that I had to announce the termination of the Hofstra University football team this week. The team has been around for 74 years and has produced professional players like Wayne Chrebet and Marques Colston. However, attendance at games has never been good, currently averaging 4,200 of the stadium’s 15,000 capacity. It no longer makes fiscal sense to have a team. As two of our university’s most prominent alumnus, how many football games did you guys go to?

-Stuart Rabinowitz, President Hofstra University

Stewie,

Between the two of us we have attended one football game. Well, not all of one. Chris went to one game thinking he could score with a girl he had no chance with. When that lack of chance became apparent he started drinking out a bottle of vodka concealed in his coat. Then left at halftime with Hofstra trailing by 31. The football team was always a kind of sick joke. Especially when a member of the team threatened to beat up the editor of the humor magazine for making fun of them. A team full of class acts for sure.

Don’t worry about the lack of a football team affecting the student body. They’ll still have plenty to do on Saturdays in the fall. Like tricking freshmen girls into gangbangs that get reported as rapes and are then recanted. Maybe you should come up with a snappier name for that. Something like Hofballing. Back when we were attending Hofstra, the place to do underage drinking was a bar called Bogart’s. Unfortunately the cops shut that place down for too much underage drinking. Then it was bought by Wayne Chrebet. Are you really sure the football team was ever a good influence on things? It’s not all bad though. Students can still soak up the local culture by taking the train from Mineola straight to New York City without ever stopping.

Speaking of futile sports teams we would like to congratulate Chris’ home state basketball team, the New Jersey Nets, on winning their first game of the season. This puts their record at a sterling 1-18. Maybe you could recoup some of your basketball losses with an exhibition between the basketball team and the Nets. It’s almost a sure victory. New Jersey really stinks. They also have a bad professional basketball team.

People who knew us from our college days should brace themselves at this point because we are about to agree with the president of Hofstra University. This was clearly the right move. The student body didn’t give a shit about the team and it was costing $4.5 million per year. That is money that could be better spent in almost any area of the school (if you spend it on another rebranding initiative you’re a jackass). It isn’t like this is the University of Florida or something where the teams were good and generated money from the school. The only people who are really affected by this are student government officials, frats and sororities (who will lose out on homecoming), and jackass alumni who used the team as a replacement for their penises. Fuck those jerks, make a better school.