Domino’s Pizza: Much Better Still Gross, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #59

January 19, 2010 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 1 Comment

Dear Art & Chris,

Recently Domino’s Pizza has launched an aggressive advertising campaign to push our newly redesigned pizza.  We have listened to complaints on our 50 year-old pizza recipe and feel we have a new exciting product.  The two of you are the loudest jerks when it comes to trashing the pizza in Los Angeles.  We think we finally have a product that can make you homesick.  Won’t you try our pizza and tell us what you think?

J. Patrick Doyle, President, Domino’s Pizza

Patrick,

We take our pizza very seriously.  We made sure that we tested your pizza in as close to a vacuum as possible.  We got what we consider to be the best pizza in LA (which is to say we wouldn’t wipe our asses with it in New York) to make sure we weren’t just pizza crazed and so we had a basis of comparison.  We think this is as objective an opinion as you can get.  Your pizza is pretty completely terrible.

I think the most space in your ads is devoted to your new sauce so we’ll start by talking about that.  In the ad people complain that the sauce tastes like ketchup so you add a bunch of new herbs in it.  Now it tastes like ketchup that someone knocked the container of oregano and basil over into.  The first note upon biting into your pizza is an overwhelming sweet taste.  The sauce doesn’t taste like any other pizza sauce; in fact it tastes like nothing else in Italian cooking.

In the commercial your customers are adamant about your crust calling it “like cardboard,” and you’ve come a long way from there.  Now it seems like something you would use to give a vampire a garlic sponge bath.  Is this what pizza is like in Chicago or something?  It’s really a wretched idea.  The crust from our control pizza had that slightly charred taste that a good pie from a pizza oven are supposed to have.  This pizza is seemingly baked in a magic oven where there is no chance of it being near an actual heat source.  If we hadn’t seen the inside of a domino’s and known there was a real oven there we would swear this was made in a microwave.

You also made a big deal about using 100% whole milk cheese along with “a hint of provolone.”  Putting aside that provolone is not a traditional pizza ingredient by any means what the fuck were you using before whole milk mozzarella?  Was your last cheese coming out of a spray bottle or something?  With apologies to Chris Rock you’re supposed to use real mozzarella cheese you crack heads.  While this pizza does taste better than old Domino’s all you’ve really succeeded in doing is turning box wine into Two Buck Chuck.  Your company probably has economy of scale coming out its ass and could make a real product if you really gave a shit.  What this reveals is that you’ve from having total contempt for your audience to only mostly contempt for your audience.  Good work.  After 50 years of making bad pizza it just occurred to you that you’re terrible at making pizza.  Or maybe this reveals something more horrifying and most of this country just enjoys the taste of terrible pizza.