Night Terrors, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #58

January 12, 2010 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 3 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,

We are in a really tough spot. We moved Jay Leno to 10pm and he was a massive failure. His show was profitable but it was destroying the ratings for the local news on our affiliates. After the Winter Olympics we will be moving him to a new half hour show at 11:35pm. The plan is to move The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien to 12:05am but that is pending negotiations with Conan’s people. You guys are widely regarded as experts in the field of comedy and the field of television programming. What should we do to save NBC late night?

Jeff Gaspin, Chairman, NBC Universal TV Entertainment

Jeff,

You should put Jay Leno on a block of ice and push it into the ocean. This would free you from your financial obligation and there’s no chance he would end up on another network. But really you guys have already made the biggest mistake possible. It is now blindingly obvious that you want Conan to quit so you won’t have to pay to fire him. Unfortunately you now have a very clever person who knows that there are no repercussions for his actions. I hope you guys have a bunch of blank checks already made out to the FCC. Your best-case scenario here is Conan leaves for Fox, splits the audience with Leno and Letterman crushes both of you. In chess you are not allowed to move yourself into check. This should also be the case in network television.

However, if you can’t keep Conan and you need something so Jimmy Fallon doesn’t have to be on at a time when people with taste might be watching we have an excellent idea for you: The Art & Chris Talking Hour. We combine all of the best things from late night history. Art has the Johnny Carson-esque ability to skillfully handle drunken performers, like Chris. While Chris has the ability to think he’s performing better while drunk. Art like to think of it as them being co-hosts but with Art being more of the host than Chris. Chris like to think of it as both of them being sidekicks but Chris’ paycheck is significantly greater.

The show would have a simple format. Both of us would deliver simultaneous monologues while trying to yell louder than the other. After a commercial break we would critique each other’s monologues as aggressively as possible. Then we sit down at two separate desks that face in on a single couch. When guests are on the show we would bicker back and forth with each other over possible interpretations of the clip shown to introduce the guest. If the guest tried to talk they would be quickly shouted down. The procedure would be slightly different for attractive female guests as we each tried to be as funny as possible at the other’s expense to try and draw the eye of the woman we have no chance with. If your booking people are reading this Jeff Christina Hendricks would make an outstanding first guest. If we’re short on time we could even do a sketch. Art would under-commit and look at the audience and comment on the skit as it happened. Chris would do a stereotypical Italian accent regardless of the character he was playing. Needless to say these sketches would blow up on YouTube. Although we have busy schedules and are in high demand we could start immediately for the right salary offer.