The Lighter Side of Haiti, By Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #153

January 18, 2010 Mike Gold 0 Comments

I hate it when January comes around and three people make such brazen statements that I figure “well, this is a slam dunk. These are the three guys who will be finalists in the “Asshole of the Year” awards. You know, that show on E! hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

The problem is, we’ve got another 11 months to go. We’ve got lots of celebrities, lots of politicians, lots of bloggers. I’d like to change the award to “Asshole of the Month” but that undermines the magnitude of these utterances. And, besides, January is only half over. “Asshole of the Week?” No, that’s really weak. What to do… what to do…

I can eliminate the guy who just showed. That would have to be America’s most misunderstood überputz, Rod Blagojevich. I’m one of those who wonder if the guy actually did anything wrong. I mean, there’s a difference between saying you should sell the open seat to the Senate that you, in fact, own and actually taking compensation for that seat. There’s no sting to the sting if the stinger’s still attached.

However, we cannot dismiss Rod’s comedic appeal. I think NBC should pick him as Tonight Show host. This one’s a hoot. Rod, whose hairstyle was manufactured by Riddell, said “It’s such a cynical business, and most of the people in the business are full of shit and phonies, but I was real, man – and am real. This guy, he was catapulted in on hope and change, what we hope the guy is. What the fuck? Everything he’s saying’s on the teleprompter. I’m blacker than Barack Obama. I shined shoes. I grew up in a five-room apartment. My father had a little Laundromat in a black community not far from where we lived. I saw it all growing up.”

That’s really awesome. Not the “I’m blacker than Obama” bit. Hell, George Carlin was blacker than Obama. The entire context. The sucker shined shoes and his dad owned a store in a black community! Hot damn!

But Rod gets disqualified because he later recanted. “I deeply apologize for the way that was said and having said it. Obviously, I am not blacker than President Obama.” Stick to your guns, weasel. Be blacker than Obama. It worked for Bill Clinton, and you’ve got nothing to lose. Except, maybe, you don’t want to have that comment follow you to prison, should that become your ultimate destination. After your stint on The Apprentice, of course.

I love this guy.

That leaves the two main contenders, and I’ve got to believe they’ve set the standard for 2010 very, very high. You’ve heard them. You’ve read them. You’ve rolled your eyes in horror and disbelief. In chronological order:

“They were under the heel of the French, you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said ‘We will serve you if you will get us free from the prince.’ True story. And so the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.’ And they kicked the French out. The Haitians revolted and got something themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

That’s Pat Robertson. “And whatever.”

And…

“Yes, I think in the Haiti earthquake, ladies and gentlemen – in the words of Rahm Emanuel, we have another crisis simply too good to waste. This will play right into Obama’s hands – humanitarian, compassionate. They’ll use this to burnish their – shall we say –  credibility with the black community, in the both light-skinned and dark-skinned black community, in this country. It’s made-to-order for ‘em. That’s why he couldn’t wait to get out there. Could not wait to get out there.”

That’s Rush Limbaugh. And where does that Rahm Emanuel quote come from? And does Obama need to burnish his credibility with both light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in America?

Awesome. Simply awesome. Hard to say who’s the bigger dickhead here, but Rush and Pat did manage to accomplish the impossible. They made us forget Rod Blagojevich’s minstrel act.

But I do know who’s happy about all of this. Senator Harry Reid, the man who’s working on his Negro dialect.

Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking bizarro music and blather show starts up Sundays at 7:00 PM Eastern on www.getthepointradio.com, replayed the following Thursdays at 10:00 PM Eastern. Likewise, his Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind rants pop up every on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday exclusively at www.getthepointradio.com. The regular Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind rants continue every Monday and Friday on The Point podcasts, available right here at www.michaeldavisworld.com, as well as at www.comicmix.com, www.getthepointradio.com, www.zzcomics.com, and www.ravenwolfstudios.com. You can subscribe to The Point podcasts at iTunes by searching under “The Point Radio.”