February Mailbag, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #61

So many things to talk about this week.  We’re gonna have to make it quick.

Dear Art & Chris,

We had an ad prepared for the Super Bowl that has riled up a bit of controversy.  It depicted two football fans putting aside their team loyalties and making out.  These fans were both men.  It would have pushed our site into new prominence but it was rejected by CBS standards and practices.  Were we in the wrong here?

-Elissa Buchter, spokesperson ManCrunch.com

Elissa,

We’d like to be more angry about this but that emotion is being pushed down into our psyches by another one, confusion.  What does ManCrunch mean?  We could not be more clueless but it sounds gayer than seven dudes blowing eight dudes.  That said CBS was totally in the wrong here.  They’re saying two men making out, completely obscured mind you, is somehow less acceptable than a sport where every play starts with a dude putting his hands under another guy’s butt?  An event that will end with a bunch of guys crying and hugging?  I bet they were worried your ad would just be way more masculine.

Dear Art & Chris,

Did you guys see the Grammy’s?  What the hell was that?  Kings of Leon took Record of the Year and Taylor Swift took Album of the year.  Does anyone even listen to my music anymore?  I don’t understand this at all.  Did Kanye West cost me a Grammy by jumping up on stage at the VMAs?

-Beyonce Knowles

Beyonce,

We think we speak for much of America when we say, “Who the hell are the Kings of Leon?”  Chris had heard one of their songs and we could not tell the difference between that song and the song that won except for differences in the chorus.  While neither of us is exactly your biggest fan you seem to be a hell of a lot more varied than either of the two acts that beat you and probably have had a longer career than Kings of Leon and Taylor swift will have combined.  That said, let them have this one, you can get a sympathy Grammy in a few years when everyone is looking back on this like a drunken mistake at a college party.  We’re pretty sure everyone will be saying “Kings of where?” by then anyway.  That said if Kanye West hadn’t been a drunken idiot at the VMAs we would probably be congratulating you on sweeping the top categories.  Have Jay-Z talk to him later.

Dear Art and Chris,

My group and I were recently accused of attempting to traffic 33 Haitian children without proper documentation out of Haiti.  “Trafficking” is such a nasty word! We were helping these children find a better life.  Helping children find a better life is what the Baptists are known for!  Art and Chris, you’re known for your legal advice, can you please provide us with a free consultation?

Laura Silsby, One of the detained from the New Life Christian Refuge

Laura,

We understand you think you’re stuck in the middle of a legal thriller, but this isn’t “A Few Good Men,” shit, it’s not even one of the better episodes of “Law and Order.”  One of the children you were “saving” is on record as saying, “I am not an orphan,” she thought she was going on vacation.  We realize that from the perspective of a comfortable white Anglo-Saxon protestant (WASP) it would seem like these kids are better off in any country but Haiti.  However, if it were legal to export kids from poor conditions children born in New Jersey (Chris) would under penalty of law be required to move to a more culturally advanced area of the country, like Idaho.  Listen, the ranks of Baptists might be diminishing due to the fact that God is pretty selective about who receives his love but that’s no excuse to steal children and bring them to a foreign location.  That’s more the province of the guests on “To Catch a Predator.”