I’d Be Faithful If I Could But I’m Tiger Woods Yeah, I’m Tiger Woods, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #64

February 23, 2010 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 0 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,

How much did you guys like my apology speech? Also, I won’t be taking any questions back from you guys. Furthermore, none of these were questions.

-Tiger Woods, golfer, player

Tiger,

That was totally a question. You ended it with a question mark. Did they not teach you grammar when you went to school to play golf…at Stanford?

Your apology was totally superfluous. None of it really mattered to people who don’t live in your house. Unless you had been cheating the night before it was pretty unnecessary. You’ll show your strength of conviction on this issue by not stepping out of your marriage again. Or at the very least by employing ludicrous amounts of protection. It should be easy for you though. While you’re on tour, away from your wife, surrounded by women who know who you are and how successful you are. These will often be beautiful women or judging by your taste maybe some not so beautiful women.

You should have taken more of a Kobe Bryant approach to sex scandal handling. His wife was right there with him for his press conference. Granted a lot of that might have been because of the whole possibility-of-life-in-prison thing but it was a way more powerful statement. Also, he exhibited emotions while talking instead of droning on in a flat monotone. That emotion was anger, which was a little inappropriate when accused of forcing someone to have intercourse, but it made him seem more like a human and less like a golf robot.

Some have said that no one expects powerful men to remain faithful to their wives. It seems far more likely that we all take some sort of satisfaction in watching our heroes fall and then grovel for our respect back. We give it to them almost immediately. All we want to see is Tiger get back on the golf course and we don’t care who he sleeps with while he does it.

Dear Art & Chris,

Our Olympic is coverage is getting panned in the media particularly our refusal to show many events live and none at all in certain time zones. Our prime time coverage on the West Coast, for example, is tape delayed even though those events are in the same time zone. Have you guys been watching the games? What do you think?

Claude Ruibal, Chairman & CEO, Universal Sports

Claude,

Neither of us has watched any prime time Olympics. We did watch the USA vs. Canada Hockey game on Sunday on MSNBC. At the same time as that epic upset your main network was airing speed skating heats on delay. What the hell is your problem?

The Winter Olympics are a collection of some very boring sports. 90 percent of them involve moving very fast on a slippery surface. Once you have seen one of these you pretty much have the gist of the Olympics. The most unforgivable aspect of these games is that they are taking place during sweeps. Instead of getting some new episodes of our favorite shows we’re getting either Olympic coverage or repeats from networks afraid to put new programming opposite the games. We’re left with almost no choice but to fill our time with jingoistic American nonsense. Or leave the house and do things. This isn’t just a disaster for NBC, if people like us are abandoning television it’s a disaster for your medium.