Undercover Dross, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #62

February 11, 2010 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 0 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,

Our network is honored to be broadcasting the Super Bowl this year.  Coincidentally after its conclusion we’re premiering a new show.  What a coincidence!  Anyway, the show is Undercover Boss.  A reality narrative showing what happens when people who run prominent companies do the jobs of their lowliest employees for a week before revealing their true identities.  Pretty compelling stuff right?  We just wanted to make sure we could use your endorsement in our press materials.

-Nina Tassler, Entertainment President, CBS

Nina,

In a statement issued this week you describe this program as “aspirational” and as “wish fulfillment” and we can assure you that every workingman desires to see their boss lower themselves to doing their job then patronize them on national television before returning in one of their rocket-powered limousine back to their giant mansion.  We hope the American people see through this to the sham this is.  Unless these CEOs are forfeiting their giant salaries and living on the lower wages Barbara Ehrenreich-style they can’t say they’ve really experienced jack shit.

Your first episode features the COO of Waste Management Larry O’Donnell.  He spends a week picking up trash or whatever.  His total compensation in 2008 was approximately $2.96 million.  The median salary at his company according to paysacale.com was $49,000.  That means in that week he spent slumming it with his employees he made $57,000.  Certainly more than anyone he worked with.  For the record either of the writers of this column would gladly do any non-pornographic job for $2.96 million per year.  Being a janitor at a peep show would suck; being a janitor at a peep show for $2.96 million would be awesome.  Sorry you had to do peasant work for a week Larry.

As you may have figured out by this point we are not going to endorse your show.  We’re sorry but it’s just too deplorable conceptually.  We do, however, endorse the following products: Pyramid Haywire Hefeweizen, Monster Nitrous Energy Drink, Doritos Cool Ranch tortilla chips, Jedi Brand laser cutlery, Jerk-Date Internet Dating, Bird’s Café/Bar, Nonsense Humor Magazine, Quentin Tarantino’s King Kong (yet to be announced/written), Pontiac automobiles, The Open Container Law Council, and Citizens to reelect Clay Davis.  Don’t feel too bad though there are plenty of things we won’t endorse.  You’re joining the Republican Party, Molson Coors Brewing, The Secret, and Dominos Pizza.  We wish you luck in the future programming your network.  We’re excited to see your next NCIS spin-off and whatever it is you feel like wringing out of the bloated corpse of How I Met Your Mother.  Actually, upon reflection you might be our least favorite network executive right now.