Down The Rabbit Hole, by Tatiana – In The Mix #41

March 8, 2010 Tatiana EL-Khouri 10 Comments

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Only those who will risk going too far Can possibly find out how far one can go. T.S. Elliot

My love of books grew from my family. My mother and Grandmother are avid readers. Growing up I could find them wrapped up in a book on weekends if there was no one to visit or chores to be done. Their genre of choice was Mystery, Sci-Fi, Comic Books, and Romance novels. If I had a question, they pointed me to a bookshelf.  Being an inquisitive child, they redirected my questions over to books and encyclopedia. My imagination was ignited as I explored the truths of Ancient Egypt and the far fetched fantasy of Alice in Wonderland.

I have to come clean about the infrequency of my column in the last few months.  Much like Alice finding herself traveling down the rabbit hole and lost in the mystic Wonderland, the last few months I’ve been traveling down a twisting road of transitions and contemplation.  Despite maintaining the site content daily, during that time of transition I found it very hard to write.

Writing, like any form of art, is a very personal. Once the thought leaves your mind and resides on a paper or computer screen it escapes and becomes real. There were countless times that I sat in front of a blank screen with a quote from one of my favorite philosophers and stared blankly. A few words would hit, maybe a sentence or two but I couldn’t relinquish the feeling of total vulnerability.

I went through a similar introspective transition about 10 years ago. Upon graduating high school, I totaled my car and found out my grandfather had multiple heart attacks all in the same day. My grandparents flew over 24 hours to be apart of my graduation and weren’t able to attend the ceremony due to hospitalization. I cried during my graduation, I gave empty hugs to my classmates who were filled with tears of joy while I stood with tears of despair and confusion. With my car totaled, I was at a loss for how I was going to commute to college. I spent most of the summer retreating from my friends and just about everything I loved. I spent my days at the hospital with my grandfather and nights consoling my family. I couldn’t come to grips with my thoughts and indulge on what classes I would be taking or how exciting college would be.

My outlook on life and demeanor were jolted and revitalized when I took the leap and signed up for a 8 day, 7 night Backpack excursion trip in the Sierra mountains that my college sponsored. I was equipped with only the clothes on my back and a 70lb backpack. Leaving my pain behind and the constraints of the city, I was able to realize my problems were small and I had many other things to be proud of. Taking my survival to the basic elements of life made me value about the simple things. Although my grandfather had multiple heart attacks, I was able to spend time with him for one last time and the care he got here in America lengthened his life for a few more years.

One thing that truly stuck with me from my backpack trip is- You have to keep moving! As I jumped off mountains to get to my next home for the night, I knew I had to make that leap to get there. If not, I’d be stuck. If I were afraid of a pathway that narrowed on the mountain, the only way I would get to a wider path was to keep moving.

In the last few months, nothing I went through was life threatening or unbearable,  it was just a time of re-evaluation and sorting out what was important to me, my family and  my career. I lost a few relationships and have permanently changed the direction of others, left a few organizations and joined the ranks of others, took a hold of my career and expanded my business. I even started volunteering again. Hindsight is truly 20/ 20. Now as I reflect on the progress and movement I made during my time of transition, I’m amazed as the milestones I made and am hopeful for the future.

I’m reenergized and excited to take you back on my journey.