Quake Rattle and Roll, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #65

March 2, 2010 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 2 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,

I have to confess the earthquakes in Haiti and Chile have me concerned.  What if a similar situation happened here in Los Angeles?  How could we possibly respond to save the most people possible?  We’ve pretty much determined that we can’t but you guys are disaster experts, could you give the populace at large some advice on surviving a cataclysmic earthquake in Los Angeles.

-Antonio Villaraigosa, Mayor of the city of Los Angeles

Tony,

An earthquake at that scale could be devastating. It could topple the most recognizable LA landmarks like… OK we can’t come up with any, but if any of our favorite taco shacks were damaged we would be pretty much inconsolable.  That said we recognize our civic duty and present to you our X tips for earthquake preparedness.

-Kill your darlings. You have to understand that this means something different in LA.  It refers to getting rid of lines of dialogue or plot devices you’re particularly attached to.  In this situation it means if you have a choice between saving your children or your laptop with your screenplay on it you should grab your laptop.  You can always make more kids.

-Leave in a calm and orderly fashion. If this happens during rush hour the panic will probably cause people to pull over and stop.  Do not be like those idiots.  This could be the best commute of your life.  Imagine driving down the 405 at speeds up to 20 miles per hour.  It’ll be breathtaking.

-Pay attention to your surroundings. In the event of an earthquake some neighborhoods in Los Angeles might be dangerous.  Try to avoid Compton, Downey, East LA, Inglewood or really any place ever mentioned in a rap song.  Also stay out of West Hollywood; if you happen to die there your family will think you were deep in the closet all these years.

-Take advantage of the situation. If you happen to be on a date when this happens you have hit the jackpot.  An 8.5 earthquake will a shake a lot of things out of their normal place including your dick from your pants.  If you steadying yourself happens to remove your date’s clothing and then you fall in to a coitus-like embrace as you fall onto your safe, soft bed it would take a bold jury to convict you of anything untoward later.  Always use a condom.

-Save yourself. If you see anyone in danger do not stop to help him or her.  You don’t have the training and you’re likely to make the situation worse.  Proceed quickly to emergency personnel who can handle the situation appropriately.  There is one exception to this rule; if the person in danger is remotely famous you should definitely risk your life and theirs to save them.  When they owe you their life they’ll have no choice but to look at your demo reel or read your screenplay.  You’ll have finally made it.  This is also why either Art or Chris is always within a few minutes drive from MOTU’s house.  After the big quake he’ll owe us big.