The Health News Boogie, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #161

March 15, 2010 Mike Gold 5 Comments

Item: Pill Good For Women, Except…

It turns out those high-voltage birth control pills from 40 years ago were good for you, if “you” happen to be a woman about 50 or older. All during the 70s and 80s, we were told those pills would kill you. Well, now it turns out that if they didn’t kill you then, you’re likely to live longer than your prissy counterparts who were not on the pill.

According to the British Medical Journal, those women face less chance of heart disease and uterine, ovarian and bowel cancers. The study tracked more than 46,000 women throughout the U.K. for up to 39 years.

Of course, Earth being what it is, for every research yin there’s a research yang. The same stuffy found that women who used the pill enjoyed higher rates of violent death. They couldn’t find a causal relationship, except that women on the pill are sluts who deserve what they get, I guess.

Item: CBS Sends Video Snake Up Harry Smith’s Ass

In an unprecedented move, CBS News decided to have anchor Harry Smith enjoy his latest colonoscopy live and on the air. Always a ratings-pleaser, Harry’s ass turned out to be swell. Katie Couric, who pioneered videotaping the procedure for her network’s ratings pleasure, was there to hold Smith’s hand and to dress up like a doctor. Personally, network news anchors who wear stethoscopes scare me.

That evening, Craig Ferguson lamented CBS had better lighting on Smith’s ass than they do in his (Ferguson’s) studio. The pilot for a proposed new reality series titled “Roto-Rooter My Ass!” CBS now claims Smith’s ass is now its intellectual property.

I admit I made up the least gross part of this story.

Item: Privacy Invasion Could Save Your Life

Remember that recent outbreak of salmonella that sickened 245 people in 44 states? The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention traced the source to a Rhode Island company that makes salami. Upon further investigation, they found the root of the problem was the pepper used to season the product. This stuff came from two sources in New York and New Jersey. But how did they trace it back to this hapless company?

The CDC used the frequent-shopper cards that supermarkets entice their customers to use when they buy their goodies. Mind you, the CDC gained permission from the victims, but now that the precedent has been established anybody will be able to grab it in the name of national emergency.

Hmmm. Talk about mixed emotions.

Item: Where’s The Opposition To Health Care?

If you said the conservative south, well, I hope you’ve got a well-developed sense of irony.

According to the University of Alabama at Birmingham School of Public Health, people who have a stroke in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, North and South Carolina and Tennessee are 12% more likely to die. They’ve started calling this area “the Stroke Belt.” Published reports regarding this study were light on causal links, although the area is not particularly noted for access to health care. Of course, southern citizens can opt to go to the north for treatment if they can afford it, or to Cuba or any other nation with superior health care if they can not.

Assuming they live that long.

Media metaphysician and www.ComicMix.com editor-in-Chief Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking bizarro music and blather radio show on The Point, www.getthepointradio.com, every Sunday at 7:00 PM Eastern, replayed the following Thursdays at 10:00 PM Eastern. Likewise, his Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind political and cultural rants pop up each and every day at the same venue. He is not related to noted socialist Mike Gold of the 1930s, but they were in the same union.